Inner Ramblings

Circus Tricks

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:56:44 -0500

Someone asked me yesterday how I was "holding it all together." The question shocked me, because how else can I be? I can't fall apart, because I need to be the leader. I have to make sure things progress, I have to be certain that everything that is being done is, in fact, being done, and I have to be 100% convinced that I have exhausted all avenues before me. How can I do that if I'm an emotional disaster area?

In actuality, I think that I've become more focused. I have work, school, the "Ian Situation," the dilemma of trying to figure out how I'm going to get good quality childcare for Roo and trying not to be physically sick at the thought of having her somewhere away from me, and a marriage to think about. I find that I get a lot more accomplished because whichever ball I'm holding at the time is the one I have to hold on to and finish whatever I'm trying to excecute... If I don't, I'm going to drop them all.

Prayers and Light

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:40:48 -0500

I haven't posted here in a while because things are in such turmoil within my heart, and I had to lay some things straight before I could even make sense of what's happening. Things with my little boy are... well, potentially horrible. The more I've spoken to people and the more I've been watching and listening, the more I fear for him.

There are 2 days this week which stand out for me: The day that Sean almost cried and the day my friend and long-time child psychiatrist actually did. It's heartbreaking in so may different ways and across so many different aspects of our lives that to try and describe it almost de-emphasizes the experience. I can't explain what's happening in any way that gives any sort of justice to how raw and exposed this makes me feel, and there are times that I'm so physically sick to my stomach that I want to curl up and forget that the earth even rotates. There are moments of anger so fierce that I almost can't see straight, and then comes a crushing, almost debilitating sadness which settles itself into my very bones. I don't think there are any words that can come close to painting a picture even close to the darkness that has potentially touched us.

One thing is for certain- I've started the ball rolling for getting my little boy help, and I'll cross over into Hell if I have to. There is nothing that I won't do for him, and there is nothing that will stop me from getting Justice if need be.

I never thought that I could have such a primitive feeling toward protecting my son, but here it is, both fire-like and numbingly cold at the same time. It's an almost desperate dance of emotions with every sort of feeling clamoring to be heard, and yet there's the inability to react rationally to any of them. And the hard part, the most difficult part of it all is the very need to continue our lives as if nothing happened... until we get the Truth. Because nothing can be done without that, even if that Truth is the very thing that may ruin any sense of security we ever had.

Turning Corners

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 13:45:08 -0500

We're walking a very precarious line with Ian right now. We pulled him out of the after-school program, and wouldn't you know that for 2 days straight he had no behavior issues at school? He did have a problem on Thursday which warranted a visit from the guidance counselor, but I'm not sure what exactly that was all about. We have a conference with his teacher on Thursday, so I'm sure I'll get some answers then. I'm curious, because Ian said that they "played math games," and the women who spoke to him is the same woman who assesses for the "gifted" program, so I'm wondering if they're exploring all angles to his behavior.

Anyway, I've noticed a dramatic change! He's back to my sweet little man, and the very first day I told him he didn't have to go back to the program he lit up from the inside and couldn't stop saying "Thank you, Mommy! Thank you!" We've read books, played games, had nice family dinners again... I'm not sure if it's due to less stress, or if my response to him is different in some way, but it's pretty amazing. He still has his moments, but they seem more like "regular 6-year-old issues" versus something bigger and darker.

We've had a great weekend of family time. Friday we went to the mall for dinner and to get Roo some shoes and clothes, then I studied. Saturday Ian and Sean went to the movies so I could study while Roo napped, then they picked us up and we went to the bookstore. After that we came home and ate dinner together and played some games, then I got to study again. Since I made some good progress I took the day off today. We walked to the park at 8:30 am where we were the only people in sight, then we came home. Sean and Ian took off again, so I read/napped while Roo slept, and now she and I are having lunch and hanging out.

I can't wait until I can work from home. Being here for my family is such an amazing experience!

Finish Line

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 07:22:33 -0500

After a pretty fantastic weekend, everything came to a crashing halt yesterday. I got a call from the school, from a teacher who meets with the kindergarten class once a week, because Ian had an all-out tantrum. When faced with the decision to go back to class or to call me he chose to have the teacher call me, but then he refused to speak to me. In speaking with her the most poignant sentence was, "I raised three boys myself and I know boys and tantrums. However, this is something else entirely."

I cried at work. I locked myself in the file room and just sobbed.

I am not a crier; in fact I think I've cried in front of my husband twice since I've known him, and I've cried in front of my mother once. I am not a crier because I feel that it makes me seem weak (but I think it makes other people strong. How weird is that?), and I won't put myself "out there" for anyone. However, when I am really angry I cry... and apparently I cry when I am so scared and lost that my heart breaks.

I picked him up after school. He was embarrassed, but he was honest and told me the story, complete with the part about seeing the principal (who I'm sure was doing an "assessment" to see if the problems were stemming from home) and about the temper tantrum he threw prior to the one that warranted a phone call. I was in the middle of trying to get a time-line for the events when I noticed that he had on different pants then the ones I sent him to school in.

My son wet his pants on the playground.

Well, that was it for me. I have never, ever felt like I did at that moment. It was somewhat surreal in that everything became so clear, so necessary, but I also felt hollow and sick at the same time.

The short version is that he is no longer going to the after school program he was in. I have a therapist coming to see him on Wednesday afternoon, and I am going to be spending the next few weeks in a frantic search/quest for a new job, or a new way to do things, or begging for help. I have to find a way to make this work because I don't have an alternative. This is the way it has to be whether it kills me or not.

On Track

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 07:58:02 -0500

Ian did NOT have a good day yesterday. I have a master's level therapist, who's a very good friend of mine, coming by to see him next week. She's going to do some role play and some games with him to see if we can find a source for all of his anger. I'm a bit calmer about the situation now after getting another note from his teacher in response to a l-o-n-g letter I wrote to her, but I still find myself getting sick to my stomach at times. However, I know that whatever it is that's going on we'll face as a family, and we will get through it.

I'm hoping to get a lot done today. We have our new bed coming soon and I have a plan on how I want the room to look. We're getting rid of our bureau, mirror, and end tables. All I want in there is the bed, a free-standing one shelf table for the cable box, and an open back bookcase for my thousands of books. Our bedroom is so small that I need to get as much stuff out as possible, and that includes the iron headboard/foot-board. Takes up too much space.

It is stays nice and warm today (supposed to be in the 70s), I want to go to Busch Gardens along with my parents, SIL and her kids. I want to do something FUN!

Tonight it's study time. I have a goal which I'm not sure I'll meet, but I'm sure as hell going to try. I got my first extension notice, and I don't want too many more of those!

Baby Boy Blues

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:54:07 -0500

Yesterday served as a reminder for why I'm working so hard to be home with my kids and to do everything I can to make that goal a reality as soon as possible.

After a day of court hearings I was really looking forward to picking Ian up from school, hanging out together to do his homework before his concert, and then having some nice family time together.

Well. It started out with him saying, "I got a yellow today" when I picked him up from school. I opened his folder to find a note from his teacher that basically said that his behavior has declined the past 2 weeks and that she is very concerned. We have a conference scheduled with her to discuss everything, and she wanted to know if there was a change in his medication that could be causing the explosive episodes.

By the time we got home he had completely fallen apart. He reminded me of the days when he was 3 and had such a hard time with anger, something I thought was a distant memory for us all. He sat in his room screaming, throwing things, and saying such violent, angry things that he actually scared me. The worst was when he told me "I want to poke your eye out and hurt you!" and then he put his hand on my face. There was a lot of screaming (the kind of screaming when a person is so mad there aren't words to express it anymore), trying to slam the door on me...

I managed to stay firm while I was in his room, but when he finally calmed down enough for me to safely leave I stood in the laundry room and cried.

I just don't know what to do. I am very aware that he feels totally out of control about something, but I'm not sure if it's an event that caused this, or if he's feeling completely overwhelmed about everything in general, or if he's just being a terror because he really does have some sort of ADHD issue. I tried to get him to talk while we were working on his homework later, but kids are so cryptic that it's hard to find the truth they're eluding to. There were some things that were said that have me worried, but I don't know if it's because of what was actually said or what I'm reading into what I heard.

Ick

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 11:03:00 -0500

Again, nothing really new to report.

This week was kinda blah. I wasn't feeling excited about anything, really feeling like I was in a rut, but then I got sick on Thursday night so I know that was it. It's funny how getting sick really messes with my psyche. I always feel like such a waste of space and so useless, not to mention the fact that I get so behind in studying that I feel overwhelmed. I was looking forward to getting a lot done today because Sean and Ian are out for the day, but here I am sitting on the couch watching Blue's Clues.

Of course there is the part of me that is loving spending one-on-one time with my favorite little girl!

Ho-Hum

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:51:31 -0500

Wow. I really don't have much to write about. Nothing earth-shattering has happened, and I'm pretty content with what's going on. The ins-and-outs of my days are pretty standard, and life is starting to smooth itself out in some areas.

In all honesty, I'm sort of waiting for "the other shoe" to drop. Everything I've tried to accomplish (in so far as some assistance I was looking for) worked out for us, so now I'm just waiting for something to send me into a tailspin again.

Home For The Weekend

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 09:04:53 -0500

My work trip went well. About 65 clients and 1,300 miles later, I ended up working enough overtime to have 2 days off.

I have loved every minute of it. It was a great weekend complete with visiting a new-to-me local park, lunch at the Wing House which was great, a drive to look around the area while it poured rain. Sunday I went to Church, then spent the rest of the afternoon napping and playing with the kids. Yesterday was hang-with-Roo day while I cleaned and did laundry, then to the Pediatrician's Office for shots (!), and then I had class last night. Today I'm planning on doing a whole lot of nothing, other than calling the Medicaid Office to straighten some stuff out...

These are the kinds of days where I wish I was already graduated and working from home. I love being home and taking care of the things that need to be taken care of on days that are NOT weekends!

Reflections

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:03:14 -0500

I have a very strange mental condition (on top of the one that's been clinically diagnosed, LOL!), and I'm working hard on changing it. It seems like I have a grasp on it but the very moment I relax and stop focusing on it, that's when it all falls apart.

Honestly, it's like a fear of success. In a strange way, when ever I get close to something that I want I find myself sabotaging it. Be it the medical transcription, the losing weight, the happiness I've been feeling being so spiritually connected, it seems that I go out of my way to find ways to stop the flow of everything. I've noticed it especially with my contentment in where I am and who I have in my life. I keep doing things that make me see the pieces I'm missing rather than the expansive goodness I have, and I keep almost looking for things to bring me down. I think I might want to think about why I do that, because it doesn't get me anywhere but closer to where I started versus where I want be.