Inner Ramblings

Change of Life Focus

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:12:38 -0400

I love my new job. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! It's better than I could have ever imagined. I'm spending time with the kids, doing fun things with them because I'm not constantly tired and frustrated, and I am actually enjoying my life again! I don't feel panic every morning, I don't feel closed in, and I am starting to see things in a way that is different than I have been.

I'm trying to find a routine that works for us all, and it's going to take some tweaking. So far I have the basics (dropping Ian off at school, feeding Roo, working through nap, feeding Roo again, picking up Ian), but there are some other things I need to adjust and set to a schedule. I'm trying to stay flexible because there's such a learning curve with this job. I figure if I spend a month or so with my nose to the grindstone and focus really hard, I should be able to work on my social life again... If I decide I want to, that is. I'm pretty happy being home and focusing on my family and 2 or 3 good friends...

New Thought

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:12:19 -0400

I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

Overdue

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 19:50:15 -0400

I lost my password to get here to post, so I'm way behind!

I got a job!!!! It's a wonderful job. I work when I want (within reason), and can add hours where ever I want to. I worked all week while Roo napped, and then I worked today because, well, I could! Granted, I don't make a lot of money (I think the first day I made around $11.00), but damn am I HAPPY! I get to be with the kids, do projects, have fun with them... I can't believe that my dream has finally come true! Sometimes I find myself just sitting in wonderment that I actually set a goal for myself, met it, and came out the other side even better off than I could have dreamed.

In other news: I find it amazing how far I've come. Just today I saw 2 things online that would have given me an ulcer before, but today, after just a brief tightening in my gut, I let it go. One was (I'm pretty sure) a direct reference to me and Sean that wasn't even true and was a bit hurtful because it was just mean and unlike us at all, and the other was something that not even worth discussing. After just a moment of heat I was over it, and I am all the better for it. I know in my heart what is the Truth, I know who I want in my life and who I don't, and the rest of it can just continue to churn in the ugliness where it came from.

I'm over it.

Everyone Is A Critic

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 18:56:02 -0400

In the course of one week I got a job, did arts and crafts with the kids every day, and got a chance to do Ian's sight words and math books with him. I got almost all the laundry done, and I even cleaned out a lot of my office room too so it looks more like and office and not a store-it-all-here room.

Friday began my formal training, and it's all done on-line. I had computer issues, and then I wasn't formally added into a chat room for official training, so I sat around almost all day wondering what was going on. I was freaking out a bit because it was like I was sitting on the edge of the very thing I have been dreaming of for 2 years, yet wasn't allowed to actually participate in it!

I got everything resolved though, so it looks like Monday will be the "real" day I start. I'm busy listening to all my training material again (there's a lot to learn on their system with regards to templates, software, and account specifics), and I'm making index cards to tape to my desk to help remind me of shortcuts on my first day.

Last night I went to see Eat Pray Love with a good friend of mine, and I wasn't too impressed. I think it was had to make a book like that "big screen" worthy, and a lot of the things I thought were important to the main characters self-discovery were either not put in the movie or were unable to be put in. I think that made the whole "experience" seem a lot less moving and amazing, yet I understand that they had to draw in "regular" people who aren't interested in the amazing outcome of mastering meditation or finding a piece of your soul you didn't even know existed. It was worth seeing though, and I plan to finish the book (I was re-reading it again before the movie came out but ran out of time), because this time around I'm getting even more out of it than the first time I read it.

Rethinking

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 21:36:34 -0400

There are times, like now, when I feel this overwhelming sense of panic overtake me. I may seem like I have it all together, but the fact of the matter is that I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm just as lost as the next guy.

I'm here alone watching TV. The kiddos are all snuggled into their beds, and I just went to check on them. As I was stroking Roo's cheek and whispering another Goodnight to her, I suddenly heard a voice plain as day saying, "What are you doing?!" I began to get that tightening feeling in my chest and my feet got cold, and I thought to myself, "What ARE you doing?!"

Am I doing a disservice to my family again? Was leaving my job without another prospect a huge mistake? Am I putting the very people I love the most in an impossible situation? Did I fool myself into thinking that this dream I pursued was for my whole family yet was truly a selfish thing for myself?

I was feeling so brave and sure of myself! I was proud of having such trust in the Universe and amazed at the unwavering Faith I had that everything was going to work out and be the way it was supposed to be... However, maybe I was getting a bit too full of myself. Perhaps in reaching so far I managed to push everything away, rather than pull it all towards me...

SAHM versus Working Out Of the Home Mom

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 07:25:30 -0400

So, I was on the phone yesterday with a good friend of mine. We were catching up on each other's lives, and she says, "While I was on vacation I was thinking how nice it was. Then I was thinking, 'I wish I could be like Jenn and stay home all day while my husband makes a lot of money.'" Erm, HUH? Seriously? I think she meant that she wished she could be at home with her daughter like I am and the husband comment was not at all tied in to her thoughts about my situation, but it got me thinking:

I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but to me this DOES matter. I have worked all my life; I haven't had a choice. Going to school for 2 years and completing this program was a huge leap of faith for me, and quitting without having something else lined up was an even bigger deal. I did this all ON MY OWN, and I certainly won't be sitting home on my butt doing nothing to contribute financially. I'm working 5 hours a day to find a job, apply for and test for positions, so it isn't like I'm just "playing" all day...

*sigh* I remember my thoughts awhile back about being as SAHM versus a Full Time Working Mom, and this one one of the very issues I had back then too...

Day 3 of SAHM Life

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 09:16:43 -0400

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I ended up not being able to do much in the morning because I needed Sean to sign a check for deposit. After going to the bank it was almost time for Roo's nap, so we just played until around 11am and I put her to bed. I called DCF and left a message for the debt recovery guy, worked on some resumes and such, and then when Roo got up I realized I had missed the return call from DCF. Called him back, left a message, and fed Roo. He called during that, so I was able to discuss some things with him while she ate.

The short version is that, even though it was all their error and we would have kept our insurance for the kids the way it was except for them telling us we qualified, we still owe them everything. There is no longer the choice to "request for compromise" unless you are in collections, or in jail (no thanks). However, we do qualify for some benefits at this point (seriously this time. Really), so they'll reduce what we get by 10% to work towards repayment. As for the the health stuff, I was told: "They can't come after you for this. It cannot hurt your credit, so if you don't want to bother paying it, don't." Erm, neither Sean or I am comfortable with this idea. I think it's been proven that we're honest people (as proven by the very honesty that got us into this mess in the first place!), so we're going to attempt a deal for about $10 a month. Granted, we'll be paying until the end of time, but so what?

Since I felt great that I had dealt with this issue like a big girl, I decided to do some sidewalk painting with Roo. Man, I wish I had my camera with me while we did this! We had so much fun, and she actually cried when we were finished with the paint. We just sat on the driveway and "talked," and she would literally take my hand an put it in the paint if I stopped for even a second. It was a terrific bonding experience!

I cooked Grape Jelly Meatballs for dinner, and I even made my own chili sauce to simmer. Martha Stuart, watch out!

Mondays Still Suck

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:43:41 -0400

Today I am going to have to deal with the DCF "issue." I also am going to have to call and see if the hospital will reassume the debt so we can pay it off. I'm not sure how it happened, but the fact that Sean is paying the bills now and he missed a few payments (His thought is: "If I don't see a bill, I can't pay it." Why? Does it mean the debt has suddenly disappeared?!) pisses me off and he should be the one calling, but I have resigned myself to this being my "job" now. Sonofabitch, I hate calling and talking about money. I am not a deadbeat, but today seems to be a "I suck and let my debts slide and don't bother to repay people" kind of day.

First I'm going to cook my kids breakfast, then take Ian to camp. Then I'm going to make handmade sidewalk paint for Roo and hang out with her until nap time. THEN I will spend the rest of the afternoon cursing money.

They Strike Again

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 15:25:22 -0400

Wow. I feel like I've been completely smacked in the face. I got 2 letters from DCF stating that they want their $1260 / $884.58 back due to their "error by not budgeting your income correctly or timely." They want it in 30 days or they're going to put us in Federal Collections.

Wow. All of those benefits were used because we were told we qualified, and I had other insurance for my kids but dropped it when they said we qualified. I got Ian's asthma medication and had him seen my a psychologist, all which would have been around $30 if I had kept him insured with my company. The food stamps we used, but then we stopped the day were were notified by them that they made an error.

We don't have that kind of money. They're going to have to put me in jail because if they seize Sean's paychecks I'm going to be in dept up to my eyeballs, become homeless, and then I'll have to commit a homicide.

Day 2

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 07:54:46 -0400

On my second morning of being SAHM, I am cooking my kids waffles and sipping on coffee. Nowhere to rush off too, no yelling because Ian has misplaced his shoes AGAIN and we have to leave in 5 minutes so I can make it to a court hearing... In short, it is bliss.

There have been some annoyances: Terminx calling while I was at the zoo asking where I was because we were scheduled to have our insulation done today (turns out the woman in the corporate office figured since I was done with work they could come "any time" after the 28th and I would be here), then I get a letter that the hospital has put me into collections for missing one payment since Roo's birth. Really? But, all these things would have happened with me working anyway, so it was nice that I didn't have to also worry about my job on top of it all!

I've been thinking about my co-worker a lot, and I've come to the realization that I just don't chose care. It's my own fault that I fell into thinking she was a friend again, so in essence I've been angry at myself. That stops today, because I can't really fault myself for wanting to see the good in people versus the bad. At this point I can chose to let her actions hurt me, or I can recognize the nasty side of her personality and chose to never talk to her again. Since I know the people who need to know and the people whose opinions really matter think highly of me despite what she's said and, in essence, disbelieve what she's said, it isn't worth my energy to question it.

I'm looking forward to a day at the Aquarium with my friend and her kids. It's going to be a great day!