I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

I lost my password to get here to post, so I'm way behind!

I got a job!!!! It's a wonderful job. I work when I want (within reason), and can add hours where ever I want to. I worked all week while Roo napped, and then I worked today because, well, I could! Granted, I don't make a lot of money (I think the first day I made around $11.00), but damn am I HAPPY! I get to be with the kids, do projects, have fun with them... I can't believe that my dream has finally come true! Sometimes I find myself just sitting in wonderment that I actually set a goal for myself, met it, and came out the other side even better off than I could have dreamed.

In other news: I find it amazing how far I've come. Just today I saw 2 things online that would have given me an ulcer before, but today, after just a brief tightening in my gut, I let it go. One was  (I'm pretty sure) a direct reference to me and Sean that wasn't even true and was a bit hurtful because it was just mean and unlike us at all, and the other was something that not even worth discussing. After just a moment of heat I was over it, and I am all the better for it. I know in my heart what is the Truth, I know who I want in my life and who I don't, and the rest of it can just continue to churn in the ugliness where it came from.

I'm over it.

In the course of one week I got a job, did arts and crafts with the kids every day, and got a chance to do Ian's sight words and math books with him. I got almost all the laundry done, and I even cleaned out a lot of my office room too so it looks more like and office and not a store-it-all-here room.

Friday began my formal training, and it's all done on-line. I had computer issues, and then I wasn't formally added into a chat room for official training, so I sat around almost all day wondering what was going on. I was freaking out a bit because it was like I was sitting on the edge of the very thing I have been dreaming of for 2 years, yet wasn't allowed to actually participate in it!

I got everything resolved though, so it looks like Monday will be the "real" day I start. I'm busy listening to all my training material again (there's a lot to learn on their system with regards to templates, software, and account specifics), and I'm making index cards to tape to my desk to help remind me of shortcuts on my first day.

Last night I went to see Eat Pray Love with a good friend of mine, and I wasn't too impressed. I think it was had to make a book like that "big screen" worthy, and a lot of the things I thought were important to the main characters self-discovery were either not put in the movie or were unable to be put in. I think that made the whole "experience" seem a lot less moving and amazing, yet I understand that they had to draw in "regular" people who aren't interested in the amazing outcome of mastering meditation or finding a piece of your soul you didn't even know existed. It was worth seeing though, and I plan to finish the book (I was re-reading it again before the movie came out but ran out of time), because this time around I'm getting even more out of it than the first time I read it.

There are times, like now, when I feel this overwhelming sense of panic overtake me. I may seem like I have it all together, but the fact of the matter is that I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm just as lost as the next guy.

I'm here alone watching TV. The kiddos are all snuggled into their beds, and I just went to check on them. As I was stroking Roo's cheek and whispering another Goodnight to her, I suddenly heard a voice plain as day saying, "What are you doing?!"  I began to get that tightening feeling in my chest and my feet got cold, and I thought to myself, "What ARE you doing?!"

Am I doing a disservice to my family again? Was leaving my job without another prospect a huge mistake? Am I putting the very people I love the most in an impossible situation? Did I fool myself into thinking that this dream I pursued was for my whole family yet was truly a selfish thing for myself?

I was feeling so brave and sure of myself! I was proud of having such trust in the Universe and amazed at the unwavering Faith I had that everything was going to work out and be the way it was supposed to be... However, maybe I was getting a bit too full of myself. Perhaps in reaching so far I managed to push everything away, rather than pull it all towards me...

So, I was on the phone yesterday with a good friend of mine. We were catching up on each other's lives, and she says, "While I was on vacation I was thinking how nice it was. Then I was thinking, 'I wish I could be like Jenn and stay home all day while my husband makes a lot of money.'" Erm, HUH? Seriously? I think she meant that she wished she could be at home with her daughter like I am and the husband comment was not at all tied in to her thoughts about my situation, but it got me thinking:

I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but to me this DOES matter. I have worked all my life; I haven't had a choice. Going to school for 2 years and completing this program was a huge leap of faith for me, and quitting without having something else lined up was an even bigger deal. I did this all ON MY OWN, and I certainly won't be sitting home on my butt doing nothing to contribute financially. I'm working 5 hours a day to find a job, apply for and test for positions, so it isn't like I'm just "playing" all day...

*sigh* I remember my thoughts awhile back about being as SAHM versus a Full Time Working Mom, and this one one of the very issues I had back then too...