This weekend has been amazing! I'm sure it's because I am so much more relaxed about everything, including school. I have only 2 more tests to go, and then it's time for my final. I can't believe it! It's been a long road, but I'm finally almost done. Would I do it differently? Perhaps, but I'm pretty excited that I stuck with it and completed it all.

Friday night we were supposed to grill out, but I had the urge to go to Toys R Us and get the kids a new swing set, LOL! The best part of that was we ended up getting it even cheaper than the advertised price. Can't beat that!

On Saturday we went to the beach with my parents, and we had a blast. We got there around 8am and then had lunch by 12pm. We got stuck in a rainstorm, but it was still great. That afternoon I mowed the backyard (yes, I was allowed), and we chopped up the old swing set. We were low-key that night and I just studied.

Sunday we got up early. Sean got right to work building the swing set while Roo, Ian and I played in the front yard together. Roo ended up napping from 10am to about 1pm, so Ian went over to my parent's house to ride his bike and play. They brought him home around 5pm, so we had my parents stay for a few beers while they watched Ian and Roo tear up the backyard. It was so much fun! The kids played on the swing set, in the water table, and in their outdoor playhouse. They drew with chalk on the patio, and then it began to pour so we called it a night. I ended up studying for over 4 hours, so I got a lot done, which made me feel relaxed and accomplished.

Today we had the kids outside again, and then Roo napped while we cleaned the house and I studied a bit more. Then we headed to my in-laws house for a b-b-q where we sat on the deck and watched the river, took the boat out, and just relaxed. We just got home about 30 minutes ago, and I'm ready to hit the books again.

I feel like a new person. I really, really needed to have this time with my family...

A lot of things are changing in my life, and with change comes a lot of uncertainty and confusion. I've had quite a few really nice things happen the past 2 weeks or so, and I've also had some not-so-nice things occur. However, I have found that the bad are easier to accept than they used to be. I used to dwell; mull over things in my head until I'd make myself sick. I wonder what I could do to "fix" a problem, what had happened to cause the "bad thing" to happen, what should be done in the future to not let it happen again... But now I don't do that so much. I find it much easier to move forward, and it's a bit scary. I'm so used to the familiar knot in my stomach that I'm nervous when it doesn't follow an adverse event. Sick as that is, it's the truth.

I find that when I'm upset about something I consider three things: 1) Is what happened the Truth of the situation? 2) Did I act in malice? 3) Was it a mistake that I could have prevented in any way? If the answers are "no," then I move on. I can't fix people's perceptions of things, and I can't change something that I did (or did not do) when my intention was nothing but pure. I may give the situation some more thought, but I try very had to not let it become all-consuming. Learning experience, yes. Hurtful reminder, no.

I got a comment from my instructor last night that wounded my psyche a bit. It was a comment that could have ended way before the hurtful statement, but I find 2 good points to this. The first is that I certainly won't make the same mistake again, and I know that it was a stupid mistake but not one that would have caused anyone harm if it occurred in "the real world." So, I'll take that and roll with it- roll forward that is

I have a big mouth. I'll be the fist one to admit it. I've been told I'm like Rosanne does-she-have-a-last-name-now from the 80s sitcom, and Leah Remini from King of Queens (minus the accent and slammin' body). In fact, in both instances I've had people squeal, point at me as if I were a creature from another planet, and say, "OhmyGod, you're just like them! And your husband? Totally the dude off the show.  Wow, like, how does it work?"

Yes, OK. I sometimes have problems with quiet thoughts not necessarily staying quiet, but if people had any idea how much my internal filter actually catches they'd be very, very impressed. Sean is constantly patting me on the head and saying, "This is one of those times. Perhaps silence is best. Don't you meditate? Do that."

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'm working on it. I am very well aware that not everyone needs an extra-deep look into what's going on in my head, but sometimes to get from point A to point G I'd like to take the direct route. It saves time, and lately I think that there would be a lot less mess left in my wake. 

My problem lately is that when something pokes me in my virtue (Ha!), my response is usually quick, hurtful and, I'll admit it, not always 100% right. My mouth (or fingers, depending on how I feel attacked) kinda just starts forming words, and I'm usually a few sentences in before I realize that no amount of "Wait, what I mean is..." can help me out. I'm a great one to preach (yes, I have a big mouth in that respect too, but that's for a later discussion) about taking time and thinking through your answers, finding out where the source of the anger comes from because anger really is just displaced fear (See? There I go!), and giving creative feedback to the person who has upset you. However, say a few certain words to me or deliver them in a way I think speaks to the very person I've worked very hard to become, well, no amount of soul-changing can keep my mouth from running off.  And my ears? Well, they become incapable of hearing anything that the other person has to say. They are very much an ally of my hurt self's, and they seem to not want to be involved in any way with "the enemy."

Point here is that I can either bury my head in the sand (not likely), try to be even-keeled (see above for likeliness), or chose to let people have their opinions; move on and agree that people are allowed their own thoughts and feelings and realize I can't manipulate the entire world (What?!). It's hard, because in my line of work I'm dealing with all sorts of people having all sorts of opinions, and letting people voice those opinions is like allowing a bunch of hungry lions circle a lamb. Seriously.

Being a grown-up is hard work, but I'd really like to get it down before I decide to take my pail and shovel and leave the sandbox.

I'm almost done with school and I can't believe it. It's been almost 2 years, and I'm finally almost done! I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself if I don't have "study time" every day, but I'm sure I'll come up with something else to fill the hours. I've decided that I'm an addict of learning, so why fight it?

What a bizarre evening. Not "bizarre" in a bad way, but I always find that when Sean and I got out as a family, I have some sort of epiphany while we're out.

My Mother has to go for a CT scan on Monday because of what they found in her urine during her yearly check up this week. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about my mother's health, her history... well, I'm sure that they could guess exactly what I'm thinking right now. However, I'm trying to remain positive, just as she was today when she told me. My mother is an absolutely amazing person, and I can only hope that I am one-half of the woman she is. She's lived through a childhood of 2 alcoholic parents, married an alcoholic man who was rich, raised 2 children (one of whom was quite a challenge *cough*), was diagnosed with breast cancer at 32 and beat it because she decided she was NOT going to let her kids grow up without their mother, lost millions, decided to become a financial planner and stop being a SAHM when she felt my brother and I were past the point of needing a 24/7 mother and felt she could contribute financially, studied and passed the State Exam, opened her own business... Was diagnosed with breast cancer again in her 60s and beat that because she decided her grandchildren were NOT going to be without a Grandmother... She is amazing and wonderful. She is my best friend, and I don't know what I'm going to do...

Anyway, Sean and I got to talking, and through the course of the evening I found myself trying to come up with an answer as to WHAT I AM DOING! I have no idea any more, and I feel as if I'm chancing a combination of what I want, what I should want, and what I feel other people think I should want. I'm frustrated beyond belief because I feel as if I'm running out of time. I'm the first one to recognize that I can't turn the clock backward, and in a way that is so heartbreaking that I almost lose my breath every time I think of it. I'm missing out on today because I want tomorrow to be so much better, but in a way I have to sacrifice now in order to get to then... But I want to be in the now so badly I ache, and yet I want to be there for the then, so how do I balance it all?