I want to be done with school. Well, that isn't entirely true; I want to know what's going to happen when I graduate. I want to know if we're going to be able to make it without me working. I want to not feel guilty that I want so badly to make this change. I want to not have to worry. I want to feel like I'm supported in what I'm doing, and I don't want to keep freaking out when I think about making such a drastic change.

I am exhausted.

It's amazing how much power people hold over one another. I guess it fits with my philosophy that people are sensitive to each others energies, but it still shocks me every time my mood can be completely shifted by reading something, hearing something, or just being in the presence of someone.

Things have been going well, if not wonderfully. I've been so busy with family stuff that it's been great! I've had my Aunt and Uncle from Massachusetts in town, my nephews have had birthdays and we're celebrating tonight and tomorrow, we're spending the day tomorrow for "give a day, get a day" at the school, and Sean and I (and the kids, of course) have been spending a lot of time together hanging out. Work is going OK, I've gotten some stuff straightened out with the State.. And I'm almost done with school. One more month ought to do it!

I'm feeling unsettled though. I get this way every now and then; it's almost a paranoid kind of feeling. It's almost as if there's a wall between me and everyone else outside of my family, and I feel like I can't break it down. Usually it's okay because, in all honesty, I'm pretty sick of the external bullshit, but sometimes I wonder what's going on "out there" and if I did something to have people turn their backs on me. I'm used to it, but I hate feeling this way, especially when I keep so much to myself I know that I couldn't have done anything wrong.

I have a side to my personality that is vile. I know when it's coming, and I am familiar with the chest tightening and eye narrowing that happens when I've allowed it to overcome me. There are times when I hate it, yet alternatively I have days when I welcome the complete and total overtaking of my mind.

Most people recognize this part of me, and they either chose to accept it or chose to walk away. I admit that I'm not proud of this particular trait, but it's part of what makes me who I am. It's a kind of take-it-or-leave-it part to my personality, because I'm as unable to control this as much as I am unable to control my dreams.

One moment this week while I was away was one of those times that this part of me swept up and almost knocked me over before I could even attempt to harness it. It had to do with my family (my brother specifically) and something that was expected of me and almost demanded for someone else, and the anger I've been keeping under wraps suddenly erupted. I could hear it in my tone, the word choices I used, and it was as if I were watching the whole event unfold rather than participating in it. I conceded in a half screw-you and half I'll-screw-myself-to-screw-you mindset, and I came home early.

So. Where does that leave us all? With a two-page letter from my brother in apology and explanation, me not seeing them because I left early, and a question about what is going to happen from here.

That part of my personality scares me, because what I say is so raw and uncensored that the consequences are usually big. I can't 'unsay' anything, because it's obvious by my tone that I'm beyond disgusted, and how can you smooth something like that over? And, would I really want to anyway, because what's to gain from that? Peace? What's peace if you can't stand the very notion behind it? Why live in the appearance that everything is "fine" when your insides are clenched in anger every moment you're living the lie? For the sake of calm? Really?

Maybe it's better that it happened. I hate living a lie, and seeing as I am making all sorts of changes in my life, why not make this part of the change?

I am so happy to be back from my business trip. I missed my family a lot, and I did a bunch of thinking while I was gone, so much so that even Sean mentioned I seem like a different person.

I am.

I came to the conclusion that I need to learn how to love unconditionally. I can't keep holding him (and other people in my life) to unmeasurable standards. It isn't fair, and the only people I hurt are myself and the people in my life. Maybe this is why I've been feeling as if I'm standing still when I so desperately want to move forward!

However, this also means that I am going to stop accepting anything less from the people around me as well. I don't deserve to be judged or treated badly any more than they do, so it stops now. I will not take it as a "character flaw" any more, and this goes for myself and for others' as well.

I have a few people in my life who I would trust with anything, and those are the people that I want to commit my friendship to. I am no longer going to engage myself into the political bullshit in my job in order to try and stay afloat, and I am no longer going to engage in emotional warfare in other areas of my life. It stops now, and maybe I can start to fix my own life instead of fixing other peoples' lives as a means to smoothing out my own.

First order of business is vacation this week, and following that will be catch-up with some friends of mine I miss very much. You know who you are!   A feel a beer (or two or three) are in order...