I give up. Today marks the day that I hang my head and admit defeat. I now know what it's like to feel all the life drain from your body and your soul to shut down. If you added up all the times I cried the past 2 years, I don't think you'd even come close to the number of tears I cried today, and I could just kick myself for not adhering to the saying, "If it seems too good to be true, it is." I'm too exhausted to go into specifics, but I can say that due to mistakes by other people the 2 areas in my life that have been the most turbulent have now just about exploded.

I did a lot of leg work and paperwork a few months ago and my family was approved for food stamps and the kids got medicaid. I had to do some major work there to keep the same pediatrician we had, get some service agreements set up and the like, but I felt like we were finally, finally able to start getting our lives together again. I knew we'd only need assistance for a few months, so I quickly overcame my embarrassment about getting help. Well, today I got a letter in the mail stating that "due to an error on our part" we were no longer eligible for benefits, and that we were going to have to pay it back. I called the local DCF office and got through to someone after an hour of waiting, and I was told that they had "forgotten" to record my income, so now we owe everything back to the State. Not only is that food money, but money used for insurance too, like the kids check-ups and shots. I got sent over to the Benefits Recovery Center and got a voice mail, so I left a very detailed message about what I thought about their error, and on Monday I should know just how very fucked we are.

Then there's the issue with my son, and it has to do with the very agency I work for. I'm about a footstep away from contacting the local news station, but apparently at this point I can't jeopardize my job for any reason.

I'm boxed in, I am drowning, and right now I just don't give a shit.