I am wondering what today will bring. Ian was so good all weekend, and Sean and he even went to the movies together yesterday while I lay in bed dying from some sort of Ick. Ian managed to get a green on Friday because he really wanted to go to a school function on Saturday, so I know that the ability to stay calm and focused exists in that little body. He is so focused on "what do I get if I get a green" that I think I may have screwed up somewhere along the way with rewarding him for behavior he should be exhibiting anyway.

I'm trying to make a plan to implement here at home. I have a few books that I need to read through, and I got some worksheets off of the computer to try and gauge where he is academically. I've had 2 people who have been in education for 45 years between them sit with him a few times, and they both think that he's wildly intelligent and the behavior may be (in part) due to that.

*sigh* But, what do I know.

I've hit a sort of "numbness wall" which is serving me pretty well. I don't get excited or upset any more as stuff keeps sliding down hill, so I am not adding any more helpless feelings to the pile inside of me; Now I just ignore the pain and am getting used to walking around like this. I can even go a few hours without panic, and when I remember everything that's going on I sort of detach myself.

I am responding to every letter/communication effort I've been getting from DCF, and I find that I'm always a step ahead of them, which is frustrating to say the least. I find it amazing that, when my call is finally answered after being on hold for an hour, I'm told something like, "Oh, we don't have that information yet. We'll be in touch," or "That information hasn't been reviewed yet. Call back." I guess the fact that I have a full-time job and don't have all day every day to play this game with them doesn't matter? I can't believe even this part is all fucked up.

I'm trying to get a service team established for Ian. I am hoping to meet with the principal and start the ball rolling through the school system, even though I know it's a long-shot. However, if people had actually listened to me 10 months ago when I requested that he remain on their radar for help, we wouldn't be where we are right now. I get so mad when I think about how I gave up last year after only a minimal fight to keep him on a school-based plan, that I let them tell me that he would "be fine" when I knew he wouldn't...

Last night I had a dream that I forgot Ian and left him in the car while I went and spoke to some friends at the park. He was dead by the time I got back. The strange thing was he was younger (like, maybe one?) and, stranger still, he was in a container (almost like a can). When I opened the container I was filled with hope and kept praying that I had gotten there on time, but one look and I knew the worst. I put my hand on him and he was so hot, so lifeless...

The dream is easy to dissect. Obviously I feel like I'm losing my little boy, and I feel like my current situation is boxing us in and is, in essence, killing him. I am doubting my Faith, questioning if I did something to him along the way to cause all of this... I really didn't need a dream to tell me that.

Yesterday/last night was bad. I'm hanging by a tread here, and my resiliency is slowly slipping away. I don't understand how this all happened and why my family is falling apart.

I like to think I'm a good person; I have spent a good deal of my life helping people, I try to be as honest as possible (as proven by my latest act of honesty which ended up screwing us royally), and I work hard at trying to find the good in everyone and every situation. I try to support friends and family, try to keep everything running smoothly... For what? Even if there was some sort of Karma coming back to bite me in the ass, why use my family as a spring board? Why my son? Why is someone so innocent, someone who should be feeling joy with the very act of breathing, hurting so much?  Why? What's happening in his little world to make him so angry and so out of control? Why can't I help him? Why am I being shut out no matter where I turn?

Why won't anyone help us?!

I'm sitting here staring into space. I've been doing this most of the 2nd half of today, and I don't see myself doing anything else any time soon.

I got the letter advising me that they are "closing" my son's case to the agency I work for, and they "regret any inconvenience" this may have caused me and my son. So, now I have no therapy for him, and no insurance to get any anyway.

I can't believe that the very 2 agencies that are supposed to be the cornerstones in the plight to help families are the very ones that have single-handedly screwed mine. DCF, which claims to "Protect the Vulnerable, Promote Strong and Economically Self-Sufficient Families, and Advance Personal and Family Recovery and Resiliency" (which I guess means to offer assistance and then say, "Whoops, sorry. Pay it back now. Good luck.") and a company whose mission statement includes "...to provide affordable, high quality behavioral health services that promote prevention and support role recovery and resiliency for the citizens of Hillsborough County, in order to improve the quality of life..." which really means reel 'em in and kick them out... Oh, and screw the people who work here too...

I think the most shocking to me is the fact that DCF just cut off the kids insurance without a word. They had it Thursday morning, and by Friday they had closed the Medicaid account. No call, no notice, no nothing; the only way I found out was because I called the second I got the letter stating that the benefits "may" be affected. So, here I sit with 2 kids who have no health insurance and no way of getting it until my next pay period. My son has severe asthma, so if he has a health issue we're essentially screwed? Wow. That is just amazing to me.

I give up. Today marks the day that I hang my head and admit defeat. I now know what it's like to feel all the life drain from your body and your soul to shut down. If you added up all the times I cried the past 2 years, I don't think you'd even come close to the number of tears I cried today, and I could just kick myself for not adhering to the saying, "If it seems too good to be true, it is." I'm too exhausted to go into specifics, but I can say that due to mistakes by other people the 2 areas in my life that have been the most turbulent have now just about exploded.

I did a lot of leg work and paperwork a few months ago and my family was approved for food stamps and the kids got medicaid. I had to do some major work there to keep the same pediatrician we had, get some service agreements set up and the like, but I felt like we were finally, finally able to start getting our lives together again. I knew we'd only need assistance for a few months, so I quickly overcame my embarrassment about getting help. Well, today I got a letter in the mail stating that "due to an error on our part" we were no longer eligible for benefits, and that we were going to have to pay it back. I called the local DCF office and got through to someone after an hour of waiting, and I was told that they had "forgotten" to record my income, so now we owe everything back to the State. Not only is that food money, but money used for insurance too, like the kids check-ups and shots. I got sent over to the Benefits Recovery Center and got a voice mail, so I left a very detailed message about what I thought about their error, and on Monday I should know just how very fucked we are.

Then there's the issue with my son, and it has to do with the very agency I work for. I'm about a footstep away from contacting the local news station, but apparently at this point I can't jeopardize my job for any reason.

I'm boxed in, I am drowning, and right now I just don't give a shit.