In particular was the entry 10/30/00 which says, "... returns at 10:30pm, drunk, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him because of starting my new job tomorrow. He spends until about 2am yelling at me, calling me a c*nt and a whore, a piece of sh!t, I deserve to get AIDS, I'm a waste of skin..." I believe this is also the night that he pinned me up against the wall, ripped up my calendar and shoved pieces in my mouth, then threw the other pieces in my face... Of course that could have happened during one of the 'events' in September...
The thing of it is, no one knew. It all began much, much earlier than that of course, but no one knows the Truth of my life during that whole span time. I don't think I even know, because I spent so much time in a fog of depression and alcohol that I don't remember a lot of it. Even some of the things I I just read about I don't remember at all. All I know is that I lost a lot of friends because of it (including my very best friend from college) because I was sporting a lot of bruises, both mentally and physically, that I couldn't let anyone see. I missed a bridal shower, a birthday party, some really big life events for people I loved dearly because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of just about every aspect of my life. I guess it's happened to a lot of abused people, but I didn't really put myself into that kind of a category until very recently.
I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other.
Hmmm. Maybe the rest of this thinking belongs on my other blog. Seems a bit deep for my daily update space
