Here we go again: the tell-tale sick feeling in my stomach, the crying, the feelings of being completely trapped are surfacing once again.

I remember it from a long time ago, and the obvious course that I'm now on is so vivid in my head that I can't get away from it. I know what's coming and I'm sick to death of it! I worked so hard and ran so fast to get away from it, and now I'm smack in the middle of it again. This time has the potential to be worse though. This time I have more at stake, and the things working against me are more vile and evil then before because they don't have to work at being subtle.

These are the times when knowledge may not necessarily mean power. This might be the time when knowing too much only ends up hurting me, unless I can find a way to use what I know as a means of motivation and protection. I'm sick of games and have no desire to play, but sometimes life dictates actions that have to occur versus what we want to conduct.

A little piece of my heart fell away this morning.

I've been trying to get Ian to walk to his class from the drop-off circle since the second week of school. I enjoy parking the car and walking with him, but once I go back to work it's going to save me a ton of time if he walks himself. His standard answer is, "When the new month starts I'll start walking," but I still ask every day to make sure.

Today we were a little late starting out. I didn't sleep well so I enjoyed the fact that Roo had a bottle at 5am and went back to sleep. I got Ian up a bit late, then I couldn't get myself motivated, so we got out of the house about 10 minutes later than I like.  We got to the parking lot and there were kids everywhere, cars everywhere, and I'm feeling gross because I haven't showered and I'm sweating because I have to wear a sweatshirt due to the fact that my bra has eaten a hole in my side and I wasn't wearing one...

Anyway, Ian likes to push Roo's stroller so we meandered our way to the school and down the sidewalk to his building. There were kids saying "hi" to him as we walked and he was polite in responding, but it wasn't until we turned the corner of the building that he got excited. He kept saying, "Hi!", "Hi!", to this child, who was holding the hand of a little girl, walking in front of us, but he didn't turn around until Ian's sixth "Hi!". When he turned around he said, "Are you calling to me?" and Ian told him that he knew him from the van that takes him to TaeKwonDo in the afternoon. The little boy (probably a second grader by the look of him) gave Ian this huge smile and held out his other hand. "Do you want me to walk you to class?" With just a brief look at me to make sure it was OK, Ian let go of the stroller and took this child's hand.

I watched them walk down the hall, this young-man-to-be, my little boy, and this little girl. To the casual observer they looked as different as could be, but they were really so similar! Three innocent little souls bound together by common circumstance, and not even aware of their differences as anything to even consider when taking each other's hands. Their skin color didn't matter, their gender didn't matter, and their age didn't make a difference. The older boy looked proud as he walked the two little one's to their class, and Ian clutched his hand while looking at him in awe.

Ian did look back once, a smile as big as the sun lighting up his face, but I realized that the little boy who looked to me for everything was suddenly looking at someone else. I'm so proud, but in the same breath my heart is broken just a little bit.

My friend Kim and I went away, just the two of us, this past weekend. It was a chance to renew and refresh, and I wasn't disappointed. I got to do a lot of spiritual reading, a lot of thinking and, best of all, a lot of laughing.

It rained most of the weekend which was fine by us, but on Sunday morning it started to clear up. I got a cup of coffee in the morning and took a walk by the lake to watch the sun come up and to do some meditation. I felt centered pretty quickly, so I decided to walk on the pier and just look at what nature had to say. What follows is what I wrote when I got back to the room:

"I went down to the lake this morning because the sun decided to make an appearance. I was just standing there, looking at the reeds and lily pads, when noticed a duck on the dock. She was your typical Mallard, but what struck me was where she was; right next to one of the Swan Boats.

I watched her preen herself, this plain brown duck, and began wondering if she felt at all shadowed by the impressive Swan behind her. I wondered if she were trying to pretty herself up so she may resemble the Swan, if she was comforted by just being in the presence of the Swan even though she was just an average duck, or if she was jealous of the swan...

Suddenly she spread her wings and flew off over the lake, a perfect image of grace and beauty. In that moment I realized how foolish my thinking had been, both in regards to the duck and to my own situation in life.

The Swan Boat was beautiful, no question. It was clean, majestic, and obviously well cared for. This pretty-to-look-at boat was created with the idea of completing one goal: to provide safe travels around the lake for guests while making a profit for the resort. It manages to do the job daily, and does it repeatedly in order to maximize the return for the resort, all while remaining beautiful.

So, when does the Swan get to spread it's wings? Well, obviously it can't. Here we have a boat made to look like a gorgeous bird, yet it can't do the one thing that makes birds unique. It's stuck making a profit while at the will of someone other than itself- a slave to someone else's vision of perfection.

But, what about the duck? Ordinary as she appeared, she ended up being extraordinary. She is the one who is happy... and free."

I made my decision this weekend that I'm quite happy being a duck. Others may find their happiness and validation in being the swan, but I prefer being ordinarily extraordinary! 

I'll never forget that day. I was at the Probation Office getting files ready for court. I was in Joe P.'s office and there was a live interruption on the radio about the first plane hitting the Tower. The announcer was flustered and kept saying, "We don't know what happened. We don't know why this plane hit the building." At first I was was like, "Wow, I wonder what happened to that flight! Was it a control tower error? Did the plane malfunction?"

Then the second plane hit while I was in Ryan's office. I just stood in the doorway, totally numb. People were rushing around, all you could hear were people saying, "Did you hear?" and "What the hell? What the hell is going on?"  I'll never forget the look on Suzanne's face when she ran past the door because her son is in the military and she just knew what it all meant. I remember being terrified because my brother worked in Boston at the time and no one knew what was happening, if there were more targets...

~i~

Ahhhhhh..... I can't believe this is really going to happen! My good friend Kim and I are going away on a sort of "girl retreat" this weekend. We're going to head out on Friday and stay until Sunday. I think that a massage may be in order while we're there, as well as some time in the steam room. The pool-side bar will be a must-do as well, and I can't wait to take part in their bubble bar. The place we're staying is in Orlando (called The Fountains) so it's close by, but it's going to be like we're a world away.  I can't wait!!!!!