I wonder sometimes about people. Well, I wonder all the time about people as a human race goes, but specific things about people seem to take up a lot of time of my active brain power.

The funny thing is that it seems that the people closest to me are making me the most curious. My husband, for one, is totally clueless it seems. He even made a comment to me today about how I have been "calmer" for the past week, and that I haven't "given him shit" for a while about things. This at first made me think that I should be upset, because if he really sees me as a nag then that can't be a good sign. But, I do know what he really means, and I'm just curious to see how much longer he's going to like the new me or if it's going to get old. Considering the fact he married me (so he says) in part was because of my "fire" and my "passion" for things, you'd think that this new laissez-faire attitude would make him wonder. Just now he called and asked me a question that before would have pissed me off and I would have let him know because, once again, I feel like he's choosing something over his family, but the new me just told him "Fine" and left it at that. He's probably loving it now, but we'll see what happens as the months go by and I just don't give enough to care.

I hope to adopt the same attitude with work. For as long as I'm stuck back there I plan to just do what I'm paid to do, then come home and forget all about it.

Since I decided that I'm tired of caring, tired of trying to make things work with people people who are just out for themselves, and tired of it feeling like I'm smashing my head (or, heart) against a wall and getting nowhere, thus making the decision to keep my heart out of everything I do, it's been so much easier. Smooth sailing all the way!

My garden has a fungus. I'm pretty upset about it, but at least it seems to have only affected the squash. I see the beginnings on my cucumbers and melons, but I'm hoping that the treatment I did yesterday keeps them safe.

The lettuce, the plants that I thought would never grow, are thriving! I've been eating it on sandwiches, and I picked some of all 4 types for a salad tonight. I'll just be me and the kids so I'm making Ian pizza, and I'll have a salad with some pasta or something.

Today I'm going to my friend's workplace to chat with her for a while. I have a bottle of Rain Organic Vodka that I'm bringing her. I am NOT a vodka drinker so it's all hers now!

This "I-don't-care" attitude is serving me very well. It's made everything so much easier to handle! I'm not getting mad at comments I hear, I'm not stressing (too much) over my current situation, and I've found that I can breathe again without feeling sick to my stomach.

My flippancy has not gone fully unnoticed, but I refuse to reveal my secret. Do people need to know that my doing this I feel somewhat dead inside? NOPE! Does anyone really need to know that my soul is only 3/4 intact because it's the only way to keep safe? No way. This is the way that I want/need to live my life right now and that's what I'm going to do. I've been here before and survived and I'll do it again.

I have to wonder when something is a "bail out" vs. the Universe giving you an opportunity. How can you tell the difference? Is it due to the circumstances surrounding the event? A feeling in your gut? I have been thinking about this all night because something happened to put my mind in motion.

I have a very unique relationship with someone. We have this strange connection and, no matter how much time has passed we just seem to know when the other one needs either an ear or a shoulder. I don't know what it is, but I'm glad that the Universe is so kind in giving us connections like that, even if it can also cause serious hurt when things happen...  Anyway, once again it appears that something may line up for me through this person, but I am having a hard time accepting the reality of it. Part of me feels like I'm getting bailed out of a situation (which I've been bailed out of before in the same manner!) and that I'd be running from something vs. toward something. BUT, it could also be a door opening as well... Of course the possibility was mentioned in passing and may be nothing, but the whole thing got me wondering about the "Big Picture".

How do you differentiate between running away from something because it's bad to running toward something that's good for you? How do you know if a door is opening for you versus it being pried open for one reason or another? When is trusting your gut enough, and when should you let your head lead the way?

I've been thinking about changing my outlook on things. I'm wondering if it's possible to remain positive about life yet also remain in an "I don't care" frame of mind. I truly believe that might be the way to go for right now, because I'm tired of the disappointment and the hurt feelings.

I tried to have a serious discussion with someone the other night and was basically blown off. It wasn't their fault per se, but it's so seldom that I actually open up and say what's hurting me or scaring me that, to be dismissed by either their inability to listen the way I needed them to or whatever, it just proved again why I need to keep my mouth shut and just continue to do things on my own. I NEVER cry in front of people and this time I did, and that just angers me more.

I know that you miss out on a lot when you shut down, but I've always been OK as Jenn-on-her-own. It would be worth it to miss out on the highs if I could stop the lows...