I was sitting in Court today thinking about marriage. I was thinking about what makes a good marriage, if I have a good marriage, and wondering if I would ever consider changing my life/disrupting everything I have and know in order to pursue something I don't even know exists. I began thinking about the past; who I knew, what I did, what I thought I wanted back then vs. where I am now... And suddenly I saw someone who literally took my breath away.

I haven't seen this person in over 5 years. He is the epitome of my past, representing everything I was and everything that I was striving for "back then". He is someone that I cared deeply for, yet who also tested my resolve (he was married, and I was attempting to be the kind of person I could be proud of by the time I met him ). I may have tested the waters if I hadn't met Sean a few months into knowing this guy, but things happen the way they're supposed to, right?

I don't believe in coincidences. I damn well know that there is a reason he showed up while I was thinking what I was thinking, and I also know that there is a good reason why we were in a situation where we couldn't speak to each other while he was there. I've been thinking about it for days, and it's messing up my head something fierce.

I hate to admit that I've been checking my old email to see if he sends me something. I still have a bunch of emails he sent me that I've saved, but I haven't been "there" yet, and I don't plan to. I just want to know why our paths have crossed again after so much time, and I am anxious to know if they'll cross again or if this was a one time thing.