" Finality is a funny thing. Some things may appear to be 'done with' or 'finished' but in fact have quite a bit of wiggle room left in them. They can still be manipulated or stretched into something else and, even if the original product is still recognizable, our perception and interpretation can be altered enough to affect the very emotion we feel when we look at it.
Then there are the things that really are final. By that I mean the things that are said or done that once let out of your grasp, they change everything. They change feelings, they change viewpoints, they change reactions, and they end up leaving a residual effect on your very soul. They are always there tapping, tapping, tapping at your Psyche. They leave a whisper in your ear that is forever present and no matter what you do to try and change where the first step toward this finality began, it can never be altered.
The fist step is always the worst. It becomes fossilized and imprinted in what you are made up of. It is forever a part a of you- a part that shapes you and makes you who you are. It can never be rescinded and it can never be covered up because the very fact that there was that first step created the change in the first place.
I hate change.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I need people. I hate the 'is it-isn't it' game, and I hate the fact that there are parts of me that are vulnerable. There are things that I wish I didn't need to share and there are things that I feel that I wish I didn't. I hate that I can be so immersed in something that it can cut me to the very core if I let it.
I have been told that I am not an easy person to get to know. That is true, and I have my reasons. I work hard for my friendships and it seems that I have always ended up running away for one reason or another. I trust too easily in some ways, but I do NOT trust easily with my emotions, feelings, and thoughts. There are many good reasons why this is so true, especially now, but I am trying to work through all of that. I use my humor as a way to my heart- if I make you laugh I know I did my job.
I sometimes appear to people that there's nothing that bothers me. That I'm strong and callous at times and that people can't really hurt the inside of me because I haven't invested anything.
There is nothing further from the truth then that. I appear that way because it's happened to me way too many times to forget. I have pieces of myself that are forever lost because of what people have done to me in the name of friendship. Unfortunately, while my outer self appears to be so shielded I'm really not on the inside. For every secret that's shared with me, for every hurt and betrayal, for every tear my friends shed, for every laugh we share and for every admission of self that I hear, I become just that much more connected. I allow more of myself to be attached to that person, and I assign a bit more of me to their very being.
I'm not so vain as to think that I contribute that much to my friends, but what I do hold out to them is 100% real. There is nothing fake about me. If I give it, it is yours completely. The painful part about that is that sometimes people then take what they have of me and rip it apart. They pull it apart, see how much they can pull until it breaks, and then throw it away.
And it hurts."
