Tomorrow is our big meeting with the specialist. I'm nervous, but not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I've been doing so much positive thinking, and I know that there are over 50 people who are praying for my little girl, so if there is anything to this "God" thing at all my little girl will come out this with flying colors.

I was speaking to a coworker today and I mentioned something that's been on my mind for a while: I often wonder if my having Reilly was, in a way, cheating the Universe. If you think about all the medication I took while pregnant, all the sonograms to check her health, all the testing and peeing-on-a-stick things I did to even get pregnant... Well, was she a child I was never meant to have in the first place? Was I blessed with a gift that I wasn't meant to have in the first place and, now that she's here, am I going to have to go through the unmentionable grief of letting her go? Is she going to be ripped out of my heart because she wasn't supposed to be in it in the first place? Did I go to far and force her to be an earth-bound angel?

My mind is a very dark place sometimes.