I can't believe that I had to just do what I did. I am totally embarrassed, but I had to call and tell my friend that I can't go to her baby shower tomorrow because I have no money for a gift. I had to leave a message for her and I couldn't even get through the whole thing without crying.

I hate that I have to miss such a special day because she has been such a wonderful friend to me and is about as sincere as a person can be about my kids. She was so supportive of me when I was pregnant with Roo and she adores her now. She loves Ian and constantly asks for updates on him in a way that I know she is invested in his well-being. I feel like shit that I can't give her a fantastic baby gift. If I could, I'd buy her everything on her registry to show her how happy I am that she's going to have a baby and how much she means to me as a friend. Sadly, I know that she doesn't care about the gift, but I do and I just can't show up empty handed.

I am over it all. I don't even know what to do any more. I have $100 of birthday money that my Mom gave me, and that's going to go toward Easter gifts for the kids and for food while I'm on my work trip. After that, I just don't kow.

I am so tired. I am tired of caring, of worrying, of trying to make it all work. I'm tired of being responsible for the kid's schedule and care, the bills, and the house. I'm studying in order to get my MT certificate, but at this point it looks like I"ll have to keep my full time job and do that part time in order for us to survive. I'm sick to my stomach all the time, and I have nothing left in me to devote to me or my friends. I'm failing at every turn and I AM NOT A FAILURE!

I'm beginning to think that this was all a mistake. Marraige, kids, the whole deal. I don't think I did my kids a service by having them and putting them in a situation like this. I feel like a selfish bitch and I can't take any of it back. I'm not doing a very good job at being a wife, mother, or friend, and I know that I'm sucking as a daughter because my parents feel a responsibility to bail me out and it is NOT THEIR JOB. I'm done taking money from them and, if it means falling behind and getting bad credit, oh well.

I've been spinning my wheels for years now and I think I've given up. Why do I keep trying when I get slapped back down every time I try? I've attempted to do contract work for print ads, worked at my jewelery and soap, am working toward my BS and MT certificate; I'm trying any way I can to make money to survive. I've given up my dream of being a SAHM (how can I be when the health insurance and money for bills is all my responsibility?) but what else can I do? Short of winning the lottery, we are fucked. And I'm over it.