I've been busy today. So far I've gotten 2 reports for work completed (a big load off of my mind!), ordered the crib parts I need, gotten stuff straightened out in regards to Ian's possible 504 plan, and looked into possibly remortgaging the house.

Not bad for a Tuesday!

I think I may have found a solution to my problem. It hinges on one thing, so tomorrow I have to investigate the matter so that I can set the wheels in motion. Of course if this one thing doesn't work out I'm back at square one, which is some place that I really don't want to be.

Once I know what's happening I'll stop being so cryptic, but right now I don't want to put it all out there.

I'm trying so hard to make a decision. I feel like I know what I should do, but then the "what if" situations happen and I feel guilty for even considering it. I can't keep on like this, that's for sure- I'm sick to my stomach every day and I spend my nights worrying that I forgot a client, or forgot to do something, or I'm going to get in trouble for not doing something else...

This is no way to live.

I'm feeling better today, thank goodness! I had to miss a party I was looking forward to last night, but I think it was better that I didn't go because I still felt pretty bad for most of the evening.

Today we went to a festival at Ian's school and we had a blast! He got to play games, go in jump houses, and he won a ton of prizes. After that we had lunch with my parents, then we came home and I got to study a bit. Now I'm getting ready to have some sangria and watch Twilight again.

I'm wrestling with something right now and it's consuming most of my time and my energy. It's something that will afford me the possibility of staying home like I want to, for a few months at least, but I'm feeling selfish and scared about making it a reality. Do I have the right to take such a big chance when I have a family to think about? Do I?

Ugh. What is this awful thing I have? I manifestation of my mental state? Probably...

I didn't even go in to work today. I haven't been sick for the entire year I've been working at this company, so I am obviously feeling crappy.