It's funny- when I'm in a bad mood, sad, scared, whatever, I hide it. Some people get upset when they realize this (mainly my husband because he thinks that I don't talk to him but that I do talk to my friends, which is not true at all), but there's a good reason for this: I have found, through the years, that no one really cares. Oh sure, people want to know why I'm upset or sad, but as for people actually caring? I don't buy it.

I used to tell the world how I was feeling. I'd tell anyone who'd listen and, naive as it was, I expected that someone other than me would actually take the time to empathize and/or try to help me.  However, as I've gotten older and my heart has been hurt too many times to count, I realize that there is just me and that I am the only person I can rely on. Everyone is busy with their own lives and their own battles, their own circumstances and their own experiences, and my emotions are just a brief hiatus from their own. That's just the way life is, and I've come to understand that it is not a reflection of me or the person I am but rather a commentary on how busy and hectic the world is.

Along with this knowledge comes the realization that I am the only one who can fix my problems. I can't rely on anyone else to solve what needs to be figured out, so why would I bother to discuss it? What good does it do to "share my feelings" when all that does is put myself and my feelings 'out there' without a resolution?  What's the use?

Does this mean that I'm jaded, or does it just mean that I've figured out how to keep myself safe? I honestly think that keeping quiet is smarter than letting it be known that your heart is breaking, because when you do admit to vulnerability and pain and not a soul even responds it's much, much worse then bearing the burden alone.

Right now Roo is sleeping. I ended up leaving work, picking her up, and walking to the school to get Ian. We had a pleasant walk back looking for rocks (for our Leprechaun traps), and now we're going to do his new "ABC Music & Me" CD.

I am trying to focus on my time with them rather than anything else right now.

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach and I hate it. It's a feeling I know well and I am trying everything in my power to keep it squashed down where it won't do me much harm, but I can feel the fingers of it slipping around my heart. My stomach is churning and I find myself constantly in that "what's going to happen?" mindset- you know, the one where you're jumpy and just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.

Unfortunately, at this point I'm living in a situation where no one can help me. I have to move through this on my own and, even though I've been at this very spot more times than I can count, it's just as painful as it was the first time. I don't quite believe that there is any way to keep this from happening to me, but I sure wish I could figure out a way to at least smooth the edges! I know medication would help, but that's a road that I don't want to travel down.

I know it's also somewhat situational. I want to work from home so badly that I ache, but I just can't find a way to do that. I know I'm studying and working toward making it happen, but I'm so far away...  If I could even find a job that's part-time in an office and the rest of the time at home I could deal with that, but nothing seems so flexible.

I feel like I'm missing out on my kids' lives and it's breaking my heart...

Time keeps on getting away from me! Between work, Ian and Reilly, studying, and keeping my marriage together I hardly have time for anything else any more. I have been able to get out a few times with friends this month, so that's been a nice break to the craziness that is my life.

When I think of something interesting I'll write again...

Reilly had her 4 month appointment yesterday and she's doing great! She weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces which puts her in the 25% for weight, is 24.5 inches long which is in the 65%, and her head is in the 25% . She's going to be tall and slender like her brother, which I guessed because her feet are pushing through her 3 month clothes. She has hit all the milestones on time, and she's healthy other than her skin which is horrible- but this I knew because no amount of baby oil can smooth her poor skin. She got her 3 shots which was bad to watch, but this time I got smart so she didn't cry for more than about 10 seconds! She was hungry so I held off feeding her until it was time for the shots. She was so busy sucking on the bottle that she was only annoyed by the first shot. The second one hurt her, but she was over it much quicker this time around. You can bet I'll be using this trick every time we're at the doctor's office!

I'm going to be using my "past talents" to help out Sean by designing a promotional add/flyer for the shop. They're going to put together "economic stimulus packages" for customers to buy, and I think it's a great idea! I'm not quite sure how I'm going to put it all together though; I'm so out of practice!