I feel better today. I did a lot of thinking yesterday/last night, and my mindset has shifted. Basically I'm going to try to keep my spirits up and be thankful that I have a job, because I'd rather be in a miserable circumstance with a good attitude than in a fucked-up situation with a hateful heart.

I'm taking all of this as a learning experience too. I've learned what I really want in life, I know who I can trust completely, who I need to let go of, and  how to access strength I didn't even know I had. Most importantly, I learned that I can survive emotionally as long as I believe in myself and continue to be the person I know I can be. I don't want to let myself down again. No one else is responsible for holding me up; I need to be able to do it myself without hoping someone else is going to do it for me. I need to take responsibility for what's happening and fix it myself, not wait in hopes that someone is going to do it for me!

I am also feeling pretty confident that I got final confirmation on some things I was wondering about. People are nothing if not consistent in their behavior, and for some reason I let that become a grey area. It's unusual for me because I'm usually a "hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me" kind of person, but there are a few aspects of my life were I did not live by that rule for one reason or another. Everything happens for a reason, and I think that, if nothing else, part of this situation was in an effort to prove to me once and for all to keep my heart safe. I need to keep myself protected, so that's what I'm going to do from here on out.

I am sitting here wondering how it's possible to feel so alone in a world that is stuffed full of people. I'm beginning to wonder if more people = more chance of disappointment, or if the feeling is just something that I've been cursed with and am destined to live with my whole life. I remember starting to feel lonely once I hit grade school age; I had tons of friends and was surrounded by people, but I always felt alone in the social aspect of my life. I was one of those people who learned early on that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone, or you could be physically alone and feel perfectly settled in your existence. Unfortunately for me, I was usually the one laughing and partying with my friends while my soul felt as if it were in a dark box with no exit in sight. Over the years I've worked very hard to change my thinking and change my heartstrings, but I don't think that was something I should have done. I should have left myself alone.

I feel like I'm in the vortex and there's nowhere to grab on to stop it. I've tried to throw my hands out once or twice, but my fingers seem to have been ripped off of whatever grasp I had. Worse than loosing my grip, however, was getting my reach ignored completely. I don't think you ever get over something like that. 

I haven't written here in a while because I can't. There is only one thing on my mind, and it makes me sick every time I think about it. I've been having stomach pains for 2 days now, and every time I look at my kids I start to cry.

There has to be a better way...

I would be nice if I had some support from my husband, but he doesn't seem to care at all.

This "suffering in silence" shit sucks.

Wow. I just had a parent-teacher conference that went very differently than I anticipated! I went in to it with my back up, ready to defend my son, only to be blown away by all the amazing things his teacher said.

First of all, he scored above and beyond their expectations on the FAIR testing that Florida has for reading so he's in her top reading group (which surprised me). He's her top writer, which also surprised me because he struggles with his letters so much when we do his homework. She said that he's adjusted amazingly well to the mainstream classroom, and his old ESE teachers and she converse all time. They are thrilled with how well he's doing, and there is a lot of high-five-ing going on, LOL! He is going to be in "gifted" (which is a term I hate, so I call it "advanced" instead) math, and he is her helper in the classroom.

His behavior has improved "tremendously" she said, and she feels that his 'bad days' are more an exception to his behavior rather than the rule. She notices that he seems to only have issues when he's away from adults, and I explained to her about his previous problems of being punched, bitten, and kicked while on the playground last year. She seemed horrified and said that could easily explain why he gets aggressive.

What makes me most proud is what she said about his interaction with some of the other students. He is, in her words, one of the sweetest kids she's known. She put him at a table with a little girl who speaks no English, and while most of the kids either ignore her or yell at her, Ian sits with her and shows her how to do what ever assignment they're working on. He's patient and kind, and she is blown away with how nicely he treats her and the other students that the rest of the kids don't quite know what to do with.

I am SO proud of my little boy. So, so proud.

I try to be "correct" in this blog, but at this point I don't care anymore.

FUCK!!!!

I am to the point of laughing because, really, what's left to do? On top of everything else, now we have a septic problem AGAIN. I got a plumber out here today to take care of what we thought was a clog, but it seems now like our drain field is shot. WTF!! I'm reminded, once again, of my friend's quote, "I've never met anyone like you guys; If you didn't have bad luck, then you'd have none at all." Seriously!!! Ian is sick, I have to go back to work next week, I don't know if something I'm waiting to hear about is going to pan out or not, I am still furious at my husband because he just doesn't GET IT, (plus the fact that he can't do squat about anything. Sure, I'm home so I don't mind, but can you participate a little bit? Huh? Can you pick up the phone and handle one problem without making me feel like a twit in the process?). Pile it on, pile it on... I'm still standing up so I must be able to shoulder some more crap.

I can't decide if I want to meditate or drink.