I called a friend yesterday to finalize plans for our dinner-and -a- movie plan and to vent about the recent issues with my son. We were discussing what movie to see when, as it usually happens, the conversation turned to other things about our lives. We hit on something in my life that I don't talk about much; something that happened to me during my teen years and, while I may mention it in passing as something that I lived through, I never really talk about it.

For some reason I lay it all out yesterday. I didn't go into detail about the six-year episode or about how it happened, why it happened, or what stopped it, but I did talk about what it did to me and what it continues to do to me. In fact, a lot of things about me and the way I view things and relationships came to light and, in all honesty, it knocked me for a loop for the rest of the day.

I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on this, nor have I ever labeled it a defining experience in my life, but after allowing myself to really think about it yesterday I see that it screwed me up in a lot of ways that I hadn't even realized. Some of the puzzle pieces have fallen in to place and I'm disappointed that I let this situation create such a mess of my emotional self. For years I thought that I had dealt with it, come to terms with it, and the put it away, but I now see that it touches my life every day.

Now comes the hard part: What do I do with this now? Do I continue to battle against myself? Do I try to self-psychiatrist myself (is the old adage "Any lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a client," hold true for psychology majors too?), or do I think about seeing someone professionally? I feel like I have a handle on the past as far as acceptance, but I honestly see the self-destructive path that I lay out for myself in years past, as well as things that I've done recently that are a direct result of what happened to me.

Thankfully I'm pretty well adjusted, and the surfacing of these emotions and behaviors are few and far between. In fact, I feel a bit freer after having this conversation because a few things I've been struggling with now make perfect sense to me. I want to fix some things and have for a while, and now I believe I have a starting point to gather my strength from.

Since I've been working so hard at getting rid of the toxic things and those that have been dragging me down, I feel so much better! I've been working hard at my job, studying every night, and making time to see my friends. I have put 100% of myself into my family, and I finally feel like I have control over what's going on in every aspect of my life. I've also been making sure to work on my spirituality, and I truly think that has been helping as well. I've remembered to meditate every day (even if it's just for 5 minutes) and I pulled out a CD and all material I used when taking my class at Church.

This month has been amazing. I put my mind to focusing on me and what makes ME happy. I re-evaluated the things in my life that I thought I needed, and those that I found didn't bring me happiness I got rid of. I restructured my life and made a plan to reach my goals, and I realized that I had to give up some things as well as work toward obtaining/strengthening others. I feel a million times stronger emotionally and I am flying on an all-natural high! I'm so happy and in such a good place right now!

I'm sitting here listening to a CD that I bought about 2 years ago. I bought it during an amazingly chaotic time in my life, and the memories that are flooding through my mind are amazing. I'm remembering my old job when I worked with someone I was quite close to at the time, doing something that I thought I was pretty good at and enjoyed very much. It was a time when I was a the peak of learning and figuring out my spirituality and where it stood in my life. I was meeting new friends, and I was excited about a new pregnancy.

Of course like everything does, things changed very quickly. The relationships I was so comfortable in changed and some disappeared completely. I lost two pregnancies. I left my job. I stopped doing the creative things I was focusing on. I began to question my Faith...

But, all-in-all I wouldn't change one bit of it. I look at where I am now and, although my life is not perfect, I am blessed. I have a wonderful new daughter, Ian is well and happy, Sean is doing as best as he can and is healthy, my mom survived breast cancer for the second time, my friends whom have remained in my life are sources of great comfort to me, I have a job that's afforded me a lot of freedom, and I still have my Faith. The lessons I'm learning are amazing as well. At 30-something I continue to slip up sometimes, but regaining my foothold his getting easier and the circumstances are less painful each time around. I still have a lot to learn, but I truly think I'm getting there.

I logged into the computer which my first mistake, LOL! I went through my blog listings and caught up with reading, and then I went looking for a new unique networking site because I love networking!

I found Acobay, which has a pretty neat way of networking. You join (they don't even ask for your email address so there's not a chance of spam!), and then you add "your stuff", which is essentially the way you connect with people.  You go into the "stuff map", click on the product you're intereted in, and there you go- all the reviews written by people just like you!

I've already been on there adding things for over a half hour now. I really need to get out of there!