Thanks to everyone who responded to my blog by commenting, emailing, or calling. You're all wonderful to indulge me in my 15.5 (yes, I counted) hours of self-pity!

I'm fine now. I'm 'over' it all, and moving forward. I'm just going to have to make the best of where I am and focus on working toward my goal of getting out of here some day!

See? I grieve hard, but it's fast!

Let me start out by saying I'm usually this petty and selfish. Really, I'm not. But, this time around I can't seem to help it and it's hit me pretty hard.

Yesterday after getting the wonderful news that everything is fine with the pregnancy and finding out what we're having, we went to look at a house. It's about a mile or so from where we currently are, in my parent's neighborhood, and they just dropped the price over 50K. I've wanted to live in this neighborhood for over a year now: There are sidewalks, a nice HOA that does 'family' things all year round, they drive slowly... A far cry from my once-nice neighborhood where, just last December, someone a few houses down threatened to kill his mother and sister, then ended up shooting himself in the leg, where people drive over 50mph on my supposedly 25mph street, where my car has gotten broken into twice... I had also received some signs the past two days that, in my faithfulness, I attributed to the Universe showing me I was on the right path, that finally, finally, something was going to work out for us!

Anyway, as soon as we stepped in the door I fell in love. It has a pool, is wide open with a huge kitchen, 2055 square feet, four bedrooms... and so, so inexpensive for what and where it is.

We sat down afterward and went over numbers with my parents. They were offering us a fantastic deal: Mortgage at 5% for 30 years!!! Amazing, amazing, amazing...

But, as I should come to expect by now, the monthly payment was just too much.

I'm am completely disgusted (and devastated) right now. I can't believe that a few hundred dollars a month is going to make this a deal-breaker. I am ANGRY that I am stuck here in this shoebox of a house, in a neighborhood that makes me furious every time a car drives by, in a situation like this. I have been patient for over FOUR YEARS while Sean has been working his ass off at this business, working in jobs I've hated because I've had no choice, fighting because we have no money, feeling like my entire life was falling in around me because I've been stuck with no way out. I thought that finally, finally, we had a chance to get one step ahead of ourselves... I am SICK TO DEATH of having no way to turn! I feel like I have no control over my life anymore; that money is ruling is all and I CAN'T STAND IT!

I give up. I don't care anymore. I refuse to look ahead and see where my life could be in five years because, in all honesty, I really don't care. I am just that sick of it all.

Sean has, of course, turned this into the proverbial "So you think I can't provide for you and I failed," moment for himself, and this is the first time I've ever let him go ahead and think just that. I'm tired of stroking his ego, I'm frustrated that I have to constantly show him the bright side of everything, and I'm DONE pretending that I'm fine. I've done the, "There's great things in store of us down the road, I can feel it!" song and dance for too long now. I don't think I believe it any more anyway.

(Adding: I am giving myself 2 days to wallow in my misery. Then, it's business as usual)

I had an emergancy ultrasound today and I was able to find out what we're having. Take a guess before I reveal it tomorrow!

I've had some spotting since Friday. I wasn't too worried about it, but I called them today and 'my' nurse wanted me to come in because she said she doesn't like anything amiss that lasts over two days, LOL! So, when I went in for the u/s to see what was going on she asked me if I wanted to know what I was having. I said, "OK" (duh).

The bleeding is caused by a blood vessel between the cervix and placenta that's actively bleeding. The believe that the Lovonex is causing the bleeding to be 'more' than it would be otherwise. So, that's great news!

Blah. I am so annoyed. I won't go into details because it's always the same song and dance.

I would like to say, however, that the people that say "Money isn't everything," and "Having money doesn't mean you're happy," are the very people who actually have money.

We had the chance to possibly do something/get something better than where we are but it looks like, once again, we can't because we don't have the initial money. I'm getting used to this ending to all of my stories.

I'm getting tired. I'm getting tired of being patient for money to come in, tired of worrying about  it, tired of worrying about what's going to happen next. I've been positive, helpful, supportive, trusting, faithful, and it's still as hard as it was on day one (almost).

What do I have to do? Where am I going wrong? Why is is so freakin' easy for some people and so hard for others?

What a fabulous day! My parents ended up tagging along and we all sat around talking, laughing, and discussing an interesting business deal(s) while Ian played his heart out. We even went to the "other side" of the beach where the Gulf comes in and played in the waves (The part of Fort DeSoto Beach we go to is divided by an enormous tide pool so that's where Ian plays and swims because it's not too deep and there's no current) and we had a great time!

I did, however, learn something important: When on a blood thinner, you  need to avoid sun exposure.  Even if you're only in it for a nanosecond while you set up a tent to be sure you have shade from said exposure, and then in the ocean for 10 minutes where you just can't avoid the burning star, you will get severely burned. So much so, that you can't stand to wear clothes because the pressure on your skin in unbearable. Then, of course, you have the nausea that comes along with sunburn, the extreme thirst... Blech. Driving home from the beach I couldn't even have Sean's arm resting near mine because the dual heat from our arms (yes, he burned too but he's an idiot, more so than I am) were like the negative sides of magnets placed together. I thought we were going to combust!

When we got home without anyone catching fire I wanted to nap but couldn't because that would have meant laying on the bed and I seriously think the friction of the sheets would have killed me, so I took a shower instead. After a few tears when the water hit my skin I was able to finally ease my way in, but I couldn't stand too close to the tiles because the glow of the burn reflecting of the white hurt my eyes. Then there was the issue of shaving my legs... I won't go in to detail, but picture raw skin and a rusty knife and you get the idea.

I also hit another milestone of pregnancy today: I can no long see my feet when I'm in the shower.