I have to hold tight onto my belief that everything happens for a reason because at this point I don't have any other answers.

After crying, crunching numbers, crying some more, fighting, we had it worked out, only to have it snatched away by someone else LESS THAN TWO HOURS before we got ourselves togther!!

Thanks to everyone who responded to my blog by commenting, emailing, or calling. You're all wonderful to indulge me in my 15.5 (yes, I counted) hours of self-pity!

I'm fine now. I'm 'over' it all, and moving forward. I'm just going to have to make the best of where I am and focus on working toward my goal of getting out of here some day!

See? I grieve hard, but it's fast!

Let me start out by saying I'm usually this petty and selfish. Really, I'm not. But, this time around I can't seem to help it and it's hit me pretty hard.

Yesterday after getting the wonderful news that everything is fine with the pregnancy and finding out what we're having, we went to look at a house. It's about a mile or so from where we currently are, in my parent's neighborhood, and they just dropped the price over 50K. I've wanted to live in this neighborhood for over a year now: There are sidewalks, a nice HOA that does 'family' things all year round, they drive slowly... A far cry from my once-nice neighborhood where, just last December, someone a few houses down threatened to kill his mother and sister, then ended up shooting himself in the leg, where people drive over 50mph on my supposedly 25mph street, where my car has gotten broken into twice... I had also received some signs the past two days that, in my faithfulness, I attributed to the Universe showing me I was on the right path, that finally, finally, something was going to work out for us!

Anyway, as soon as we stepped in the door I fell in love. It has a pool, is wide open with a huge kitchen, 2055 square feet, four bedrooms... and so, so inexpensive for what and where it is.

We sat down afterward and went over numbers with my parents. They were offering us a fantastic deal: Mortgage at 5% for 30 years!!! Amazing, amazing, amazing...

But, as I should come to expect by now, the monthly payment was just too much.

I'm am completely disgusted (and devastated) right now. I can't believe that a few hundred dollars a month is going to make this a deal-breaker. I am ANGRY that I am stuck here in this shoebox of a house, in a neighborhood that makes me furious every time a car drives by, in a situation like this. I have been patient for over FOUR YEARS while Sean has been working his ass off at this business, working in jobs I've hated because I've had no choice, fighting because we have no money, feeling like my entire life was falling in around me because I've been stuck with no way out. I thought that finally, finally, we had a chance to get one step ahead of ourselves... I am SICK TO DEATH of having no way to turn! I feel like I have no control over my life anymore; that money is ruling is all and I CAN'T STAND IT!

I give up. I don't care anymore. I refuse to look ahead and see where my life could be in five years because, in all honesty, I really don't care. I am just that sick of it all.

Sean has, of course, turned this into the proverbial "So you think I can't provide for you and I failed," moment for himself, and this is the first time I've ever let him go ahead and think just that. I'm tired of stroking his ego, I'm frustrated that I have to constantly show him the bright side of everything, and I'm DONE pretending that I'm fine. I've done the, "There's great things in store of us down the road, I can feel it!" song and dance for too long now. I don't think I believe it any more anyway.

(Adding: I am giving myself 2 days to wallow in my misery. Then, it's business as usual)