I find myself getting nervous when I remember that I'm having a little girl. I keep thinking about clothes, raising her 'right', what on earth I'm going to do when the teenage years start to approach... I never thought I'd have a girl these past five years I've been raising Ian, so now I'm kind of dumbstruck.

I remember the turmoil of growing up very well. I know the things I did and I wonder every day how I managed to get this far in life without killing myself (no exaggerations on that, either). I think back to how mean the girls were to each other while growing up, how fast things changed socially, how broken my heart got year after year while dating... And look at what girls are doing to each other now! Ganging up on one and beating the crap out of her, having sex at 12 years old, being violent and nasty... Not to mention the fact that clothes and labels are so important to girl's and where they 'stand' socially!

I am terrified.

How am I going to keep it together in today's world? I know part of growing up means getting your feelings hurt and learning how to resolve conflict, but I can't even deal with it when some child takes the swing away from Ian on the playground! How on earth am I going to deal with all the girl drama? Even my niece, at 6 years old, lives a wild life with the ins and outs of social strife.

I think I am going to definitely need medication for the next 18 years.

I've always been curious about the police. I went to a college that was known for it's high amount of criminal justice turnouts; in fact my dream was to be a State Police Officer. I got to my second semester sophomore year before I decided I needed to change my major so I had a good background in the field, and my interest has continued over the years.

I've been interested in the supplies cops need, especially when I learned that the majority of purchases are up to the officers to make! I've browsed around at different sites and have found all sorts of cool things like guns, night vision (cool!) equipment, steel-toed shoes, flashlights... but my favorite site is www.LApolicegear.com. They offer all sorts of necessary equipment like 5.11 Shorts, under-armor, holsters, and more, and they even have a closeout section. Good deals for some of the most underpaid hero's in this Country!

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I realized some amazing things about myself the past two days.

1. I am a very emotional creature
2. I am an idiot
3. I am an idiot with a severe control issue

For some reason, losing what I spent over 15 hours in complete turmoil over has sent an amazing sense of calm over me. I am 100% certain that all of this unraveled a mere few hours before I even knew it for a reason or reasons that I'm unaware of. I was so sure, especially after learning what I did about the people involved, that there was no way we could lose out, but we did. And I'm OK.

When I heard about it from my Dad I kept waiting for the explosion, the usual spark that turns into a wildfire before I know it. I did feel a twinge, but nothing more. Stranger still, I smiled all night and feel fine.

Renewed faith that everything really is as it should be? The knowledge that we aren't really as stuck as we seem and I do have some control of the direction of our lives? Getting another glimpse of how wonderful my family really is? Complete control freak? A 33 year old hiding an extremely self-centered 13 year old who's only happy when she gets her way?

I'm really not sure....

I do have a sudden urge for a toasted marshmallow. That is not really relevant to the subject of this blog, but I can almost taste the darn thing. Maybe I'll light the fire pit tonight and cook some. Ohhh, S'mores!!!!!

Perhaps I need medication.

I have to hold tight onto my belief that everything happens for a reason because at this point I don't have any other answers.

After crying, crunching numbers, crying some more, fighting, we had it worked out, only to have it snatched away by someone else LESS THAN TWO HOURS before we got ourselves togther!!