I need a different job. I guess it's kind of like a relationship; once you break up you only remember the good things, but if you get back together, *BAM!*, all of the other stuff comes flooding back.

It isn't even the job so much as the bullshit stuff that is expected of me that I didn't even know about prior to accepting the position. That and DCF breathing down my neck about stuff that's out of my control... I'm sitting here and all I want to do is cry and run away. I miss being home, I miss being able to hang out with my son, and I miss my friends.

I know my hormones are out of whack because I feel like I did pre-Ian. I want to hide in my bed with the covers over my head and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go to Church or class, I don't want to do any of my creative things... I just want to sleep. I'm short tempered with Ian, I don't have the drive to do anything with him either... I hate this!

I slept most of the day away. I got up at 8am after going to bed at 9pm last night, then went back to bed at 2pm. I got up at 5:30pm and went to get my mom so we could go to the gym. The gym was closed (why on earth do they close at 6pm?) so we decided to walk around her neighborhood.

I'm so glad we did because I was able to climb out of my own situation and hear her feelings on what she's going through. I am so impressed with her positive outlook and her concrete knowledge that she is going to live. She is convinced that she is going to beat this and that she's going to come out of the chemotherapy just that much stronger emotionally. On that mile walk I felt like I was getting a look into my mother's soul and I felt like I was hearing a lesson that I needed to hear.

I am so glad that she's coming to Church with me regularly and I think I may even get to convince her to take a class when she finishes with the surgery and chemo/radiation. I know that the philosophy they teach is helping her through this journey and I am so grateful that I could help lead her to where she needed to be. What a blessing for a daughter to help their mother grow spiritually! I think of how many times my mom helped me learn, helped me to grow, and for me to be able to turn around and help her is a gift greater than I ever could have imagined.  

I am so tired of this happening. I feel a glimmer of hope, only to have it squashed down into the dirt.

My HCG is seven, which means that it's a chemical pregnancy. The only hope I have now is that it isn't ectopic again, so I go Monday for another draw. Great. More experience with being a pin cushion for a devastating outcome...

I just called and left a message for my OB/GYN today. I am getting sick of chemical pregnancies! I had one last month and, as I just found out an hour ago, another one today. I don't understand what my body is doing so I called their message line to ask if they consider chemical pregnancies or not when making determinations regarding blood work and such. 

WTF?

It's amazing the way a child's illness can cut you to the very bone. The fear is instantaneous, the heart-wrenching ache of seeing them in such agony an all consuming emotion.

We took Ian to Urgent Care today when I got home from Church. Sean left to go somewhere and I took Ian's temperature to find it was 104.2. I, of course, panicked and called him but he didn't answer the phone. I rushed around getting dressed and then called my Mom to see if they could go and find Sean to tell him what was happening. While they were on their way up there, Sean called here and I filled him in. He told me to get the car started and he'd be home in ten minutes.

Ian has the flu. They did the nose swab and it came back positive, so now I'm on preventative medication as are my parents since they watched him last night. It would be extremely costly for my Mom to get sick right now so she called her PCP right away for a prescription. Ian's on flu medication as well as four hour asthma treatments. We were told to monitor him closely because of his asthma; the flu is very dangerous for kids like him.

When we got home Ian asked to go to bed. I took his temperature again and it was 105.2! I about had a heart attack because I've never seen a fever so high! Sean called Urgent Care back and we were instructed to give him the Tylenol/Motrin trade off every 3 hours. So, I guess I'll be up all night checking on him because we have danger signals we need to look out for. As it is, it's only gone down to 104.5 with the Tylenol...

I wish I could change places with him.