I just had the most amazing thing happen. It's amazing, only because of the timing that it occurred.

Apparently, once again, people cannot separate themselves enough from their own worlds to see that not everything that occurs is a direct result of them, or has anything to do with them at all. Sometimes things happen in peoples lives that are theirs alone to bear, but by putting in down on 'paper' I guess it becomes something that is immediately internalized by the people who read it.

This is one of those times in life that I consider 'turmoil'. We all have these stretches of time when we feel out of control and don't really have a direction to turn; it's just the way life is. For this one moment in my life I have decided not to be the victim and make changes that I have to make for me. For my future and the future of my family.

Since there seems to be some confusion about my life right now I figured I should lay it out here: I might have cancer. I might have cancer that's been manifesting since 2005. I may have to plan for what is going to happen to my son in the event that I can't be here any more. I have no job and no prospect for one despite the numerous phone interviews and resumes sent out, and I doubt that I'll find anything if I do end up being farther along with the disease then then think. My son is constantly ill and there are issues with his respiratory tract now. He has to go in for testing in the weeks to come, so I'm going to have to juggle that along with my own testing. God only knows what the next few months will bring.

The "Good-Bye's" I was talking about earlier was in reference to a group of Mom's that I know. I may have to back out because, obviously, I can't commit to a social group right now. There is no way that I can fulfill my role in a group like that when I have to focus so much on my family and their future.

I don't know how much clearer I can be that my life is rotating around me right now, not anyone else. I am hurt and angry and scared and confused, and I have no time to think about who's feelings may be hurt because of this. I have to trust that my friends know who they are and that they know me enough to know that my love for them isn't made up of tiny pieces of events, but rather by the whole picture that the past, present, and future makes.

I am happy to say that I have a wonderful strong family. I have a fantastic immediate and extended family, which is more than most people have. The number of friends I thought I had is significantly lower than I had imagined, though. That's OK with me because sometimes it takes an event like this to show who wants to be there through the bad times and the good times. It's something important for us to know and only serves us well in the long run, but it's still a slap in the face when it happens. People's true natures come out and some of it is shocking in both good and bad ways. I am constantly surprised by people and their nature and I only hope that I have the time to continue learning about what makes people who they are.