Inner Ramblings

Ending?

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:03:30 -0500

I'm sad in a way that's unfamiliar to me.

I got some news yesterday that has me in shock still, and unfortunately there's no one that I can go to for any answers. I'm hoping that on Sunday I may have a vague idea about what's going to happen from here on out, but I can't be sure of that. I have absolutely no way to go about unraveling what happened, and I am completely, 100% unable to change what's happened/is happening.

The sadness is different from anything I've felt because it affects a part of me that hasn't ever been touched by loss. I'm not even sure what to do for myself (and the rest!) because I have no one close to me who shares this part of my life. There's only 1 person who I can eventually talk to, but I can't say anything until I'm sure she knows... It's heartbreaking to be losing something that's become such a big part of my life.

Recharge and Refresh

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:43:32 -0500

Yesterday was an amazing day. I spent the morning with the kids and Sean, and then at 12pm it was MY day. Sean handed me $20 and told me to "go have a cup of coffee on me!" So, I went to Borders for the afternoon while he took the kids to a birthday party. (Why didn't I go? It was for the kids of the girl I would rather pretend is not on the planet with me so he offered to take them himself. I could have been a "bigger person" and gone, but the fact of the matter is that I've decided it's okay to do what's right for me vs. what etiquette tells me to do! I'm done with trying to be polite and take shit from people when I don't deserve it.)

Anyway, I went to the book store and wandered through the spirituality and religion sections to see what they had. I was annoyed at first because they have Science of the Mind and things like Eckhart Tolle in the Metaphysics section (?) and their sections on non-Western religion was pretty sparce, but I managed to come away with a collection I've wanted for a while, and another book that I've seen over 5 times now so I bought it for no other reason then I figured there was a reason I've seen it so much!

From there I picked up a Pure Inspiration Magazine, a peppermint mocha coffee, and spent the next 2 hours reading through that, making notes, and thinking. I found a lot of great quotes, had some ideas, and felt completely refreshed and inspired again.

From there I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I picked up some Christmas presents for Ian's teacher and for Sean, plus got the replacement steamer to replace the one that I melted on Friday night. Then I called my Mom and we went for a lazy lunch at Ballyhoo Grill. I had a yummy Oyster Po'Boy and a few beers, and then we went to Tuesday Morning where I completed my Christmas shopping for the kids.

I came home around 5:30pm, hung out with the kids while Sean picked up Sushi, then it was time for us to eat and watch a movie.

It was a great day! Other than Ian's strange 102 fever at midnight, it was probably one of the best days I've had in a long time... for my spiritual self anyway ;-)

Open Eyes

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:53:30 -0400

I still am amazed by life and it's circumstances. It seems like no matter what happens, every time I turn around there is some wonderful, amazing thing that occurs out of even the worst situations. I'd like to think that it's in part in response to my desire to see the good, but I don't think I have much to do with it really, LOL!

Today after court I started talking to my boss and the new staff member our team has. We started discussing my garden, organic foods, hydroponics, and from there we somehow got on the subject of spirits. As we got deeper into the subject I started realizing that this other person has a lot of similar feelings and views on things that I do. She started talking about Churches and metaphysics, and I slowly broached the subject of Science of the Mind to see what kind of response I got. It was amazing! Not only does she believe in the philosophy of Science of the Mind, but she actually has attended my Church! Not only that; she regularly attends a metaphysical Church which is not 5 minutes from my house!! It's a place called The Soul Mirror , and I had been looking at that very place to do some meditation classes but they didn't have a time that fit my schedule. Apparently they now have a Church session, so I was invited to tag along with her when she goes, and she wants to come with me to The Tampa Bay Church. She's actually studying to become a minister (she's on her first class), and it's making me do some thinking about what I want out of my spiritual life as well.

It's funny how the phrase "God (i.e. the Universe) never closes one door without opening another" keeps running through my head... I've been feeling so spiritually lost lately because there's no one to hold any discussions with about what I'm reading and learning and feeling, and here is a person who is in the middle of a place I was desperate to avoid who holds what I find near and dear to my soul right in her own. If that isn't two worlds crashing together to prove a point, I don't know what is!

In Preperation

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:03:15 -0500

Ian and I went to the park with the whole family today. Sean ended up closing the shop early so, when we got back home, we decided to clean out the house. So far we've gotten rid of 8 trash bags full of stuff, taken some things to my mother's, and donated a bunch of other stuff. It feels G-R-E-A-T!

I have my burning bowl ceremony tonight and I'm excited about that. I'll be going alone, but that's fine with me. I'll be meditating and 'cleansing' for an hour and I couldn't be more happy with my plans for the evening.

I have found that a few things I've come across are hard for me to let go of. Hopefully after tonight I can come home and throw out the final 'evils' of the past year.

Sunrise

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:00:39 -0400

I’m sitting outside watching the morning break through the clouds. Just like my life, there is an amazing contradiction between the rain in the west and the brightness in the east.

It’s actually raining on the house. In fact, I’m sitting on the porch listening to the water fall from the roof, yet I’m watching the clear blue sky open up in front of me. The gentle awareness of dawn has brought hints of pink to the clouds ahead, and the birds have started their morning chorus. It’s quite amazing, really, to watch a beautiful sunrise and hear the beginnings of a world waking up, yet still watch raindrops fall and listen to that melody as well.

In celebration of today I’m going to Church. I’ve felt this gnawing need this week and, seeing as I was given such a blatant sign this morning, I think I ought to honor that and make the drive. I need some answers to some major questions, and even though I think I know what direction I want to take, I could use some Spiritual guidance and the familiarity of my Faith.

Random...

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:34:46 -0400

or not.

I've been sitting here for an hour working on my Declaration for my final Church class. I've been dragging my feet for two weeks, so today I decided to sit and get it done seeing as it's due tomorrow.

I got in a grove; it doesn't have to be a big paragraph or anything so I decided to start a poem:

God Is….

A guiding light burning bright,

Quiet strength leading me to what is right.

My son’s smile and deep brown eyes,

Emotions and feelings that taught me how to sympathize.

An outstretched hand at a fork in the road,

A constant companion that keeps my soul from growing cold.

Sunrise

and

Sunset

All the beautiful spirits I’m blessed to have met.

My fearless guide

My ever present love

A faith in life I’ll never be void of.

So, ok, it's cheesy, but I plan to revise it after I walk away for a bit. Anyway, back to the point: As I finished typing this and swear-to-God put the last period in place, the doorbell rang. It was a door-to-door solicitor so I contemplated not answering but then decided to because, well, he saw me, LOL! Strangely enough, he was a kid selling books about the Bible and how scripture relates to history and current issues! Since I'm reading the Bible right now and trying to figure some things out, I found this wildly exciting. Not only that, but they had a children's book which will be great for answering Ian's every growing questions about the Church and God. Of course I snatched them up because 1) the timing was just amazing, and 2) since I love to learn, why the heck not!

Wonderous Weekend

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:54:20 -0400

This has been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I've been so tired lately that all I've done is sleep, but this weekend has been action packed!

Friday night I went to a special Good Friday service with my friend. It was a fantastic hour filled with meditation, lessons, scripture, and prayer. I left there feeling as if I could tackle the world, like nothing could stand my way! I feel so rejuvenated and alive when ever I leave Church it's amazing... Anyway, after that we went to Olive Garden for dinner where we talked, laughed, and caught up with each others lives. I can't believe how much I've missed hanging out with her, but yet it also feels how no time at all has passed.

Saturday we (Ian and I) got up early and had breakfast together. From there we went to the Park to stake out some space for the annual Easter Party my mom's group does. It was so much fun! There wasn't a big turn out so the atmosphere was relaxed, and the kids played on the playground, in the sand, and kicked a ball around. We were there for hours and it felt as if no time passed at all before we were packing it up on account of the rain.

After the party we went home and took a nap, and then we went down to Pinellas with Sean to eat at our favorite place, Quaker Steak and Lube. It wasn't quite the same without the beer, but it was still good!

Today Ian got up early and searched for all of the eggs the Easter Bunny left for him. He then went through his basket, and after that he and I sat around and did some Easter crafts together. Then I took him to my MILs house and I went to Easter Service which was, of course, amazing. Ian had a great time at his Mimi's house too- he caught his first fish! On our way home I went to Publix to buy beans for my green bean casserole, but I found out all Publix stores are closed on Easter. So, I had to go to another grocery store which, I swear, had every single person who did not speak English in it, and then we came home. I threw together the casserole, took a shower, and Ian and I headed over to my brother and SILs house for Easter dinner.

What a great night! Sean showed up right as were were getting ready to eat, and so did my Mom and Dad! My Mom looks wonderful; you'd never even know that she had surgery. She moves around well, is in great spirits, is even able to interact with the kids... She is amazing!

Now we're home and winding down for the night. I'm getting everything ready for the week ahead and am going to start working on my last class assignment. I also have to practice voice (I haven't done that in a long time!) for my lesson on Tuesday, and I have a few other things that need doing.

Today was really amazing. I spent a lot of time thinking about Rev. Nikki's words today... When I get a firm grasp on it I'll write about it, but not now.

Truth

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 19:42:06 -0400

Tomorrow is my Mom's appointment with the oncologist. She got her pile of films from St. Joseph's today and is ready to meet the masses tomorrow.

Every night I do a treatment for myself with the same purpose, but I think it's time to do some treatment work for my Mom. I've put her name in the prayer box at church so they'll be doing team treatments for her at the Church in San Diego for a full 30 days, but I think I could do some good for her as well. So far almost all of the treatment work I've done has had positive results (I started small, LOL!), so now it's time for me to spread my wings and try to tackle bigger things.

This is a big week for my family. A lot of our future's are going to change, for better or worse, by the end of this week. I'm trying to remain calm and positive because I know worrying won't help, and I do have pure Faith in my heart. It's a start.

I'm amazed by the people who have reached out for me during all of this, just as I am amazed by the people who didn't. I am continuing the promise I made to myself to not speak badly of people, to not create negative energy and outcomes by words and thoughts, but sometimes it's hard. There are times when I want to see people suffer and ache, but then I remind myself that it is not my job to change the path of people's lives, nor do I want to give people the power to affect my life and happiness. People will get what's due in good time, and not before. I can, however, hope that I can be around to see it!

Love of Many

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:36:34 -0500

Tonight I am going out with my family and hopefully will be meeting up with some friends later on. I was supposed to go out last night but I just wasn't up for it, but tonight is different.

I did a lot of thinking last night and today and I feel secure in what I'm doing and feeling. I spent a while thinking of my family and friends, faith and God, the Universe, energy, and all the things that make me whole. I realized some things and I am calm again.

I did something else today that I should have done a long time ago but it never occurred to me to do. I don't know why; maybe I wasn't ready before this step in my journey yet? It lay itself all out before me not 3 minutes ago and, instead of erasing, I removed. It was just that easy!

Living

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:20:21 -0500

Our new couch came! I'm so excited and it looks great! It's the same size as the one that we're getting rid of, but for some reason my living room looks a lot bigger. Maybe it's getting rid of the stupid coffee table we had?

I ended up having to move my old couch out of the house by myself! What a chore that ended up being- but on the good side I got my arm exercises done for the day, LOL! I managed to twist that stupid thing through the dining room doorway, through the dining room without killing the ceiling fan, fireplace, or Grandfather clock, out the french doors and across the patio, and then into the carport. WooHoo! It only took about 20 minutes. Now I want to set up the coffee table but Sean, after bitching at me for taking the couch outside (what, am I fragile or something?), told me that I shouldn't put it together. Whatever. He'll be home tonight with Ian (school called and he vomited so I went to get him) so he'll have plenty of time to hang out with his tools.

I was seriously unmotivated to do my work for class but I'm feeling more into it now. I think the fact that I'm behind on my Valentine's Day soap was pressing on me, but I finished two batches. The craft fair is Saturday so I still have some (gulp!) time left to finish up. I'm not expecting a big rush on them anyway so I should be fine with 4 batches.

I've been thinking a lot about my new job and I am so calm I'm almost nervous! I was talking to my friend Kim today and I was finally able to put it in to words: I feel faith. I know that sounds pretty straight forward and easy, and it is. I've always spoken about faith, how I wanted to have it and were to find it, but this year (so far) has been amazing. I truly feel it in my very soul, like a constant pressure within my heart. I am never without it and, although I may lose sight of it at times, I know just where to go to pull it out again.

I am so lucky. I am so lucky to have the friends I have, the family I do, the knowledge I've been given, and the happiness that is mine every day.

I am content with my life and I am content with myself in it. I am finally, finally happy.