I'm sad in a way that's unfamiliar to me.

 I got some news yesterday that has me in shock still, and unfortunately there's no one that I can go to for any answers. I'm hoping that on Sunday I may have a vague idea about what's going to happen from here on out, but I can't be sure of that. I have absolutely no way to go about unraveling what happened, and I am completely, 100% unable to change what's happened/is happening.

The sadness is different from anything I've felt because it affects a part of me that hasn't ever been touched by loss. I'm not even sure what to do for myself (and the rest!) because I have no one close to me who shares this part of my life. There's only 1 person who I can eventually talk to, but I can't say anything until I'm sure she knows... It's heartbreaking to be losing something that's become such a big part of my life.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I spent the morning with the kids and Sean, and then at 12pm it was MY day. Sean handed me $20 and told me to "go have a cup of coffee on me!" So, I went to Borders for the afternoon while he took the kids to a birthday party. (Why didn't I go? It was for the kids of the girl I would rather pretend is not on the planet with me so he offered to take them himself. I could have been a "bigger person" and gone, but the fact of the matter is that I've decided it's okay to do what's right for me vs. what etiquette tells me to do! I'm done with trying to be polite and take shit from people when I don't deserve it.)

Anyway, I went to the book store and wandered through the spirituality and religion sections to see what they had. I was annoyed at first because they have Science of the Mind and things like Eckhart Tolle in the Metaphysics section (?) and their sections on non-Western religion was pretty sparce, but I managed to come away with a collection I've wanted for a while, and another book that I've seen over 5 times now so I bought it for no other reason then I figured there was a reason I've seen it so much!

From there I picked up a Pure Inspiration Magazine, a peppermint mocha coffee, and spent the next 2 hours reading through that, making notes, and thinking. I found a lot of great quotes, had some ideas, and felt completely refreshed and inspired again.

From there I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I picked up some Christmas presents for Ian's teacher and for Sean, plus got the replacement steamer to replace the one that I melted on Friday night. Then I called my Mom and we went for a lazy lunch at Ballyhoo Grill.  I had a yummy Oyster Po'Boy and a few beers, and then we went to Tuesday Morning where I completed my Christmas shopping for the kids.

I came home around 5:30pm, hung out with the kids while Sean picked up Sushi, then it was time for us to eat and watch a movie.

It was a great day! Other than Ian's strange 102 fever at midnight, it was probably one of the best days I've had in a long time... for my spiritual self anyway ;-)

I still am amazed by life and it's circumstances. It seems like no matter what happens, every time I turn around there is some wonderful, amazing thing that occurs out of even the worst situations. I'd like to think that it's in part in response to my desire to see the good, but I don't think I have much to do with it really, LOL!

Today after court I started talking to my boss and the new staff member our team has. We started discussing my garden, organic foods, hydroponics, and from there we somehow got on the subject of spirits. As we got deeper into the subject I started realizing that this other person has a lot of similar feelings and views on things that I do. She started talking about Churches and metaphysics, and I slowly broached the subject of Science of the Mind to see what kind of response I got. It was amazing! Not only does she believe in the philosophy of Science of the Mind, but she actually has attended my Church! Not only that; she regularly attends a metaphysical Church which is not 5 minutes from my house!! It's a place called The Soul Mirror , and I had been looking at that very place to do some meditation classes but they didn't have a time that fit my schedule. Apparently they now have a Church session, so I was invited to tag along with her when she goes, and she wants to come with me to The Tampa Bay Church. She's actually studying to become a minister (she's on her first class), and it's making me do some thinking about what I want out of my spiritual life as well.

It's funny how the phrase "God (i.e. the Universe) never closes one door without opening another" keeps running through my head... I've been feeling so spiritually lost lately because there's no one to hold any discussions with about what I'm reading and learning and feeling, and here is a person who is in the middle of a place I was desperate to avoid who holds what I find near and dear to my soul right in her own. If that isn't two worlds crashing together to prove a point, I don't know what is!

Ian and I went to the park with the whole family today. Sean ended up closing the shop early so, when we got back home, we decided to clean out the house. So far we've gotten rid of 8 trash bags full of stuff, taken some things to my mother's, and donated a bunch of other stuff. It feels G-R-E-A-T!

I have my burning bowl ceremony tonight and I'm excited about that. I'll be going alone, but that's fine with me. I'll be meditating and 'cleansing' for an hour and I couldn't be more happy with my plans for the evening.

I have found that a few things I've come across are hard for me to let go of. Hopefully after tonight I can come home and throw out the final 'evils' of the past year.

I’m sitting outside watching the morning break through the clouds. Just like my life, there is an amazing contradiction between the rain in the west and the brightness in the east.

 

It’s actually raining on the house. In fact, I’m sitting on the porch listening to the water fall from the roof, yet I’m watching the clear blue sky open up in front of me. The gentle awareness of dawn has brought hints of pink to the clouds ahead, and the birds have started their morning chorus. It’s quite amazing, really, to watch a beautiful sunrise and hear the beginnings of a world waking up, yet still watch raindrops fall and listen to that melody as well.

 

In celebration of today I’m going to Church. I’ve felt this gnawing need this week and, seeing as I was given such a blatant sign this morning, I think I ought to honor that and make the drive. I need some answers to some major questions, and even though I think I know what direction I want to take, I could use some Spiritual guidance and the familiarity of my Faith.