Inner Ramblings

Failure

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:49:50 -0400

I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the children I lost. Most days I'm OK, and on the days that I do think about what could have been I don't find myself getting depressed, but rather pensive about where my life would be if things had been successful.

Today was a little bit different though. My mom went to a new doctor and they discussed all of her health problems. The doctor was very familiar with the prothrombin gene mutation and asked if I had experienced any miscarriages, to which my mother said I had (of course). That got me thinking about the time-line of how things had played out, how guilty I feel about losing these children that didn't stand a chance because I didn't know what I had, about how much I adore my Roo and that she wouldn't exist if either of my other 2 pregnancies had gone to term which made me feel guilty for thinking about that at all... The strangest thing that I realized today, that I really thought about, is that I would have a 2-year-old in the house now, complete with their own personality and own little life, and yet becasue I have this mutation, that little soul never had the chance to enter this world and experience life.

That sucks.

Only 9 Days Left

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 21:12:53 -0400

I went to bed last night at 1am and got up at 7am. I took the dog on a mile walk, came back home and did laundry, cleaned the bedroom, and then went out to breakfast with my mom. We went to Church after that, and then we hit the Dollar Store for Halloween decorations.

Apparently that was a bit much for me. My back was killing me, and I couldn't stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. I ended up laying in bed, flipping from side to side, while Sean and Ian cleaned the kitchen and Ian's room. After about 3 hours I couldn't stand it any more, and I got up to clean the bathroom and dust the blinds. Obviously I didn't get to go the the Farm today as planned, but I found out that they are having a Fall Festival there on the 25th so I guess we'll go then.

I am trying everything to start labor, and I do mean everything. I know things are progressing, but they've been progressing for a while now and I'm ready! I tried to talk to Sean about some of the "changes" going on, but he got green around the gills and begged me to stop talking about it. Funny, coming from the man who wanted to assist if I had to get a C-Section!!!

Progress

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:25:46 -0400

I worked this morning and then had a doctor appointment. My mother watched Ian for me, and then I picked him up. We all went to lunch together and then to the store to buy Ian a Halloween movie. Since Hillsborough Schools were out I decided to treat him to a new Max and Ruby DVD.

Everything with Baby Girl is wonderful. We had a biophysical u/s today and she scored 8 out of 8 possible points, so I'd say she's perfect! She's about 7.07 pounds, in the 61% for weight, and she's measuring right on target for her 10/31 due date. Oh, and she's still a girl, LOL! There are no clots present in the placenta or umbilical cord so that's a wonderful thing too.

I'm doing OK too. I've lost some more weight but they aren't concerned. My B/P was 110/60, and I'm 1.5cm dilated and 50% effaced. Nothing great, but at least it's something. The doctor told me to call if I went into labor or if my water broke (duh), but he was quick to say that wasn't very likely to happen. So, looks like I'll make it to my induction date. Who would have thought?

This weekend is going to be busy. We're going to the Hydro Farm Saturday to see their pumpkin patch, then Saturday night we're going to hang out with some friends and possibly take the kids to a movie. Sunday is Church and another Halloween event for Ian, and then Sunday night we'll probably bar-b-que with the family. I'm looking forward to it!

Is It Time Yet?

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:47:33 -0400

This weekend was pretty great. Saturday we went to the Bagel Place for breakfast and then met my brother, his kids, and my parents at the Aquarium. We let the kids play in the water for two hours and then came back home for a nap. After that, we picked up my nephew and went to Lowry Park Zoo's Zoo Boo (that was fun, except for an altercation I got into with a staff member who wouldn't let me go back the way we came when Ian freaked out over a 12 foot tall growling monster). Sunday Sean raced and Ian and I got to hang out together for some quality time, then we went to my brother's pool for a few hours. That night a family friend watched Ian for our Anniversary and we went to dinner and to see Burn After Reading, which was your typical interesting, bad movie.

This week has been less than stellar. I'm the only one in the office so I've been the one responsible for keeping things in order. I've had a few fires to put out, and the worst one I have to deal with is something that I can't do because I'm not allowed to drive more than 20 minutes away from the hospital. *Sigh* Today was the first day I've actually used any sick time, and I was forced into it by my mother. I feel like garbage and she told me that my body may be trying to get me to slow down to prepare for Baby Girl's arrival.

Fine.

I've been trying to move things along a little bit, but nothing. Nada. Apparently the methods we used to keep her in utero are coming back to bite me in the ass! Trust me when I say that I am thrilled that I've made it full term, but I'm starting to get a bit uncomfortable. I am trying to keep up-beat about everything, but I really don't want to be induced!

My hormones are acting all wonky too. I get upset over some things that are not new situations but, for some reason, affect me more now. My feelings get hurt for no reason other than my mind getting in the way, and I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people who's support and offers for help are constantly pouring in. I'm falling behind in my studying and that makes me pissed off as well.... I'm not usually like this, so it's all new territory for me.

Blah.

NST Drama

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:28:08 -0400

Well, Bug just about gave me a heart attack. I got hooked up to the NST machine at my appointment today and her heart rate wouldn't go above 113. It stayed that way for over 15 minutes and, when Cindi (the high risk nurse) came in to show me how to administer the Heparin, she said, "Well, maybe I won't have to show you how to do the Heparin. Looks like we may be delivering you toady!" I drank juice, had candy... and nothing. No increase. I even had a contraction and there was no change in her heart rate. We talked about going to the hospital and, after about 5 minutes, Bug ended up giving me a quick kick and her heart rate accelerated to 145. Thank God!

So, all-in-all everything looks good. I've lost weight, my blood pressure is 110/60, and my GBS swab was negative.

The strangest thing though? I have an induction date! If Bug doesn't come on her own by the 25th I'm going to be induced. Isn't that amazing? Here we've been trying to keep her in, and now we're scheduling her to come out. How ironic! I hope it doesn't come to that, but who knows?...

35/36 Week Appointment

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:24:50 -0400

I went in today fully expecting my last Progesterone shot, but didn't get it. The doctor decided that I'm "close enough" to 36 week that I don't need it! They're switching me to Heparin now too so that I have a greater window of opportunity to get an epidural when I go into labor.

The NST went well. I had two contractions while hooked up, but they weren't anything significant. Bug did well, except for two times when her heart rate dropped to 60 and I about had a heart attack! My cervix is soft but closed, and everything else was great.

So... now it's "wait and see." I'm doing research to see how soon after someone doesn't get their P-17 shot is it that they go into labor now because I've heard differing things.

Kidlet Updates

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:18:06 -0400

We had Ian's first parent-teacher conference on Tuesday (a little early, no?). So far, so good!

The teacher adores Ian and says that a lot of the 'behavior issues' listed on the IEP don't seem to be causing any major problems within the class. He is integrating very well with the other kids and is even learning how to not be 'swept away' by the other behaviors some of the other kids exhibit... although today she did remark that he got annoyed with another kid for picking on him and he ended up hitting him. (Is it wrong that I'm not upset by that? I have always been afraid that he's such a soft soul that people would end up using him as a punching bag and he wouldn't say a word or fight back...). Anyway, they are working on his self-regulation, like leaning how to be a good loser at games, but the teacher did say that some of the difficultly may be due in part to his age as well as his sensory issues. I didn't want to point out that I am not a fan of losing at games and have been known to cry or give the winner the silent treatment in protest so it could be just a regular part of his personality... Or "learn by model"....

The most awesome news is that she is so impressed with him academically that they're going to have to go to a kindergarten class for a few hours every day! She says she feels he's a bit advanced for even what they know in kindergarten so they want to put him in the class so 1) he won't be bored where he is, and 2) see if his behavior is up to par with what they expect in the kindergarten setting.

I had my 33/34 week appointment today and everything seems to be going well. There are going to be some medication changes coming up which are going to suck because the new medication is only available a great distance away from me, which means I'll have to do some serious driving. I'll also be having the progesterone injections for 2 weeks past where they usually stop (34 weeks is the norm), so that means a few more long-ass needle shots for me. There is also some concern about early placental death so I have to go in next week for a long Non-Stress Test, which should give an indication as to what sort of affect my clotting disorder is having on Bug (if any).

I want to have ALL necessities for Bug by this weekend. I think I'm just about done other than two big ticket items that I'm going to have to wait on (it's all about the timing of the coupons, baby!)... If they're going to be forced to take her early for any reason, I'd like to be as ready as possible.

Coinsidence

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:00:07 -0400

I just realized that I had Ian at 33.5 weeks. I packed my hospital bag Tuesday night, my water ruptured at around 5pm Wednesday nigh,t and I had him at 10:48pm Thursday night. What I realized was that this Wednesday I'll be exactly 33.5 weeks!

Last night I went to Babies R Us to buy some bottles and stuff, and then I bought some stuff for my hospital bag. I hope it's just because the timing is good, not because I 'know something'...

Baby Bliss

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 19:52:37 -0400

I am so happy. I had a fantastic day! I had my shower and it was better than I could have imagined. It was small and intimate (which is how I like it. I don't like a ton of people around me), and very relaxed. We played some really cute games, ate more food than I thought possible, and laughed a lot. I really could not have asked for a better day.

I came home to a sick kid though. He was coughing a bit this morning, but I had a feeling it was going to turn in to something worse by tomorrow and I was right. His fever was 102 by the time I got home at 5pm so I gave him Tylenol, and now he's in my bed sleeping. I just hope I caught it in time...

I'll post pictures of the shower tomorrow when I'm not so tired!

Um, Why?

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:08:09 -0400

Why do people make comments about not being invited somewhere and then, when they are, make up excuses to not come? Why?

I invited someone to my shower this weekend because she's a family friend of my husbands; in actuality she's a best friend of my MIL. In all honesty I forgot about inviting her until I was on the phone with Sean and she made a comment about not receiving her invitation. Anyway, she agreed to pick up Sean at the airport at 12:30 with Ian because the shower is at 1pm, so I've been calling my MIL trying to set up a way for them to go together, thinking about waiting until she comes back from the airport and we all leave at the same time in separate cars so she can leave if she wants, and also giving my husband a lecture because he told me that he needed her to 'do something' for him in the afternoon so she couldn't come (which annoyed me that he would do that rather than have her come to my shower).

Well, tonight in the midst of our conversation I started saying that I spoke to my MIL and she's going to call this friend to discuss her coming, and he finally says, "She doesn't want to come, OK? She doesn't like those things at all and she doesn't want to come! This was the perfect way for me to get her out of it without hurting anyone's feelings, but I didn't realize everyone was going to keep on about it. She isn't going to go!"

OK then. It may be my hormones, but I can pretty much guarantee that she doesn't have to worry about being invited to anything any more.

The way I was raised, you go to events if they aren't your 'thing' if you care about the person involved just because you care about them. Last time I checked, things like that aren't about the you but about the person the event is for. I may be completely off base here, but I am ROYALLY pissed off about it!

Unfortunately, I'm the type of person who can hold a grudge for a long, long time, especially if my feelings are hurt. I may end up letting go, but I never, ever forget. Not ever. It's like the wedge holds a permanent place in my heart and I'll forever have it within close grasp. I know it only ends up hurting me in the end, but in a way I know that I'll be able to save myself from ever being hurt by the same people over and over again by keeping these events in the back of my mind.