I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the children I lost. Most days I'm OK, and on the days that I do think about what could have been I don't find myself getting depressed, but rather pensive about where my life would be if things had been successful.

Today was a little bit different though. My mom went to a new doctor and they discussed all of her health problems. The doctor was very familiar with the prothrombin gene mutation and asked if I had experienced any miscarriages, to which my mother said I had (of course). That got me thinking about the time-line of how things had played out, how guilty I feel about losing these children that didn't stand a chance because I didn't know what I had, about how much I adore my Roo and that she wouldn't exist if either of my other 2 pregnancies had gone to term which made me feel guilty for thinking about that at all... The strangest thing that I realized today, that I really thought about, is that I would have a 2-year-old in the house now, complete with their own personality and own little life, and yet becasue I have this mutation, that little soul never had the chance to enter this world and experience life.

That sucks.