I find myself getting nervous when I remember that I'm having a little girl. I keep thinking about clothes, raising her 'right', what on earth I'm going to do when the teenage years start to approach... I never thought I'd have a girl these past five years I've been raising Ian, so now I'm kind of dumbstruck.

I remember the turmoil of growing up very well. I know the things I did and I wonder every day how I managed to get this far in life without killing myself (no exaggerations on that, either). I think back to how mean the girls were to each other while growing up, how fast things changed socially, how broken my heart got year after year while dating... And look at what girls are doing to each other now! Ganging up on one and beating the crap out of her, having sex at 12 years old, being violent and nasty... Not to mention the fact that clothes and labels are so important to girl's and where they 'stand' socially!

I am terrified.

How am I going to keep it together in today's world? I know part of growing up means getting your feelings hurt and learning how to resolve conflict, but I can't even deal with it when some child takes the swing away from Ian on the playground! How on earth am I going to deal with all the girl drama? Even my niece, at 6 years old, lives a wild life with the ins and outs of social strife.

I think I am going to definitely need medication for the next 18 years.

I had an emergancy ultrasound today and I was able to find out what we're having. Take a guess before I reveal it tomorrow!

I've had some spotting since Friday. I wasn't too worried about it, but I called them today and 'my' nurse wanted me to come in because she said she doesn't like anything amiss that lasts over two days, LOL! So, when I went in for the u/s to see what was going on she asked me if I wanted to know what I was having. I said, "OK" (duh).

The bleeding is caused by a blood vessel between the cervix and placenta that's actively bleeding. The believe that the Lovonex is causing the bleeding to be 'more' than it would be otherwise. So, that's great news!

Ian is currently working on the Bowflex. He is, in his words, "getting strongly". He is lifting 20 pounds right now and he's so proud of himself! It's amazing to watch my four year old work out at the same weight I do!

The appointment today went well. It was quick, that's for sure! We heard the heart beat which the doctor said was "good and strong", they drew more blood, and then I got my BP and weight done. I've only gained 2 pounds total! And my BP was 120/65 which is high for me, but still OK for pregnancy. I asked her about my breathing; she said it's "normal" and that I need to watch my posture. Er, OK...

So, my next milestone is the 12th of June when I go for my "big" ultrasound and meet with the specialists to discuss my clotting disorder, dangers I may face during the labor, what I can and can't have for medication during delivery (gulp!). Sean's coming with me for this appointment and we're going to find out the gender. However; we aren't going to tell anyone until the birth! I think that'll be fun!!

I haven't been feeling well these past few days. My heartburn/nausea has returned at night, I'm tired and draggy, and I get dizzy. I've been able to work out almost every day (and by work out I mean use the Bowflex to do arms/legs, and on alternate days go to the gym and bike for 30 minutes) and that seems to help, but I hate feeling like dog doo.

Tonight was the worst. I didn't eat any breakfast this morning and didn't get lunch until around 2:30pm. I had picked up Ian early because I got out of work around 1pm and decided to head home after being in the jail, so we lay down to take a nap. I got up at 5pm feeling horrible, but went to the gym anyway. I decided to do just 25 minutes on the bike, and the moment I sat down my heartbeat registered at 130! I know there's a large margin of error both directions on those things, but I usually can't get my heart rate over 120 even at level 5, so this concerned me a little. I went to level 1 (from 2) and my heart rate stayed steady at 122-130. I did the full 25 minutes and left the gym feeling a bit woozy, but I'm better now after a shower.

I have an appointment on Thursday so I guess I'll bring it up then. I don't have an appointment with with Perinatalogist until the 12th of June so my regular OB will have to do!

The Doppler I have is my saving grace. I've been feeling somewhat "off" about this pregnancy, and being able to listen to the Baby's heartbeat any time I want has been a great sanity saver.

I can't figure out why I can't bond with this baby. When I was pregnant with Ian I spent all my free time reading about pregnancy, going on message boards, etc... With this pregnancy half the time I forget I'm even pregnant! Don't get me wrong; I'm excited about having another baby! I just can't fall in love right now.

I'm assuming that a lot of it has to do with the fact I'm trying to protect my heart. I know the truth now about what can happen, the heartbreak of losing a pregnancy, and the horrible reality that you aren't 'in the clear' until you're holding your precious baby in your arms. The ignorance of pregnancy is gone for me, so I am counting down the days, hours, minutes, until my baby is here and safe!

 

Weeks Remaining:		25
Weeks Completed:		15
You are in your SECOND trimester
Days Remaining:		176
Days Completed:		104
Astrology Sign:		Scorpio
Chinese Sign:		Rat
Modern Birthstone:		Opal, Tourmaline
Mystical Birthstone:		Jasper
Ayurvedic Birthstone:		Opal
Hours Remaining:		4,224
Hours Completed:		2,496
Minutes Remaining:		253,440
Minutes Completed:		149,760
Seconds Remaining:		15,206,400
Seconds Completed:		8,985,600