I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the children I lost. Most days I'm OK, and on the days that I do think about what could have been I don't find myself getting depressed, but rather pensive about where my life would be if things had been successful.

Today was a little bit different though. My mom went to a new doctor and they discussed all of her health problems. The doctor was very familiar with the prothrombin gene mutation and asked if I had experienced any miscarriages, to which my mother said I had (of course). That got me thinking about the time-line of how things had played out, how guilty I feel about losing these children that didn't stand a chance because I didn't know what I had, about how much I adore my Roo and that she wouldn't exist if either of my other 2 pregnancies had gone to term which made me feel guilty for thinking about that at all... The strangest thing that I realized today, that I really thought about, is that I would have a 2-year-old in the house now, complete with their own personality and own little life, and yet becasue I have this mutation, that little soul never had the chance to enter this world and experience life.

That sucks.

I went to bed last night at 1am and got up at 7am. I took the dog on a mile walk, came back home and did laundry, cleaned the bedroom, and then went out to breakfast with my mom. We went to Church after that, and then we hit the Dollar Store for Halloween decorations.

Apparently that was a bit much for me. My back was killing me, and I couldn't stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. I ended up laying in bed, flipping from side to side, while Sean and Ian cleaned the kitchen and Ian's room. After about 3 hours I couldn't stand it any more, and I got up to clean the bathroom and dust the blinds. Obviously I didn't get to go the the Farm today as planned, but I found out that they are having a Fall Festival there on the 25th so I guess we'll go then.

I am trying everything to start labor, and I do mean everything. I know things are progressing, but they've been progressing for a while now and I'm ready! I tried to talk to Sean about some of the "changes" going on, but he got green around the gills and begged me to stop talking about it. Funny, coming from the man who wanted to assist if I had to get a C-Section!!!

I worked this morning and then had a doctor appointment. My mother watched Ian for me, and then I picked him up. We all went to lunch together and then to the store to buy Ian a Halloween movie. Since Hillsborough Schools were out I decided to treat him to a new Max and Ruby DVD.

Everything with Baby Girl is wonderful. We had a biophysical u/s today and she scored 8 out of 8 possible points, so I'd say she's perfect! She's about 7.07 pounds, in the 61% for weight, and she's measuring right on target for her 10/31 due date. Oh, and she's still a girl, LOL! There are no clots present in the placenta or umbilical cord so that's a wonderful thing too.

I'm doing OK too. I've lost some more weight but they aren't concerned. My B/P was 110/60, and I'm 1.5cm dilated and 50% effaced. Nothing great, but at least it's something. The doctor told me to call if I went into labor or if my water broke (duh), but he was quick to say that wasn't very likely to happen. So, looks like I'll make it to my induction date. Who would have thought?

This weekend is going to be busy. We're going to the Hydro Farm Saturday to see their pumpkin patch, then Saturday night we're going to hang out with some friends and possibly take the kids to a movie. Sunday is Church and another Halloween event for Ian, and then Sunday night we'll probably bar-b-que with the family. I'm looking forward to it!

This weekend was pretty great. Saturday we went to the Bagel Place for breakfast and then met my brother, his kids, and my parents at the Aquarium. We let the kids play in the water for two hours and then came back home for a nap. After that, we picked up my nephew and went to Lowry Park Zoo's Zoo Boo (that was fun, except for an altercation I got into with a staff member who wouldn't let me go back the way we came when Ian freaked out over a 12 foot tall growling monster). Sunday Sean raced and Ian and I got to hang out together for some quality time, then we went to my brother's pool for a few hours. That night a family friend watched Ian for our Anniversary and we went to dinner and to see Burn After Reading, which was your typical interesting, bad movie.

This week has been less than stellar. I'm the only one in the office so I've been the one responsible for keeping things in order. I've had a few fires to put out, and the worst one I have to deal with is something that I can't do because I'm not allowed to drive more than 20 minutes away from the hospital. *Sigh* Today was the first day I've actually used any sick time, and I was forced into it by my mother. I feel like garbage and she told me that my body may be trying to get me to slow down to prepare for Baby Girl's arrival.

Fine.

I've been trying to move things along a little bit, but nothing. Nada. Apparently the methods we used to keep her in utero are coming back to bite me in the ass! Trust me when I say that I am thrilled that I've made it full term, but I'm starting to get a bit uncomfortable. I am trying to keep up-beat about everything, but I really don't want to be induced!

My hormones are acting all wonky too. I get upset over some things that are not new situations but, for some reason, affect me more now. My feelings get hurt for no reason other than my mind getting in the way, and I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people who's support and offers for help are constantly pouring in. I'm falling behind in my studying and that makes me pissed off as well.... I'm not usually like this, so it's all new territory for me.

Blah.

Well, Bug just about gave me a heart attack. I got hooked up to the NST machine at my appointment today and her heart rate wouldn't go above 113. It stayed that way for over 15 minutes and, when Cindi (the high risk nurse) came in to show me how to administer the Heparin, she said, "Well, maybe I won't have to show you how to do the Heparin. Looks like we may be delivering you toady!" I drank juice, had candy... and nothing. No increase. I even had a contraction and there was no change in her heart rate. We talked about going to the hospital and, after about 5 minutes, Bug ended up giving me a quick kick and her heart rate accelerated to 145. Thank God!

So, all-in-all everything looks good. I've lost weight, my blood pressure is 110/60, and my GBS swab was negative.

The strangest thing though? I have an induction date! If Bug doesn't come on her own by the 25th I'm going to be induced. Isn't that amazing? Here we've been trying to keep her in, and now we're scheduling her to come out. How ironic! I hope it doesn't come to that, but who knows?...