Inner Ramblings

Letting Go

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:07:48 -0500

I spent about an hour today cleaning out my e-mail. I have things that I've saved since 2006, and a grand total of 130 emails that I have stored under different labels. This is not to mention the countless unread e-mails in my inbox.

It was interesting going through these things that represented so many different parts of my life. I found things written from people that I haven't seen for over 2 years. I read things that brought back memories from years ago, times that were fun but also turbulent. I got to look back at the person I was, the person I was trying to be, and I got to be reminded of the struggles I went through almost every day.

While I enjoyed the trip down memory lane, I decided that it was time to permanently shut the door on that part of my life. Though I am proud of the person I have become and I equally humbled by the trip I had to take to get here, it's time for me to move forward from that time. I've lost touch with a great many people who impacted my life, have had relationships that defined me and that I counted on with my whole heart disappear and leave me, for lack of a better word, stranded. However; through all of this I have been lucky enough to find new people to help light my way, found new relationships to lean on, and have even had a few people from a few lifetimes ago resurface and prove that sometimes life does come full circle.

So, I decided to let go. I will embrace the person I have become and will remember the important parts of the journey getting here, but for now I have to move forward without being held by the past. While the past has it's place in everyone's life, I don't think I need a written reminder. My memories, and my present, are enough.

Political Choice

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:43:14 -0400

I just submitted my request for an absentee ballot this morning. There is NO way I'm going to miss voting in this election!

Part of me can't wait until it's over and we can all start moving forward. I think I know who's going to win and I have a lot of fears about it (people don't seem to see the big picture, especially if the government is a majority rule), but I'd like to be able to start to 'plan' and adjust. That's the worst part of any situation, isn't it? The unknown?

Is It Time Yet?

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:47:33 -0400

This weekend was pretty great. Saturday we went to the Bagel Place for breakfast and then met my brother, his kids, and my parents at the Aquarium. We let the kids play in the water for two hours and then came back home for a nap. After that, we picked up my nephew and went to Lowry Park Zoo's Zoo Boo (that was fun, except for an altercation I got into with a staff member who wouldn't let me go back the way we came when Ian freaked out over a 12 foot tall growling monster). Sunday Sean raced and Ian and I got to hang out together for some quality time, then we went to my brother's pool for a few hours. That night a family friend watched Ian for our Anniversary and we went to dinner and to see Burn After Reading, which was your typical interesting, bad movie.

This week has been less than stellar. I'm the only one in the office so I've been the one responsible for keeping things in order. I've had a few fires to put out, and the worst one I have to deal with is something that I can't do because I'm not allowed to drive more than 20 minutes away from the hospital. *Sigh* Today was the first day I've actually used any sick time, and I was forced into it by my mother. I feel like garbage and she told me that my body may be trying to get me to slow down to prepare for Baby Girl's arrival.

Fine.

I've been trying to move things along a little bit, but nothing. Nada. Apparently the methods we used to keep her in utero are coming back to bite me in the ass! Trust me when I say that I am thrilled that I've made it full term, but I'm starting to get a bit uncomfortable. I am trying to keep up-beat about everything, but I really don't want to be induced!

My hormones are acting all wonky too. I get upset over some things that are not new situations but, for some reason, affect me more now. My feelings get hurt for no reason other than my mind getting in the way, and I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people who's support and offers for help are constantly pouring in. I'm falling behind in my studying and that makes me pissed off as well.... I'm not usually like this, so it's all new territory for me.

Blah.

Weekend Bliss

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:50:17 -0400

This weekend was awesome!

Saturday we spent shopping for Ian's party which ended up costing us about $300 (for just the food!) and visiting family. In the afternoon Sean worked in the Man Cave while I studied, and then we watched a movie. Sean went to bed and I p stayed awake with Ian until around 11pm, which then ended up with Ian climbing in to bed with me when I went in. Ian spent the night grinding his teeth and throwing his limbs all over me, so I gave up and got up this morning at 4:30am.

Sean and I had coffee until a family friend came over to ride with Sean to the park. I did laundry until Ian woke up, then the two of us headed to the park to set up for his party.

What a blast! We had about 20 adults and 12 kids so there was quite a crowd. There was a lot of eating, a lot of laughter, and some wonderful memories made. The kids had a blast playing on the playground and in the sand, and I had fish-type crafts for them to make (Ian chose a fish theme. What a surprise). Ian got tons of gifts, and I was proud of him for remembering to say his Thank-you's to people!

Honestly, we've had the best luck every year (er, except for the year we had to cancel because he was sick). The weather is always beautiful and we always have a great time... I am so blessed that so many people care about my son! Every year I am awed by the number of people that come to celebrate the day with us, and I find myself getting choked up when I look around and see the outpouring to love. It's days like this that my heart feels completely full and happy.

I have pictures to upload when my PC stops being a butt-head. Probably tomorrow!

What Debate?

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 12:56:56 -0400

I am so happy I watched the debate last night: it only increased my desire to vote Republican.

It's funny how people's views can change so drastically in such a short amount of time. Granted, the topics were focused on the war and on Russia, but I got an idea of how wishy-washy Obama is. I vaguely remember him stating that he was against the war and wanted to pull our troops out ASAP, but as of last night that view is altered quite a bit!

I am also impressed by McCain's voting record (something Obama doesn't have since he can't seem to find his way into session!), as well as his experience through the years. In a time when our Country is in such a precarious state, I am hoping that someone with strong political ties and knowledge of political endeavors is put in to office.

I'm terrified of what will be if someone with little experience is standing as our Commander and Chief...

New Jersey Breast Augmentation

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:20:40 -0400

I have a good friend from New Jersey (strangely enough she's from the same area my mom grew up in!) and I just spent about 30 minutes catching up with her. We discussed my pregnancy and stuff and I mentioned how Sean and I are in agreement that I can look into a breast lift when I'm finished breastfeeding Bug. I wanted to get one before but knew it would be stupid to do if I planned to breastfeed another child...

Anyway, my friend mentioned New Jersey breast augmentation that she's been looking into herself. I admit I'm jealous because she's about 10 steps ahead of me, but I swear it's something I'm going to do as soon as possible. I know the pros and cons, and I think it's something that will make me feel better about myself. I know my back won't hurt as much, that's for sure!

30 Weeks!

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:36:00 -0400

I had my 30 week OB appointment and weekly progesterone shot today. Everything looks good; I measure right on and Bug's heart rate sounds nice and strong. They were still concerned about my blood pressure after taking it today because it went up to 140/60 (I'm usually 104/50ish), so they had me do full labs to be sure nothing is amiss. When they took my BP after the labs it was down to 120/50, so that's headed in the right direction at least! The doctor wasn't too concerned because I have no other 'issues' in regards to high blood pressure, but they just want to be extra careful due to my history of pre-term labor.

I didn't want to see this particular doctor today because she is NOT my favorite, but she was much nicer today than I remember. I really liked how she referred to Bug by name and, when discussing the possibility of pre-eclampsia with me, she used Ian's name too. It made it much more personal.

I had told Sean that if she were the doctor on duty when I went in to labor I'd be keeping my legs crossed until her shift ended, but after today I don't think that will be necessary. So, as of now there is only one doctor that I really, really don't want to be the one to deliver Bug, and four that I really, really hope are there.

Big Boy

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:31:46 -0400

I cannot believe how proud I am of my son. He constantly surprises me!

We had a "Meet the Teacher" day last Thursday. Sean left work early and the three of us headed over to the Elementary School so that we could meet Ian's teacher and I could ask my long list of questions. I was nervous because of how badly Ian handled his last transition (granted he was about three years old then), and I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We were the first people there so Ian was able to take everything in slowly. It took all of about 30 seconds before he zeroed in on a little house they have set up in the corner, and he dove right in! From there he went to the kitchen center, and then he went over to draw a picture, leaving me to talk to the teachers. I got all of my questions answered (nap time, lunch, breakfast, rules, communication), and we hung out in the room for about 30 minutes after that. Ian showed off his skills and his teacher remarked that he seemed a bit advanced for the class, so she's going to work on giving him some more challenging things to do.

I left there feeling much better and we went out to dinner to celebrate!

Monday morning Sean and I took Ian together and I had that icky feeling in my stomach again. I just couldn't get over the fact that my little guy was ready to start "Big Boy school"! We parked in the lot with about 5,000 other shell-shocked parents and walked Ian to class. I held his hand so tightly I thought he'd complain, but he was so excited to be going to school he didn't seem to mind. He had his own backpack which he kept checking to be sure everything was still inside, and he kept asking about his cousins (two of them go to the same school as he does).

We got to his room and he was, once again, the first one there. He walked right in, put his backpack in his cubby, and headed to the kitchen center. I had to remind him to give me a kiss, and after that he was basically done with me, LOL!

Today went just as smoothly. He was the first one there and started talking to his teacher about the Manatees on the door and asking questions about the weather. He seems to be right at home and I feel like I'm going to burst with pride!

Anyone who knows my son knows about his behavior problems and his severe inability to handle change of any kind. He gets over-stimulated quickly and has a hard time dealing with chaos, as well as any disruption to what (or who) he knows. Seeing him this week has made me realize that he really is growing up and is learning how to deal with situations in a much more mature fashion.

I'm reminded of a few people who called themselves my 'friends' only to turn around and bash my son and my parenting skills to other people. If only they could see what a bright, confident, caring child my boy is... especially because I have heard that their children aren't so wonderful after all....

Perspective

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0400

I was having a really bad morning.

I'm discouraged with work, I checked our bank balance and we had less than $3.00 in our account, and the thing I'm trying to do in order to make our lives better is not without a huge risk and no guarantee that anything will come of it. Needless to say these past few days have been tough, but for some reason it was even worse (emotionally) for me today.

I dropped Ian off as usual and, on my way to the office, it started to pour. I began to feel really badly about everything so I decided not to work out of the office as usual; instead I came home and work from here. I got a lot done (more than I do at the office, admittedly) and decided to watch an episode of Without a Trace during my lunch break.

Holy crap, I can't stop crying. The show is one that I don't usually watch so I have no idea why I wanted to turn it on, but I'm glad I did. It was an episode about a young boy (middle school aged) who was thought to be kidnapped, but as they progressed in the investigation it turns out that he was considered a 'loser' and the 'popular' kids all ganged up on him, made him look like a fool, and then spread it around the school. The young boy was so distressed that he decided to kill himself rather than continue his life of embarrassment. The FBI ended up saving him at the last minute (he was hanging himself), and his parents arrived on scene at the end...

When does it all happen? When does it begin? Like they said in the show, "These kids have been friends since the second grade!" Yeah? Well now, not four years later, they're saying hateful things to each other, trying to make each others lives miserable... When does it change from loving and caring about everyone to judging? I think back to my own middle school years and can't pinpoint when my friendship with XXX changed from afternoons eating peanut- butter and jelly sandwiches at her house while we played with dolls, to her coming up to me and saying I was fat and ugly and me accepting it as fact.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to teach my children how much they are loved. I remember so well the pain of growing up, of feeling ugly and hated, of hating myself and wanting to die so I wouldn't hurt so much any more... My parents were some of the most loving, caring people on the earth and it still wasn't enough to keep the self-loathing at bay. What if my children face the same demons? What if they get trapped in the same cycle of distress and angst and not know how to get out? What if my loving them isn't enough? What happens if they're faced with that split second decision and they chose the calm that lies beyond, rather than make the choice to live and deal with the pain in order to see what their future holds because my love isn't strong enough to help guide and protect them?

On the flip side of that, how can we teach our children the importance of compassion? How can we show them that being strong in their convictions, even when faced with peer pressure and the possibility of ridicule, may mean the difference in someones life? Is there a way to assure them that life won't always be how it is "now" and that those decisions they make in those instances define who they are for the future? That the future is what they're aiming for, and not the 'now' their living in at the moment? Isn't this our duty as parents? How do we assure that we're doing what we can, and what can we do to make our words and opinions carry more weight than our children's friends?

This blog took an amazing turn. I was going to write about how I didn't care about any of the things that were bothering me before because I have the love of my family... Didn't quite turn out that way, did it?

Blind

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:31:49 -0400

Remember how I said I saw a sign in the fact the particular website I was looking at was down for maintenance? Well, there certainly was a sign, it was just a different one then I thought it was!

Duh. I guess it would help if I looked up the right website! *sigh*

I was thinking today that I should Google search and see if anyone had anything bad to say about the particular program, and there was the website plain as day.

So.... Does the sign just say "Stupid", or something more?