Inner Ramblings

Birthday Plans

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 11:05:12 -0400

This year we are doing something different for Ian's 8th birthday party. Every year we've rented a pavilion at the park and had a huge BBQ, crafts, a bounce house, games, gift bags for the kids... and we are NOT doing it this year. I've had enough planning, getting nervous, being upset that people don't show up, listening to Ian's broken heart year after year. So, we're going to have a low-key party here at the house with family and one friend of his whom he has known for 6 years.

Okay, truth be told I'd probably do the park again, except for the fact that with all the evaluations, new medication that he's going to start, and getting hearing aids, I think that's enough excitement for him to process. We don't know how he's going to respond to any of the above, so I'd rather not push him. Plus, as long as he's fine with having a party with family only, then so be it!

Summer Fun

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 08:00:57 -0400

This summer has been amazing. So much has happened, the best of which is the amount of time I've been able to spend with the kids and the things we've done! (If you're curious, I have another blog Adventures of Home Life with pictures and such).

Even though money has been a huge struggle and there have been some major stressors involved with my leaving the full-time job I had to work part-time from home, I honestly feel like this was the best thing I have ever done. Being here for my kids has been such an amazing experience, and I actually feel like I'm active in raising them versus feeling guilty for paying someone else to be around more than I was. Don't get me wrong; I fully support working moms and think they are amazing (I was one up until a year ago, don't forget), and when Ian was in daycare I wouldn't have had it any other way. He loved it, and I needed to work, so the fit was right for us at that time. I felt guilt, sure, but I know without a doubt that the environment he was in was the best for him. But, things have changed, and my need to be home for both of my kids for different reasons has evolved with my desire to be home with them, so living with the 'stress' of wondering if we are going to make our next electrical payment is a small price to pay

Things will change when Reilly goes to preschool too, and that's the beauty of my job; I can work however much I want, so there's no need to feel 'stuck' making what I make. Sure the pay rate itself stinks, but what I get in return is payment enough!

Waving Good-bye

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 08:14:39 -0400

When I moved here 10 years ago, I did it to escape. I was very self destructive when I lived up north; if I had been better educated about depression I would have been medicated, but not knowing, I did what a lot of people did and turned to substances as a means to "self medicate." Moving to the south was a chance for me to start over, a chance to start a new life for myself and create it the way I wanted. (Granted, I was a fool for bringing some of that self destructive with me, but that's another story).

My father moved down here not long after I did. We had a family company down here, and he needed to come down and streamline some things. Once here, he never left. My mom lived up north for another year, then she came down as well. Only a few years later was when my brother and sister-in-law decided to move down with their family, and it was so amazing to be in a place I loved with all the people I loved!

Now with my brother leaving, I feel like half of my heart is being ripped away from me. I can't even put into words how much it hurts to know that they're going to be 1300 miles away and that seeing each other is going to be a major event rather than a split-second decision... The kids are going to change so much, and their lives are going to be constantly changing, and I'll be just "that aunt" from Florida.

Two more days and then they will be gone...

Scales

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 08:09:38 -0400

I am getting so frustrated with the whole "school issue." Everyone seems to have an opinion, but no on really has a say in what should be done, if you get what I mean. I know it's ultimately my decision, but Sean has say too, and I know what he wants to do. My mother very clearly has an opinion, but the thing is, this is a huge deal for me. This is his education, and I don't want to make any mistakes. He's had such a rough start, the last thing I want to do is mess everything up.

He didn't test in to AGP (kinda pisses me off that no one has bothered to say anything to us!), so we're back to where he's going be sitting off to the side doing 'different' work than the other kids because he's grasped the concepts earlier than the others. It hasn't bothered him yet, but it will. I know it will.

We were told by his teacher that she's moving to second grade next year and is taking the whole class with her, if the students want to go. I'd love that, which is another reason why I don't want to move him to a new school... if we move him and we end up not liking the school and move him back, who's to say we'd get a great teacher for him then?

Sonofabitch!

I have a meeting with the principal this afternoon, so we'll see where our heads are at after that.

Flip Flop

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 11 May 2011 08:38:58 -0400

My brain is in overdrive lately. We have an "opportunity," and I just don't know what to do.

My brother and his family are leaving the state and moving back up north. He has a 2-story home with a pool in a community that I want to live in very badly. My parents would be a few houses away, and the size of the house would give us about double of what we have now. There are some downsides, such as it needs work (um, but so does mine so that really doesn't count), the neighbors on one side leave a bit to be desired, there is an HOA that can be a pain in the butt, and it would cost a lot more money to heat/cool and take care of the pool.

In a perfect world we could swap houses, because my parents paid off the mortgages for both and "own" them both. We could sell the one we live in now, pay off what we owe my parents (with maybe a little left over depending on how much we could get for this one), and then take over the other house. HOWEVER, my brother did something pretty stupid, and he needs to own the house and get income for about 2 years. Not a big deal, except then he wants to literally sell the house after that. If we moved in once they leave we could do it for a pretty low cost (my parents are willing to forgive payment until he "fixes" what he did), but then what? If we didn't have the money he wants for the house, we would have nothing. No house to go back to, no money to put down on something else... There is no option of "renting to own" since my brother is all about profit, so we'd be paying real rent, not a lease-to-own.

If only I had a crystal ball. I'd love to have the house because it is almost exactly what I want, but I'd hate to be screwed in the end.

Mistake

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 08:27:48 -0500

I think it's time to admit that I've done some very, very wrong things in raising my son. For the longest time I thought I was doing the right things by him, but it's becoming very clear that I've screwed up somewhere.

I have spent the majority of his life standing between Sean and Ian. They are so similar, and I've felt that Sean is too hard on him, expected to much, etc. Our biggest fights have been about our son, and I've never, ever backed down when I felt I was fighting for Ian's behalf. BUT, in doing so, I'm afraid that I've created a selfish, self centered, nasty little creature. He's rude, sarcastic, and just plain mean half the time, and this morning I realized that he basically runs the house. At 7, he dictates the mood of the house, and I just can't take it anymore! I have inadvertently given him all the power, and it isn't healthy for any of us.

I have to wonder when it changed. I used to be so big into the discipline that I was complimented by people about how I was so clear in my standards! There was even a time when I met my friends at the zoo and then left after 10 minutes because his behavior warranted it. I was always very consistent and I never "gave in" any time, and he responded to that well, even if at times it was really inconvenient for me and the people I was with. My thoughts were that I was trying to raise a child who would imprint the world in a good way, not to make peoples' lives easier!

Where on earth did it all go so wrong?!

Tonight he has a baseball game, but on Thursday we're sitting down together as a family and will discuss our expectations and the consequences. I can't live like this anymore.

Our Gnoming Game

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:55:19 -0500

In honor of the movie Gnomeo and Juliet which my husband and The Older saw last weekend and thought was great, I thought I'd mention a game we have going on at our house.

I'm not sure how it started, but I believe it was when The Older was sick. About a year ago, my parents bought a set of 3 garden gnomes from Big Lots. They came over when we were not here or busy doing something and placed them around the yard in strategic places. When The Older saw them, he declared they were "magic" and had adopted us as their family.

This has grown into a great adventure for us all! Since they came to our yard, we move them during the week so he believes they are "magically moving." We do it at night so he doesn't see, and if my parents are driving by they'll stop and move them so when we look outside (or come home from where ever we are), we see that they've changed positions once again! My parents will even pick up "friends" and drop them off in the yard as well, so The Older thinks that the gnomes are telling their friends about us!

The Older is at the age now where he's starting to question the reality of what's going on, but in his heart he loves the idea of the magic so much, he's keeping the game going. In fact, he even started leaving them water to drink, so now we empty out the water so he thinks they drank it during the night.

This is what met him outside the front door the other morning when he was ready to go to school:

As you can see, they've all been loved a lot, especially the one with half his hat missing. We can't get rid of him though, because it would break The Older's heart.

Santa Cruz Real Estate

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 15:40:37 -0500

My dad and I had a conversation on the way home from the beach yesterday, and I was surprised that he misses living by the water just as much as I do. There's something about being able to hear the ocean 24 hours a day that just gets into your soul I guess! I hadn't realized just how much I missed it until sitting in the thick of it yesterday.

So, today I have been playing around online because work is slow and Ian is home sick. I went looking at real estate around the country because, let's face it, I'm not picky about where I live. Plus, with my real estate license, I can pretty much more anywhere and do business! Anyway, I came across some information on Santa Cruz real estate that looks pretty promising! Looks like things are on the upswing for peoples' real estate in that area.

I dug even deeper (it's amazing I ever get off the computer considering how many links I follow!) and found an interesting article in regards to Federal funds. It's for a solar-financing program in Santa Cruz, and I think it's amazing. It's helping people do the right thing environmentally, and it's creating jobs for people who make these different products. Money is circulating!

Freddie Mac also had 5 interesting predictions for the housing market in 2011, which makes buying houses in Santa Cruz a good idea too. I'd love to get another house some day that our entire family could vacation too... Wonder if I could get my dad involved?

Soul Healing

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 09:15:44 -0500

After I picked Ian up from school, we all went to the beach. I've had this feeling of anger and depression circling for a few days, so I decided a change of scene would be good for me.

Boy, was it! The weather was perfect, and listening to the waves and the seagulls was just what my emotions needed. The kids had a ball collecting shells and playing in the surf, and I enjoyed watching all the people on the beach enjoying themselves. It was so nice to be in a place where everyone was relaxed and smiling, and I could feel the tension I've been living under ease further away with every passing moment. I allowed myself 3 full hours of just enjoying where I was and didn't allow myself to think of anything other than what was going on right then.

I came home a much happier person, and I think I'm going to incorporate bi-monthly beach therapy into my life!

Self

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 07:16:06 -0500

I have decided I'm taking a leave of some of the sites I visit regularly. I need some time to get my head (and my emotions) together, and I think not being as "involved" with people and their lives will make things a bit clearer for me. It may only last a few days, but it could be longer. If you need me, you know where to find me