In the course of one week I got a job, did arts and crafts with the kids every day, and got a chance to do Ian's sight words and math books with him. I got almost all the laundry done, and I even cleaned out a lot of my office room too so it looks more like and office and not a store-it-all-here room.

Friday began my formal training, and it's all done on-line. I had computer issues, and then I wasn't formally added into a chat room for official training, so I sat around almost all day wondering what was going on. I was freaking out a bit because it was like I was sitting on the edge of the very thing I have been dreaming of for 2 years, yet wasn't allowed to actually participate in it!

I got everything resolved though, so it looks like Monday will be the "real" day I start. I'm busy listening to all my training material again (there's a lot to learn on their system with regards to templates, software, and account specifics), and I'm making index cards to tape to my desk to help remind me of shortcuts on my first day.

Last night I went to see Eat Pray Love with a good friend of mine, and I wasn't too impressed. I think it was had to make a book like that "big screen" worthy, and a lot of the things I thought were important to the main characters self-discovery were either not put in the movie or were unable to be put in. I think that made the whole "experience" seem a lot less moving and amazing, yet I understand that they had to draw in "regular" people who aren't interested in the amazing outcome of mastering meditation or finding a piece of your soul you didn't even know existed. It was worth seeing though, and I plan to finish the book (I was re-reading it again before the movie came out but ran out of time), because this time around I'm getting even more out of it than the first time I read it.

There are times, like now, when I feel this overwhelming sense of panic overtake me. I may seem like I have it all together, but the fact of the matter is that I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm just as lost as the next guy.

I'm here alone watching TV. The kiddos are all snuggled into their beds, and I just went to check on them. As I was stroking Roo's cheek and whispering another Goodnight to her, I suddenly heard a voice plain as day saying, "What are you doing?!"  I began to get that tightening feeling in my chest and my feet got cold, and I thought to myself, "What ARE you doing?!"

Am I doing a disservice to my family again? Was leaving my job without another prospect a huge mistake? Am I putting the very people I love the most in an impossible situation? Did I fool myself into thinking that this dream I pursued was for my whole family yet was truly a selfish thing for myself?

I was feeling so brave and sure of myself! I was proud of having such trust in the Universe and amazed at the unwavering Faith I had that everything was going to work out and be the way it was supposed to be... However, maybe I was getting a bit too full of myself. Perhaps in reaching so far I managed to push everything away, rather than pull it all towards me...

So, I was on the phone yesterday with a good friend of mine. We were catching up on each other's lives, and she says, "While I was on vacation I was thinking how nice it was. Then I was thinking, 'I wish I could be like Jenn and stay home all day while my husband makes a lot of money.'" Erm, HUH? Seriously? I think she meant that she wished she could be at home with her daughter like I am and the husband comment was not at all tied in to her thoughts about my situation, but it got me thinking:

I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but to me this DOES matter. I have worked all my life; I haven't had a choice. Going to school for 2 years and completing this program was a huge leap of faith for me, and quitting without having something else lined up was an even bigger deal. I did this all ON MY OWN, and I certainly won't be sitting home on my butt doing nothing to contribute financially. I'm working 5 hours a day to find a job, apply for and test for positions, so it isn't like I'm just "playing" all day...

*sigh* I remember my thoughts awhile back about being as SAHM versus a Full Time Working Mom, and this one one of the very issues I had back then too...

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I ended up not being able to do much in the morning because I needed Sean to sign a check for deposit. After going to the bank it was almost time for Roo's nap, so we just played until around 11am and I put her to bed. I called DCF and left a message for the debt recovery guy, worked on some resumes and such, and then when Roo got up I realized I had missed the return call from DCF. Called him back, left a message, and fed Roo. He called during that, so I was able to discuss some things with him while she ate.

The short version is that, even though it was all their error and we would have kept our insurance for the kids the way it was except for them telling us we qualified, we still owe them everything. There is no longer the choice to "request for compromise" unless you are in collections, or in jail (no thanks). However, we do qualify for some benefits at this point (seriously this time. Really), so they'll reduce what we get by 10% to work towards repayment. As for the the health stuff, I was told: "They can't come after you for this. It cannot hurt your credit, so if you don't want to bother paying it, don't." Erm, neither Sean or I am comfortable with this idea. I think it's been proven that we're honest people (as proven by the very honesty that got us into this mess in the first place!), so we're going to attempt a deal for about $10 a month. Granted, we'll be paying until the end of time, but so what?

Since I felt great that I had dealt with this issue like a big girl, I decided to do some sidewalk painting with Roo. Man, I wish I had my camera with me while we did this! We had so much fun, and she actually cried when we were finished with the paint. We just sat on the driveway and "talked," and she would literally take my hand an put it in the paint if I stopped for even a second. It was a terrific bonding experience!

I cooked Grape Jelly Meatballs for dinner, and I even made my own chili sauce to simmer. Martha Stuart, watch out!

Today I am going to have to deal with the DCF "issue." I also am going to have to call and see if the hospital will reassume the debt so we can pay it off. I'm not sure how it happened, but the fact that Sean is paying the bills now and he missed a few payments (His thought is: "If I don't see a bill, I can't pay it." Why? Does it mean the debt has suddenly disappeared?!) pisses me off and he should be the one calling, but I have resigned myself to this being my "job" now. Sonofabitch, I hate calling and talking about money. I am not a deadbeat, but today seems to be a "I suck and let my debts slide and don't bother to repay people" kind of day.

First I'm going to cook my kids breakfast, then take Ian to camp. Then I'm going to make handmade sidewalk paint for Roo and hang out with her until nap time. THEN I will spend the rest of the afternoon cursing money.