I want to be done with school. Well, that isn't entirely true; I want to know what's going to happen when I graduate. I want to know if we're going to be able to make it without me working. I want to not feel guilty that I want so badly to make this change. I want to not have to worry. I want to feel like I'm supported in what I'm doing, and I don't want to keep freaking out when I think about making such a drastic change.

I am exhausted.

It's amazing how much power people hold over one another. I guess it fits with my philosophy that people are sensitive to each others energies, but it still shocks me every time my mood can be completely shifted by reading something, hearing something, or just being in the presence of someone.

Things have been going well, if not wonderfully. I've been so busy with family stuff that it's been great! I've had my Aunt and Uncle from Massachusetts in town, my nephews have had birthdays and we're celebrating tonight and tomorrow, we're spending the day tomorrow for "give a day, get a day" at the school, and Sean and I (and the kids, of course) have been spending a lot of time together hanging out. Work is going OK, I've gotten some stuff straightened out with the State.. And I'm almost done with school. One more month ought to do it!

I'm feeling unsettled though. I get this way every now and then; it's almost a paranoid kind of feeling. It's almost as if there's a wall between me and everyone else outside of my family, and I feel like I can't break it down. Usually it's okay because, in all honesty, I'm pretty sick of the external bullshit, but sometimes I wonder what's going on "out there" and if I did something to have people turn their backs on me. I'm used to it, but I hate feeling this way, especially when I keep so much to myself I know that I couldn't have done anything wrong.

I am so happy to be back from my business trip. I missed my family a lot, and I did a bunch of thinking while I was gone, so much so that even Sean mentioned I seem like a different person.

I am.

I came to the conclusion that I need to learn how to love unconditionally. I can't keep holding him (and other people in my life) to unmeasurable standards. It isn't fair, and the only people I hurt are myself and the people in my life. Maybe this is why I've been feeling as if I'm standing still when I so desperately want to move forward!

However, this also means that I am going to stop accepting anything less from the people around me as well. I don't deserve to be judged or treated badly any more than they do, so it stops now. I will not take it as a "character flaw" any more, and this goes for myself and for others' as well.

I have a few people in my life who I would trust with anything, and those are the people that I want to commit my friendship to. I am no longer going to engage myself into the political bullshit in my job in order to try and stay afloat, and I am no longer going to engage in emotional warfare in other areas of my life. It stops now, and maybe I can start to fix my own life instead of fixing other peoples' lives as a means to smoothing out my own.

First order of business is vacation this week, and following that will be catch-up with some friends of mine I miss very much. You know who you are!   A feel a beer (or two or three) are in order...