We're walking a very precarious line with Ian right now. We pulled him out of the after-school program, and wouldn't you know that for 2 days straight he had no behavior issues at school? He did have a problem on Thursday which warranted a visit from the guidance counselor, but I'm not sure what exactly that was all about. We have a conference with his teacher on Thursday, so I'm sure I'll get some answers then. I'm curious, because Ian said that they "played math games," and the women who spoke to him is the same woman who assesses for the "gifted" program, so I'm wondering if they're exploring all angles to his behavior.

Anyway, I've noticed a dramatic change! He's back to my sweet little man, and the very first day I told him he didn't have to go back to the program he lit up from the inside and couldn't stop saying "Thank you, Mommy! Thank you!" We've read books, played games, had nice family dinners again... I'm not sure if it's due to less stress, or if my response to him is different in some way, but it's pretty amazing. He still has his moments, but they seem more like "regular 6-year-old issues" versus something bigger and darker.

We've had a great weekend of family time. Friday we went to the mall for dinner and to get Roo some shoes and clothes, then I studied. Saturday Ian and Sean went to the movies so I could study while Roo napped, then they picked us up and we went to the bookstore. After that we came home and ate dinner together and played some games, then I got to study again. Since I made some good progress I took the day off today. We walked to the park at 8:30 am where we were the only people in sight, then we came home. Sean and Ian took off again, so I read/napped while Roo slept, and now she and I are having lunch and hanging out.

I can't wait until I can work from home. Being here for my family is such an amazing experience!

After a pretty fantastic weekend, everything came to a crashing halt yesterday. I got a call from the school, from a teacher who meets with the kindergarten class once a week, because Ian had an all-out tantrum. When faced with the decision to go back to class or to call me he chose to have the teacher call me, but then he refused to speak to me. In speaking with her the most poignant sentence was, "I raised three boys myself and I know boys and tantrums. However, this is something else entirely."

I cried at work. I locked myself in the file room and just sobbed.

I am not a crier; in fact I think I've cried in front of my husband twice since I've known him, and I've cried in front of my mother once. I am not a crier because I feel that it makes me seem weak (but I think it makes other people strong. How weird is that?), and I won't put myself "out there" for anyone. However, when I am really angry I cry... and apparently I cry when I am so scared and lost that my heart breaks.

I picked him up after school. He was embarrassed, but he was honest and told me the story, complete with the part about seeing the principal (who I'm sure was doing an "assessment" to see if the problems were stemming from home) and about the temper tantrum he threw prior to the one that warranted a phone call. I was in the middle of trying to get a time-line for the events when I noticed that he had on different pants then the ones I sent him to school in.

My son wet his pants on the playground.

Well, that was it for me. I have never, ever felt like I did at that moment. It was somewhat surreal in that everything became so clear, so necessary, but I also felt hollow and sick at the same time.

The short version is that he is no longer going to the after school program he was in. I have a therapist coming to see him on Wednesday afternoon, and I am going to be spending the next few weeks in a frantic search/quest for a new job, or a new way to do things, or begging for help. I have to find a way to make this work because I don't have an alternative. This is the way it has to be whether it kills me or not.

Ian did NOT have a good day yesterday. I have a master's level therapist, who's a very good friend of mine, coming by to see him next week. She's going to do some role play and some games with him to see if we can find a source for all of his anger. I'm a bit calmer about the situation now after getting another note from his teacher in response to a l-o-n-g letter I wrote to her, but I still find myself getting sick to my stomach at times. However, I know that whatever it is that's going on we'll face as a family, and we will get through it.

I'm hoping to get a lot done today. We have our new bed coming soon and I have a plan on how I want the room to look. We're getting rid of our bureau, mirror, and end tables. All I want in there is the bed, a free-standing one shelf table for the cable box, and an open back bookcase for my thousands of books. Our bedroom is so small that I need to get as much stuff out as possible, and that includes the iron headboard/foot-board. Takes up too much space.

It is stays nice and warm today (supposed to be in the 70s), I want to go to Busch Gardens along with my parents, SIL and her kids. I want to do something FUN!

Tonight it's study time. I have a goal which I'm not sure I'll meet, but I'm sure as hell going to try. I got my first extension notice, and I don't want too many more of those!

Yesterday served as a reminder for why I'm working so hard to be home with my kids and to do everything I can to make that goal a reality as soon as possible.

After a day of court hearings I was really looking forward to picking Ian up from school, hanging out together to do his homework before his concert, and then having some nice family time together.

Well. It started out with him saying, "I got a yellow today" when I picked him up from school. I opened his folder to find a note from his teacher that basically said that his behavior has declined the past 2 weeks and that she is very concerned. We have a conference scheduled with her to discuss everything, and she wanted to know if there was a change in his medication that could be causing the explosive episodes.

By the time we got home he had completely fallen apart. He reminded me of the days when he was 3 and had such a hard time with anger, something I thought was a distant memory for us all. He sat in his room screaming, throwing things, and saying such violent, angry things that he actually scared me. The worst was when he told me "I want to poke your eye out and hurt you!" and then he put his hand on my face. There was a lot of screaming (the kind of screaming when a person is so mad there aren't words to express it anymore), trying to slam the door on me...

I managed to stay firm while I was in his room, but when he finally calmed down enough for me to safely leave I stood in the laundry room and cried.

I just don't know what to do. I am very aware that he feels totally out of control about something, but I'm not sure if it's an event that caused this, or if he's feeling completely overwhelmed about everything in general, or if he's just being a terror because he really does have some sort of ADHD issue. I tried to get him to talk while we were working on his homework later, but kids are so cryptic that it's hard to find the truth they're eluding to. There were some things that were said that have me worried, but I don't know if it's because of what was actually said or what I'm reading into what I heard.

Again, nothing really new to report.

This week was kinda blah. I wasn't feeling excited about anything, really feeling like I was in a rut, but then I got sick on Thursday night so I know that was it. It's funny how getting sick really messes with my psyche. I always feel like such a waste of space and so useless, not to mention the fact that I get so behind in studying that I feel overwhelmed. I was looking forward to getting a lot done today because Sean and Ian are out for the day, but here I am sitting on the couch watching Blue's Clues.

Of course there is the part of me that is loving spending one-on-one time with my favorite little girl!