I have a very strange mental condition (on top of the one that's been clinically diagnosed, LOL!), and I'm working hard on changing it. It seems like I have a grasp on it but the very moment I relax and stop focusing on it, that's when it all falls apart.

Honestly, it's like a fear of success. In a strange way, when ever I get close to something that I want I find myself sabotaging it. Be it the medical transcription, the losing weight, the happiness I've been feeling being so spiritually connected, it seems that I go out of my way to find ways to stop the flow of everything. I've noticed it especially with my contentment in where I am and who I have in my life. I keep doing things that make me see the pieces I'm missing rather than the expansive goodness I have, and I keep almost looking for things to bring me down.  I think I might want to think about why I do that, because it doesn't get me anywhere but closer to where I started versus where I want be.

Sometimes I like to read my old journals to see how far I've come in my life. There is one particular journal I avoid though; the one that spans from 1998-2001. I call that time of my life "The Mark Years," and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. Today I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was cleaning out the bookcase, and now I am literally sick to my stomach.

In particular was the entry 10/30/00 which says, "... returns at 10:30pm, drunk, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him because of starting my new job tomorrow. He spends until about 2am yelling at me, calling me a c*nt and a whore, a piece of sh!t, I deserve to get AIDS, I'm a waste of skin..." I believe this is also the night that he pinned me up against the wall, ripped up my calendar and shoved pieces in my mouth, then threw the other pieces in my face... Of course that could have happened during one of the 'events' in September...

The thing of it is, no one knew. It all began much, much earlier than that of course, but no one knows the Truth of my life during that whole span time. I don't think I even know, because I spent so much time in a fog of depression and alcohol that I don't remember a lot of it. Even some of the things I I just read about I don't remember at all. All I know is that I lost a lot of friends because of it (including my very best friend from college) because I was sporting a lot of bruises, both mentally and physically, that I couldn't let anyone see. I missed a bridal shower, a birthday party, some really big life events for people I loved dearly because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of just about every aspect of my life. I guess it's happened to a lot of abused people, but I didn't really put myself into that kind of a category until very recently.

I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other.

Hmmm. Maybe the rest of this thinking belongs on my other blog. Seems a bit deep for my daily update space

Some days I feel useless, and then other days I feel like I really have my mojo on. Yesterday and today were mojo days for me, and I actually left work feeling pretty pleased with myself. I got a lot of nice things said about me, and it was by people I thought were clueless that I was even an employee there, LOL!

Had a nice night last night at dinner, then had another viewing of New Moon. Unfortunately when we left the theater they had closed off the rest of th mall, so we had to heft ourselfs alllllll the way round the outside of the mall, freezing, to get to our cars. That sucked! I also realized that I'm getting old because I can't see worth a damn driving in the dark, and I made a wrong turn and almost killed myself driving off the road. Perhaps I should get that checked or something?

I'm struggling with something right now. I completed something that will really help my family out if we're approved for, but I am having a really hard time hitting "send." It's a sort of pride thing, but not really. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much, but I have to get over it and do what I have to do for my family. I'm a big girl now, and it's time to start acting like it.

Sean and I had it out today. I am drained, but I do have a lot to think about. The problems were ones that I suspected, but I had to d-r-a-w them out of him tooth and nail, so I know that he knows they're unjust expectations. (I have tried to be super-wife, super-mom, super-employee, super-student, but I just cannot do it all and not feel overwhelmed, used, and resentful). My issues were the old song-and-dance with just about the same response I always get, but at least one of my demands were heard and will be dealt with: I no longer have to be responsible for the bills. YAY!!!!

Funny, because the comment I got was, "Are you sure? Because things will be very different if I take them over. We won't do stuff if we don't have the money to do it!" Seriously?   What the hell does he think I've been trying implement all the times I say, "No, we don't have the money for x,y,z."? I am so happy he's going to be responsible for the bottom line because he's going to see (finally!) that the bottom line is much lower than he thinks.