Things are moving along at warp speed. I cannot believe it's Halloween! Ian had to go with my parents and my brother and SIL trick-or-treating because Roo is sick. I have a feeling her throat infection is turning into bronchitis, which means I'll have 2 kids on asthma treatments. Yuck!

This week at work has been amazing. I can't go into any detail right now, but if things work out the way that I think they might, there may be a lot of changes ahead. My mind is a jumble of thoughts right now and they keep vacillating between good and bad. I'm trying to keep a positive mindset, but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I'm completely off base about the implications of what happened. Time will tell, and by mid-week I should have a better handle on where my path is going to take me. I'm truly hoping for something big but, again, I know I need to keep my feet on the ground until I know 100% either way.

There are so many things going on in my head that I can't believe I've gotten any studying done the past few days! I'm glad Sean's last night of work is tonight- maybe now I can stop fantasizing about the guy on the radio show that I listen to!

I still am amazed by life and it's circumstances. It seems like no matter what happens, every time I turn around there is some wonderful, amazing thing that occurs out of even the worst situations. I'd like to think that it's in part in response to my desire to see the good, but I don't think I have much to do with it really, LOL!

Today after court I started talking to my boss and the new staff member our team has. We started discussing my garden, organic foods, hydroponics, and from there we somehow got on the subject of spirits. As we got deeper into the subject I started realizing that this other person has a lot of similar feelings and views on things that I do. She started talking about Churches and metaphysics, and I slowly broached the subject of Science of the Mind to see what kind of response I got. It was amazing! Not only does she believe in the philosophy of Science of the Mind, but she actually has attended my Church! Not only that; she regularly attends a metaphysical Church which is not 5 minutes from my house!! It's a place called The Soul Mirror , and I had been looking at that very place to do some meditation classes but they didn't have a time that fit my schedule. Apparently they now have a Church session, so I was invited to tag along with her when she goes, and she wants to come with me to The Tampa Bay Church. She's actually studying to become a minister (she's on her first class), and it's making me do some thinking about what I want out of my spiritual life as well.

It's funny how the phrase "God (i.e. the Universe) never closes one door without opening another" keeps running through my head... I've been feeling so spiritually lost lately because there's no one to hold any discussions with about what I'm reading and learning and feeling, and here is a person who is in the middle of a place I was desperate to avoid who holds what I find near and dear to my soul right in her own. If that isn't two worlds crashing together to prove a point, I don't know what is!

Things are... good. I made a conscience decision to work with what I have, and the results were better than I anticipated. I'm not happy to be back at work, but I am able to see the good in what I have. I've chosen to not focus on the negative aspects of it all but to rather find the parts that make it good and make them even better!

I'm amazed at the calm I feel. Since I made the decision to focus on the good and cut out the negative completely, I feel so much better about things. Sure I worry, but in all honesty I find that just makes me crazy, LOL! When I start thinking something negative I mentally yell "STOP!" in my head, and I am able to switch my mindset to a more positive view.

I've made some decisions about the "extra" in my life as well. I can't believe how stupid I've been about some things, but it all stops now. I know where I need to go, who I need to lean on, and the fact that it's all so crystal clear in my mind has me almost giddy. There's nothing clouding my mind or my heart anymore; no more "what if", no more "what could have been", and no more, "I wish it was". There's no where to go but forward from this point on, and I'm so excited to begin my travels with less baggage!!!!

I don't know why I've been so concerned with the outside when I know very well that it all begins with the inside. How can I expect the outer parts of my life to conform to what I want and need when the inside of my mind is full of so much negativity? How can I expect people to live up to my expectations when I'm not even sure what those expectations are? It isn't fair to the people in my life who continue to shoulder my pain with me, and it isn't fair to me either. I need to give myself some time and exert some energy into finding out what's going on in my head before I allow myself to go into a tailspin. I deserve that.

I feel better today. I did a lot of thinking yesterday/last night, and my mindset has shifted. Basically I'm going to try to keep my spirits up and be thankful that I have a job, because I'd rather be in a miserable circumstance with a good attitude than in a fucked-up situation with a hateful heart.

I'm taking all of this as a learning experience too. I've learned what I really want in life, I know who I can trust completely, who I need to let go of, and  how to access strength I didn't even know I had. Most importantly, I learned that I can survive emotionally as long as I believe in myself and continue to be the person I know I can be. I don't want to let myself down again. No one else is responsible for holding me up; I need to be able to do it myself without hoping someone else is going to do it for me. I need to take responsibility for what's happening and fix it myself, not wait in hopes that someone is going to do it for me!

I am also feeling pretty confident that I got final confirmation on some things I was wondering about. People are nothing if not consistent in their behavior, and for some reason I let that become a grey area. It's unusual for me because I'm usually a "hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me" kind of person, but there are a few aspects of my life were I did not live by that rule for one reason or another. Everything happens for a reason, and I think that, if nothing else, part of this situation was in an effort to prove to me once and for all to keep my heart safe. I need to keep myself protected, so that's what I'm going to do from here on out.

I am sitting here wondering how it's possible to feel so alone in a world that is stuffed full of people. I'm beginning to wonder if more people = more chance of disappointment, or if the feeling is just something that I've been cursed with and am destined to live with my whole life. I remember starting to feel lonely once I hit grade school age; I had tons of friends and was surrounded by people, but I always felt alone in the social aspect of my life. I was one of those people who learned early on that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone, or you could be physically alone and feel perfectly settled in your existence. Unfortunately for me, I was usually the one laughing and partying with my friends while my soul felt as if it were in a dark box with no exit in sight. Over the years I've worked very hard to change my thinking and change my heartstrings, but I don't think that was something I should have done. I should have left myself alone.

I feel like I'm in the vortex and there's nowhere to grab on to stop it. I've tried to throw my hands out once or twice, but my fingers seem to have been ripped off of whatever grasp I had. Worse than loosing my grip, however, was getting my reach ignored completely. I don't think you ever get over something like that.