I had my 30 week OB appointment and weekly progesterone shot today. Everything looks good; I measure right on and Bug's heart rate sounds nice and strong. They were still concerned about my blood pressure after taking it today because it went up to 140/60 (I'm usually 104/50ish), so they had me do full labs to be sure nothing is amiss. When they took my BP after the labs it was down to 120/50, so that's headed in the right direction at least! The doctor wasn't too concerned because I have no other 'issues' in regards to high blood pressure, but they just want to be extra careful due to my history of pre-term labor.

I didn't want to see this particular doctor today because she is NOT my favorite, but she was much nicer today than I remember. I really liked how she referred to Bug by name and, when discussing the possibility of pre-eclampsia with me, she used Ian's name too. It made it much more personal.

I had told Sean that if she were the doctor on duty when I went in to labor I'd be keeping my legs crossed until her shift ended, but after today I don't think that will be necessary. So, as of now there is only one doctor that I really, really don't want to be the one to deliver Bug, and four that I really, really hope are there.

I cannot believe how proud I am of my son. He constantly surprises me!

We had a "Meet the Teacher" day last Thursday. Sean left work early and the three of us headed over to the Elementary School so that we could meet Ian's teacher and I could ask my long list of questions. I was nervous because of how badly Ian handled his last transition (granted he was about three years old then), and I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We were the first people there so Ian was able to take everything in slowly. It took all of about 30 seconds before he zeroed in on a little house they have set up in the corner, and he dove right in! From there he went to the kitchen center, and then he went over to draw a picture, leaving me to talk to the teachers. I got all of my questions answered (nap time, lunch, breakfast, rules, communication), and we hung out in the room for about 30 minutes after that. Ian showed off his skills and his teacher remarked that he seemed a bit advanced for the class, so she's going to work on giving him some more challenging things to do.

I left there feeling much better and we went out to dinner to celebrate!

Monday morning Sean and I took Ian together and I had that icky feeling in my stomach again. I just couldn't get over the fact that my little guy was ready to start "Big Boy school"! We parked in the lot with about 5,000 other shell-shocked parents and walked Ian to class. I held his hand so tightly I thought he'd complain, but he was so excited to be going to school he didn't seem to mind. He had his own backpack which he kept checking to be sure everything was still inside, and he kept asking about his cousins (two of them go to the same school as he does).

We got to his room and he was, once again, the first one there. He walked right in, put his backpack in his cubby, and headed to the kitchen center. I had to remind him to give me a kiss, and after that he was basically done with me, LOL!

Today went just as smoothly. He was the first one there and started talking to his teacher about the Manatees on the door and asking questions about the weather. He seems to be right at home and I feel like I'm going to burst with pride!

Anyone who knows my son knows about his behavior problems and his severe inability to handle change of any kind. He gets over-stimulated quickly and has a hard time dealing with chaos, as well as any disruption to what (or who) he knows. Seeing him this week has made me realize that he really is growing up and is learning how to deal with situations in a much more mature fashion.

I'm reminded of a few people who called themselves my 'friends' only to turn around and bash my son and my parenting skills to other people. If only they could see what a bright, confident, caring child my boy is... especially because I have heard that their children aren't so wonderful after all....

I was having a really bad morning.

I'm discouraged with work, I checked our bank balance and we had less than $3.00 in our account, and the thing I'm trying to do in order to make our lives better is not without a huge risk and no guarantee that anything will come of it. Needless to say these past few days have been tough, but for some reason it was even worse (emotionally) for me today.

I dropped Ian off as usual and, on my way to the office, it started to pour. I began to feel really badly about everything so I decided not to work out of the office as usual; instead I came home and work from here. I got a lot done (more than I do at the office, admittedly) and decided to watch an episode of Without a Trace during my lunch break.

Holy crap, I can't stop crying. The show is one that I don't usually watch so I have no idea why I wanted to turn it on, but I'm glad I did. It was an episode about a young boy (middle school aged) who was thought to be kidnapped, but as they progressed in the investigation it turns out that he was considered a 'loser' and the 'popular' kids all ganged up on him, made him look like a fool, and then spread it around the school. The young boy was so distressed that he decided to kill himself rather than continue his life of embarrassment. The FBI ended up saving him at the last minute (he was hanging himself), and his parents arrived on scene at the end...

When does it all happen? When does it begin? Like they said in the show, "These kids have been friends since the second grade!" Yeah? Well now, not four years later, they're saying hateful things to each other, trying to make each others lives miserable... When does it change from loving and caring about everyone to judging? I think back to my own middle school years and can't pinpoint when my friendship with XXX changed from afternoons eating peanut- butter and jelly sandwiches at her house while we played with dolls, to her coming up to me and saying I was fat and ugly and me accepting it as fact.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to teach my children how much they are loved. I remember so well the pain of growing up, of feeling ugly and hated, of hating myself and wanting to die so I wouldn't hurt so much any more... My parents were some of the most loving, caring people on the earth and it still wasn't enough to keep the self-loathing at bay. What if my children face the same demons? What if they get trapped in the same cycle of distress and angst and not know how to get out? What if my loving them isn't enough? What happens if they're faced with that split second decision and they chose the calm that lies beyond, rather than make the choice to live and deal with the pain in order to see what their future holds because my love isn't strong enough to help guide and protect them?

On the flip side of that, how can we teach our children the importance of compassion? How can we show them that being strong in their convictions, even when faced with peer pressure and the possibility of ridicule, may mean the difference in someones life? Is there a way to assure them that life won't always be how it is "now" and that those decisions they make in those instances define who they are for the future? That the future is what they're aiming for, and not the 'now' their living in at the moment? Isn't this our duty as parents? How do we assure that we're doing what we can, and what can we do to make our words and opinions carry more weight than our children's friends?

This blog took an amazing turn. I was going to write about how I didn't care about any of the things that were bothering me before because I have the love of my family... Didn't quite turn out that way, did it?

I'm the type of person who looks for signs in everything. I believe the Universe speaks to us in subtle ways, and if we aren't careful and mindful, we'll miss it. Be it something overheard in a conversation, a sentence that catches our attention when speaking to a friend, or something more obvious like our car not starting when setting off to do something, we all get messages in one way or another.

A few of my 'bigger' choices in life have been decided by pure 'reading' of circumstances around a certain time-frame, and 9 out of 10 times the decision I made turned out to be correct. Sometimes things just happen to fall into place correctly without much work on my part, but usually it takes some serious thought and interpretation regarding what's been occurring.

I've been thinking about changing something in my life for a month or so now, and I finally made the huge decision. It's expensive but the outcome is something I desperately want, so I figured I wouldn't let fear stand in my way. Yesterday I went to sign up since I'm DONE with the real estate and, wouldn't you know, the website is down for maintenance?!

I think I may take some more time to think about this...