Yesterday I was reminded why I do the job I do.

I was getting someone out of Jail yesterday to take him back to his placement. He is someone whom I violated and ultimately put in jail. We had three hearings about the situation and I testified at all of them, so I was a little nervous about how he'd be when I picked him up. He had responded appropriately to me in Court, but you just never know how people (especially unmedicated mentally ill people) will act at any given moment!

When the deputy brought him to the release area he smiled at me, held out his hand for me to shake, and said, "It's great to see you, Jenn. Thank you for coming to get me."

As we drove away he was quiet for a few minutes. I let him be, and he finally cleared his throat. "Jenn," he said,"I want you to know how much I appreciate all you've done for me. Standing beside you in Court was an honor. I heard you speaking in support of me, and I heard how you continued to speak even when the counter opinions were offered. You didn't back down and I admire your firm determination in my cause. I want you to know, God's honest truth, that if you ever need help in any way, if you ever need anything at all, you can come to me and I'd help you no matter what the cost."

Pregnancy hormones or not, I cried.

Wow, I didn't realize how long ago I last posted!

I've been busy cleaning out what's going to be the Baby's room, cleaning the rest of the house, and then visiting with a relative who grew up with my Mom but whom she hasn't seen in over 40 years. It's been a great few days!

I have dinner tonight with one of my best friends, then tomorrow we go and visit with my brother's family (they're leaving Thursday for a month!), Thursday I have to finish our taxes (better late then never) and then this weekend I have a Haunted Hunter's meeting that will take about 6 hours.

I'll update more when I get a minute to breathe!

Bug is pretty active in the morning. I find myself in that blissful half awake/half asleep phase just enjoying her bumping against my skin and I start to think about how lucky I am. I can't believe that this pregnancy is real half the time, and it seems like the other half of the time I spend worrying that something is going to go wrong. However; for those few peaceful moments when it's just my daughter and me, I am completely happy and my heart is full of light because I know she is real and I know she's right where she's supposed to be.

I spoke to my friend on Tuesday and it looks like I'm getting a baby shower. I was against it because this is my second, but a lot of my friends have asked about one and were really disappointed that I wasn't going to have one. M told me that she wanted to host it, so it looks like Bug will be getting some things of her own after all.

We're also planning on having Ian's birthday party in August (his birthday is in November). Crazy, maybe, but it'll be nice to have it when I'm not big as a whale, and not in the season when he's always sick! The main reason we're having it so early is because he's going to a new school in August and he's convinced he won't start until he's five. He doesn't adapt to change well, or disruptions in routine, so this seems like the easiest way to prepare him for such a big move... Of course, this is subject to change as I put more thought into it!

I took some time away from the computer this week. I had a lot on my mind so I did a lot of "inner" work and I feel more at peace with myself.

I went for my perinatologist appointment on Thursday and Sean was able to come with me which was great. This is the first time he's gotten to see his little girl! We dropped Ian off at school and found the specialist's officer right away. They took us in right on time; one of the benefits of having an early morning appointment! The u/s tech was awesome and told us everything we were looking at. It was amazing! We saw the heart and the brain, the spine, all the fingers and toes, all the organs… She spent a long time at the heart, measuring each valve, listening to each one, measuring the heart rate (120). She even showed us a picture in 3-D, but it’s still kind of early so the baby looked a bit alien-like.

Afterward the doctor came in. He sat down and started playing with the buttons on the ultrasound machine and started talking about the measurements of everything, saying how good everything looked, everything with this, that, and the other thing was perfect, the baby is measuring 3 days behind but is still great, is perfect weight, my cervix is good… You know when you get that sinking feeling in your stomach and your feet go cold? I knew there was a “but” in there, I just knew it! The way he was trying to get to a specific picture I just knew there was something out of the ordinary...

Well, the “but” is there’s a cyst on her brain. It isn’t located where it would affect any cognitive or motor activity, but it is a marker for Trisomy 18. I almost died when he said that! However; he said everything else looks great and my blood work came back within the normal risk levels so he thinks the chances of anything being wrong is small. But, you all know what my thought process was at that point. The heart structure is great (that’s why they did so much work up on it) which is the usual organ affected by Tri-18, but I’ll be getting another u/s at 26 weeks to see if the cyst has resolved itself or not.

The other thing that surprised me what the whole P-17 (Progesterone) shot information I received. I was under the impression that the shots created a significant drop in premature labor (statistically), but the truth is it’s only a 12% drop. He said that they don’t even truly believe it helps, but it “doesn’t hurt”. Wow… He spent a good deal of time talking about being on the look out for signs of premature labor (um, my water just broke at 33 weeks, I had no “signs”), what to do to help decrease the likelihood, blah blah blah….  Um, not what I was expecting to hear.

He also went on to discuss the Epidural situation. Basically if I want any chance of having an epidural I have to switch to Heprin from my Lovonex at 36 weeks. Lovonex stays in ones system for 15-18 hours whereas Heparin is only 5-8 hours. I can't get an Epidural while the medication is still in my system because there is a great chance of spinal bleeding and paralysis, but I have more of a window with the Heparin than with the Lovonex.

So, I’m thrilled that the baby is still a girl (LOL!) and everything is looking good for the most part. I’m concerned about the cyst but I’m trying not to let that freak me out until there’s something to freak out about. Plus, I feel much better after getting a bunch of comforting emails from women who's baby's have had a cyst while in the womb! I even felt so good about it that I went and bought my little girl her first "girlie" outfit yesterday.

Here’s a picture of little Miss Sunshine. The second picture I love! This is how she was the majority of the 25 minute u/s session, LOL!

 

My mom asked me last week if I could find time to go to Hope House with her. They have a little shop there that has donated wigs and scarfs so she wanted someone with her to give her an honest opinion. I ended up not being able to make it to a Judge's conference at work today so I decided that I'd go on my lunch hour if she was free.

Last week she made some comments about knowing her hair was going to fall out because it was hurting (I laughed because, let's face it, we've all had that experience. You know, having a hang over so bad that your hair hurts? Yeah, been there). Then we got to talking about eyebrows and she told me that she needed my Dad to take a picture of her so that she could use it as a guide when she had to pencil her own in. I told her that I'd come over every day and do it for her, and for one low price I'd give her a different expression for each day! (Mom's angry eyebrows, surprised eyebrows, shocked....)

When I called her she said she'd be right over and we'd go; she was mad at herself for waiting so long to order her wig because, as she told me, her hair was "really coming out" and she needed something quickly.

She came in to the house when she got here, and in all honesty I couldn't tell her hair was at all thinner. It wasn't until  we went to leave and she turned around that I saw there was truly a spot on her scalp that was obvious. I didn't say anything, but I felt my heart begin to sink.

When we got to Hope House we got to the back and a wonderful woman named Robin led us to the wigs. We poked around a bit and my mom tried on some hideous styles. We laughed like crazy people, but inside I could feel my heart breaking. With each wig she tried on, long strands of her hair kept falling onto her shoulders. It got to the point where I had to pull the hair off until I had two fistfuls worth. She laughed, telling me that she likes to stand outside to help the birds get material for their nests, and I smiled, but could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  

I had to excuse myself after a few minutes because the burning in my throat got to be excruciating. It was as if right before my eyes she was becoming a cancer patient; a person who is truly fighting for their life. Where I could ignore it before, today it became tangible. It became real. As her hair continued to fall gently to the floor I realized that that "the last time" her hair didn't fall out. "Last time" she felt fine after every chemo treatment, and "last time" she beat the disease.  I realized today that "last time" wasn't going to be "this time". "This time" is going to be a totally different.

My mom did find a wig that she liked, as well as a hat, so it was a successful trip for her. However; for me it was  tragic. Today my mother became a victim. She became part of the cancer statistics, a piece of the puzzle that people are struggling to solve, another name to add to the list of people who suffer from this disease. She became one of the reasons people walk for a cure, a face in the crowd at support groups. The disease became real. 

Today I discovered, truly felt the truth, that my mom has Cancer. My mom is fighting for her life and there's not a damn thing I can do to help her. The outcome is determined and there is nothing that I can do to change it. This is something my Mom has to experience on her own, a battle she must wage, and I can't help her at all. Not one bit.