I find myself getting nervous when I remember that I'm having a little girl. I keep thinking about clothes, raising her 'right', what on earth I'm going to do when the teenage years start to approach... I never thought I'd have a girl these past five years I've been raising Ian, so now I'm kind of dumbstruck.

I remember the turmoil of growing up very well. I know the things I did and I wonder every day how I managed to get this far in life without killing myself (no exaggerations on that, either). I think back to how mean the girls were to each other while growing up, how fast things changed socially, how broken my heart got year after year while dating... And look at what girls are doing to each other now! Ganging up on one and beating the crap out of her, having sex at 12 years old, being violent and nasty... Not to mention the fact that clothes and labels are so important to girl's and where they 'stand' socially!

I am terrified.

How am I going to keep it together in today's world? I know part of growing up means getting your feelings hurt and learning how to resolve conflict, but I can't even deal with it when some child takes the swing away from Ian on the playground! How on earth am I going to deal with all the girl drama? Even my niece, at 6 years old, lives a wild life with the ins and outs of social strife.

I think I am going to definitely need medication for the next 18 years.

I realized some amazing things about myself the past two days.

1. I am a very emotional creature
2. I am an idiot
3. I am an idiot with a severe control issue

For some reason, losing what I spent over 15 hours in complete turmoil over has sent an amazing sense of calm over me. I am 100% certain that all of this unraveled a mere few hours before I even knew it for a reason or reasons that I'm unaware of. I was so sure, especially after learning what I did about the people involved, that there was no way we could lose out, but we did. And I'm OK.

When I heard about it from my Dad I kept waiting for the explosion, the usual spark that turns into a wildfire before I know it. I did feel a twinge, but nothing more. Stranger still, I smiled all night and feel fine.

Renewed faith that everything really is as it should be? The knowledge that we aren't really as stuck as we seem and I do have some control of the direction of our lives? Getting another glimpse of how wonderful my family really is? Complete control freak? A 33 year old hiding an extremely self-centered 13 year old who's only happy when she gets her way?

I'm really not sure....

I do have a sudden urge for a toasted marshmallow. That is not really relevant to the subject of this blog, but I can almost taste the darn thing. Maybe I'll light the fire pit tonight and cook some. Ohhh, S'mores!!!!!

Perhaps I need medication.

I am so confused. Yesterday I thought it was Friday all day, and then this morning I started making my plans for the weekend because I thought it was Friday already! This week has been amazingly long in some respects, but in others it's flown right by.

Monday was my early day at work. I had to be in St. Petersburg at 7am to pick someone up for Court, and when I went to leave at 6am my car wouldn't start. That was not a good way to start the week, but I ended up finding the bright side because there was nothing seriously wrong with it.

Ian also tested for his yellow belt that day and made it! I didn't get to see the full test but I raced there when I got done with my trip to St. Pete and I caught the tail end of it. We all went out to lunch afterward and, little did I know, Sean had taken the whole day off to spend with Ian! They went to the hobby shop while I napped, then when they came home the two of them went into the "man cave" for a few hours to "work". So cute!

Monday was also the day my Mom had her first round of chemo. She called me a few times during the four hour experience and she was bubbly, looking at the positives. Her first comment to me in the morning was, "If I lose all the hair on my head and not on my legs I'm going to be very upset!" It's funny; I always thought I got my sunny disposition from my mom and my humor from my dad, but now I have to wonder about that...

Tuesday I spent catching up in the office and finding a ton of stuff that I need to iron out... which I did on Wednesday and am still not done fixing. I made a solemn promise to myself to not let myself get too busy to do the stuff that has to be done after this, because fixing the month of March is going to take a l-o-n-g time!

Hopefully I get to go to the gym tonight!

I have a ton of pictures to post so, once I find my USB cable this blog is going to be filled with images, LOL!

I never realized what a lonely disease cancer is. I mean, any terminal illness must give one a sense of being alone, but the more I hear my mother talk about what's going on with her I feel more and more that I can't do any more than be there to listen.

Last night I brought her with me to Michael's so I could pick up some beads for my special orders, and she discussed the medication/chemo schedule with me. Unfortunately, due to her (our) clotting disorder, she's going to have to take some chemo medications that are "unfriendly" to the cardiovascular system. Did I ever mention that she sees a cardiologist for her heart condition? I guess, weighing the two evils, the clotting disorder beat out the heart condition. She'll be going on Tuesday for her first six hour chemo session, and then the day after she goes for a shot that is supposed to raise her white blood cell count. She'll continue that regime for 6-8 weeks, and then the sessions will reduce to two hours.

It's like some sort of hell day camp or something. "Bring a lunch or a snack, you'll have a TV so you can relax, blah, blah blah," What a load of shit.

Couple that with the wig fitting sessions, make up session for when she loses her eyebrows and eyelashes, how to fit the prosthetic breast and what clothes look the best, the support gropus... It just sucks.

She, of course, is looking on the bright side of it all. She even said, "Maybe the reason this happened to me was so that you would be diagnosed and save this pregnancy!" What a silver lining, and for all I know it could be true! But, for now, all I know is that I'm helpless. I can't even hold a discussion with her because I can't fathom how she's feeling. I can't begin to understand how someone deals with the constant thought that their life could be moving toward the "end", that they may have to prepare themselves to say good-bye to everything they've knows, the worry for the people left behind.

I found this great quote:

"“False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade."

Wow. Well, how true it is. I've learned this the hard way these past few years and I have a feeling that I'm going to re-learn this lesson many times in the years to come. I have a hard time accepting that there really are "fair weather friends" even though I've been shown this to be true time and time again.  I've done this countless times, this trying to breathe breath into relationships that aren't worth it, trying desperately to find a reason/excuse why someone would desert me or treat me badly... Of course this quote is also true when thinking about love relationships too! I wonder if there's a point in our lives where we just give up and don't care any more? I mean, how long can a heart continue to beat for something even when it's obvious there's nothing there any more?

Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment!