I've come to a conclusion after sitting here for almost 2 hours: I am going to put more focus on my husband and my son. I fear I haven't been a very good wife and mother lately, and that isn't fair to either of them. I've been chasing my tail and they've been the ones to suffer the worst.

It stops today.

I'm done trying to make relationships work that are clearly one-sided. I'm finished wasting my energy chasing after something that is obviously going to remain centered on something else and I can't change. I'm over using my time to try and help other people or be something they need only to be cast aside yet again. I'm finished allowing my heart and my pride to be wounded for no other reason than people's own selfishness. *sigh* Unfortunately this is not in response to anyone or any one situation because then I could just 'be mad" and "get over it"; it's something that's been happening for a while now and it's coming at me from all directions! Jobs, friends, situations I find myself in... It's everywhere!

I've been thinking about friendships lately because during the summer it seems that the majority of people fall into their own lives so completely that they forget about the 'outskirts'. I'm okay with that because that's exactly how it should be, but there are certain things that I'm not okay with, and I've decided that instead of being mad about it I need to make a conscious effort to be aware of those things in the forefront so when I come across them, I can back away and not reach out anymore

I've spent my life 'doing' for others. Every job I've ever had has been in the 'helping' capacity, from working with children in crisis, working with the mentally ill, helping people find real estate, and doing the marketing for a business that I believed in because it helped people. I've never been cut-throat, never tried to get more than I give, and I've never been vindictive or manipulative (um, since I hit my 20's anyway!). It's just the way I was made and I've never regretted that I have followed my path, even when my brother is sitting there making $200K and I'm making as much in a year as he makes in two months.

What I'm saying is that today offered me a sad realization. It was like the Universe lay It's hand on my head and whispered "Stop" directly into my ear.

I just can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on me and my family and to create the type of support and comfort I've been trying to foster on the outside with little to no results. It's going to take time and effort, but maybe I can stop doubting and hurting now... I'm tired of all the second, third, and forth chances I give because I'm just fulfilling the definition of insanity and I, of all people, should recognize that!

I am a news junkie. I watch the news in the morning, read the headlines all day, listen to NPR on the way in to work and while at work, then watch the national news when I get home.

I'm trying to break that habit though, because everything reported makes me panic. So far this morning I've heard that the St. Petersburg Firefighters will not be getting retirement benefits (new hires), unemployment in the Bay area is higher than the rest of the State and the Nation, and that we are a Nation in crisis.

I think that last statement about says it all, don't you?

I'm trying to remain positive, but it's hard when bombarded with how much life sucks for so many people. How close are we to becoming what these poor desperate people are? With all the budget cuts I just found out about in my agency, how much longer can I count on my paycheck? If people can't afford to drive their cars, how much longer is Sean going to have a paycheck?

There are no guarantees in life, but I thought at least my job was a guarantee! Dealing with my Mom, relationship issues, and pregnancy losses, I thought I had at least one area I could rely on...

*** Edited to Add: I love how Hollywood can go on strike. I guess if I had over 20 million in my savings account I wouldn't give a shit about working either! ***

So I went to start studying last night and I couldn't because I didn't have a notebook. Can you say "geek"? Seriously. For a stupid 45 hour course I have to have a new notebook?! Sean even offered to go get me on, but I didn't trust him to get me the right kind! I need a certain ruler width, certain cover, certain number of sections... I have my pens, but no notebook so I couldn't start.

I spent the evening straightening up my "area", cleaning the wood on the desk, and generally "Preparing the Site".

Since I couldn't do the Real Estate stuff I ended up finishing a Progress Test for one of my Holistic Child Care sections and half of the final exam. Hey, at least I got something accomplished!

I think it's going to be a bit harder than I thought, and not because of the material. It's going to be because of the other people in this house! When I went to the computer last night, Sean (from the couch where he always is, of course) asked, "Where are you going? Are you going to sit in there all night?" Um... yeah. That was the plan...

Last night I had one of my famous nights of sleep. The past few days I haven't been sleeping well (Bug is up until 12:30am and then up again at 4:30am so I'm up too), but last night I was so tired I was able to sleep from 11:30pm to 6:30am! It was a deep, life-removal dream state, and I had my oh-so-missed color, high action, feel-as-if-I-were-there dreams.

The first was interesting in that I lost a leather diary that I had. Someone else in the house (I was living with room-mates) found it and said it had appeared on their nightstand. Oddly enough it was thicker upon it's return to me, and when I opened it I realized it was completely filled out; it was as if my future self had sent me a message! As I flipped through the book I could read lines here and there, but I was scared to read anything in full. As I said to the person who handed the book to me, "I don't want to ruin anything. I don't want to change what is meant to happen!" I ended up just reading the dates, and found that nothing seemed to go past 2012. I won't go in to detail here, but if you're aware of the Mayan calender and the "end" then you know how shocked I was when I woke up!

The other was pretty obvious in it's message, however; I can't decipher it! It was the usual "Whoops I forgot to finish college and have to go back for a semester," dream. Sean was, oddly enough, registered at the local Tech college in their agricultural department (?), and as I was packing up I realized that I didn't have anyone to watch Ian while my Mom drove me to school. I called Sean at my MILs house to see if she could watch him, and he said, "Don't worry about school. I'm going to a place that's going to help me provide for my family so don't bother going." I retorted with, " 'Don't bother going?' What does that mean? I want to go! I want to get my degree so I can have a better job! I don't want to be stuck working in some fast-food joint or something. Why shouldn't I go? What am I going to do with myself?" He then says, "Go find a little job to help with the bills and we'll be fine." I was so furious with him! I replied, "So wait. You're going to school, are going to get a good job with great pay, but I'm not allowed to stay home with the kids? I have to work somehow, yet I'm not supposed to go to school so I have to be in a job that I hate?"  The dream continued and I ended up divorced, finishing school, and getting a high-paying job that I loved and put his job to shame.

Er, sounds like I have some issues to work through?

I’m sitting outside watching the morning break through the clouds. Just like my life, there is an amazing contradiction between the rain in the west and the brightness in the east.

It’s actually raining on the house. In fact, I’m sitting on the porch listening to the water fall from the roof, yet I’m watching the clear blue sky open up in front of me. The gentle awareness of dawn has brought hints of pink to the clouds ahead, and the birds have started their morning chorus. It’s quite amazing, really, to watch a beautiful sunrise and hear the beginnings of a world waking up, yet still watch raindrops fall and listen to that melody as well.

In celebration of today I’m going to Church. I’ve felt this gnawing need this week and, seeing as I was given such a blatant sign this morning, I think I ought to honor that and make the drive. I need some answers to some major questions, and even though I think I know what direction I want to take, I could use some Spiritual guidance and the familiarity of my Faith.