I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

Today I am going to have to deal with the DCF "issue." I also am going to have to call and see if the hospital will reassume the debt so we can pay it off. I'm not sure how it happened, but the fact that Sean is paying the bills now and he missed a few payments (His thought is: "If I don't see a bill, I can't pay it." Why? Does it mean the debt has suddenly disappeared?!) pisses me off and he should be the one calling, but I have resigned myself to this being my "job" now. Sonofabitch, I hate calling and talking about money. I am not a deadbeat, but today seems to be a "I suck and let my debts slide and don't bother to repay people" kind of day.

First I'm going to cook my kids breakfast, then take Ian to camp. Then I'm going to make handmade sidewalk paint for Roo and hang out with her until nap time. THEN I will spend the rest of the afternoon cursing money.