I have a side to my personality that is vile. I know when it's coming, and I am familiar with the chest tightening and eye narrowing that happens when I've allowed it to overcome me. There are times when I hate it, yet alternatively I have days when I welcome the complete and total overtaking of my mind.

Most people recognize this part of me, and they either chose to accept it or chose to walk away. I admit that I'm not proud of this particular trait, but it's part of what makes me who I am. It's a kind of take-it-or-leave-it part to my personality, because I'm as unable to control this as much as I am unable to control my dreams.

One moment this week while I was away was one of those times that this part of me swept up and almost knocked me over before I could even attempt to harness it. It had to do with my family (my brother specifically) and something that was expected of me and almost demanded for someone else, and the anger I've been keeping under wraps suddenly erupted. I could hear it in my tone, the word choices I used, and it was as if I were watching the whole event unfold rather than participating in it. I conceded in a half screw-you and half I'll-screw-myself-to-screw-you mindset, and I came home early.

So. Where does that leave us all? With a two-page letter from my brother in apology and explanation, me not seeing them because I left early, and a question about what is going to happen from here.

That part of my personality scares me, because what I say is so raw and uncensored that the consequences are usually big. I can't 'unsay' anything, because it's obvious by my tone that I'm beyond disgusted, and how can you smooth something like that over? And, would I really want to anyway, because what's to gain from that? Peace? What's peace if you can't stand the very notion behind it? Why live in the appearance that everything is "fine" when your insides are clenched in anger every moment you're living the lie? For the sake of calm? Really?

Maybe it's better that it happened. I hate living a lie, and seeing as I am making all sorts of changes in my life, why not make this part of the change?