I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

Today I am going to have to deal with the DCF "issue." I also am going to have to call and see if the hospital will reassume the debt so we can pay it off. I'm not sure how it happened, but the fact that Sean is paying the bills now and he missed a few payments (His thought is: "If I don't see a bill, I can't pay it." Why? Does it mean the debt has suddenly disappeared?!) pisses me off and he should be the one calling, but I have resigned myself to this being my "job" now. Sonofabitch, I hate calling and talking about money. I am not a deadbeat, but today seems to be a "I suck and let my debts slide and don't bother to repay people" kind of day.

First I'm going to cook my kids breakfast, then take Ian to camp. Then I'm going to make handmade sidewalk paint for Roo and hang out with her until nap time. THEN I will spend the rest of the afternoon cursing money.

Wow. I feel like I've been completely smacked in the face. I got 2 letters from DCF stating that they want their $1260 / $884.58 back due to their "error by not budgeting your income correctly or timely." They want it in 30 days or they're going to put us in Federal Collections.

Wow. All of those benefits were used because we were told we qualified, and I had other insurance for my kids but dropped it when they said we qualified. I got Ian's asthma medication and had him seen my a psychologist, all which would have been around $30 if I had kept him insured with my company. The food stamps we used, but then we stopped the day were were notified by them that they made an error.

We don't have that kind of money. They're going to have to put me in jail because if they seize Sean's paychecks I'm going to be in dept up to my eyeballs, become homeless, and then I'll have to commit a homicide.

I am so happy to be up and running again! I've missed my blogging outlet, that's for sure. I had to cut myself off for a month to finish school, quit my job, and start job searching again... A lot can happen in a month!

So much to catch up on, but I'll just say that I graduated with a 95% for a GPA, which was my goal.

My last day of work was yesterday, and I found a a whole bunch of less-than-charming information about a coworker of mine. She's the one I had issues with when I first started, but I didn't realize what a snake she truly was until yesterday. She obviously has a charred, black heart, and a soul that is destined for vile payback. I was going to lay it all out for my other co-workers who I met up with last night, but I decided not to. I have come a long way from gossip and the desire to create drama, so I didn't want to do something out of anger versus "the right reason." I made one comment along the lines of, "I found out that people on our Team we thought we could trust, we can't," and left it at that. Considering I was hanging out with 2 of the 3 people from our 4-person Team, I think they're bright enough to figure out what and who I meant. If they chose to continue to trust her, that's their problem. They'll figure it out, because someone with such an ugly purpose and disgusting way of living their life is destined for failure. I can only hope that I get to hear about it when it happens! On the flip side of that, I found out that a few of her less desirable character traits have not gone unnoticed by others who are higher up, and that makes me happy.

My desktop computer just crashed. I can't get it to work now, and I'm frantic! I have all my pictures and all my school work on there!!! I'm an IDIOT because I haven't backed up anything for about 4 months, so that means all that stuff is going to be GONE!

My final, my pictures... Oh man, I can't believe it!

I'm 2 days further behind than I wanted to be, and tomorrow I'm gone all night for the Eclipse premiere.

SUX!