I've come to a conclusion after sitting here for almost 2 hours: I am going to put more focus on my husband and my son. I fear I haven't been a very good wife and mother lately, and that isn't fair to either of them. I've been chasing my tail and they've been the ones to suffer the worst.

It stops today.

I'm done trying to make relationships work that are clearly one-sided. I'm finished wasting my energy chasing after something that is obviously going to remain centered on something else and I can't change. I'm over using my time to try and help other people or be something they need only to be cast aside yet again. I'm finished allowing my heart and my pride to be wounded for no other reason than people's own selfishness. *sigh* Unfortunately this is not in response to anyone or any one situation because then I could just 'be mad" and "get over it"; it's something that's been happening for a while now and it's coming at me from all directions! Jobs, friends, situations I find myself in... It's everywhere!

I've been thinking about friendships lately because during the summer it seems that the majority of people fall into their own lives so completely that they forget about the 'outskirts'. I'm okay with that because that's exactly how it should be, but there are certain things that I'm not okay with, and I've decided that instead of being mad about it I need to make a conscious effort to be aware of those things in the forefront so when I come across them, I can back away and not reach out anymore

I've spent my life 'doing' for others. Every job I've ever had has been in the 'helping' capacity, from working with children in crisis, working with the mentally ill, helping people find real estate, and doing the marketing for a business that I believed in because it helped people. I've never been cut-throat, never tried to get more than I give, and I've never been vindictive or manipulative (um, since I hit my 20's anyway!). It's just the way I was made and I've never regretted that I have followed my path, even when my brother is sitting there making $200K and I'm making as much in a year as he makes in two months.

What I'm saying is that today offered me a sad realization. It was like the Universe lay It's hand on my head and whispered "Stop" directly into my ear.

I just can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on me and my family and to create the type of support and comfort I've been trying to foster on the outside with little to no results. It's going to take time and effort, but maybe I can stop doubting and hurting now... I'm tired of all the second, third, and forth chances I give because I'm just fulfilling the definition of insanity and I, of all people, should recognize that!

I've finally found a few minutes to myself! This week has been crazy busy with friends and family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I finished "my part" of the taxes tonight. I can't believe we spent almost $5,000 in medical expenses last year! I didn't add up the mileage to and from all the appointments and to the pharmacy though because I don't think it will make a difference anyway.

I haven't been to Church in 3 weeks so I'm hoping to make it this Sunday. Sean is taking Ian to Busch Gardens on Sunday with a friend of his and his little boy, so I have the day to myself. I don't know if I want to hang out at home and enjoy the silence though! I have the HHPSI meeting later that afternoon so I'd hate to spend the day running from one event to the next... I'll have to think on that one.

Bug is doing really well! She was quiet for two days and it had be a little worried, but today she's moving around and giving me little kicks here and there. I had a horrible dream last night were my water broke at 24 weeks and no one at the doctor's office would call me back because they were busy discharging people from the hospital for the weekend. I woke up in a panic, checking the sheets and my shorts to see if my water really had broken. I spent the rest of the day in a sort of fog; I had three people tell me I looked like crap so I can only imagine how fantastic I appeared!

Saturday Sean's going out for a while so I'm going to be hanging out with Ian for the day by myself. I'm thinking of taking him to the Aquarium... but then again my brother's house is empty so I may just take advantage of that.

 

Wow, I didn't realize how long ago I last posted!

I've been busy cleaning out what's going to be the Baby's room, cleaning the rest of the house, and then visiting with a relative who grew up with my Mom but whom she hasn't seen in over 40 years. It's been a great few days!

I have dinner tonight with one of my best friends, then tomorrow we go and visit with my brother's family (they're leaving Thursday for a month!), Thursday I have to finish our taxes (better late then never) and then this weekend I have a Haunted Hunter's meeting that will take about 6 hours.

I'll update more when I get a minute to breathe!

What a fabulous day! My parents ended up tagging along and we all sat around talking, laughing, and discussing an interesting business deal(s) while Ian played his heart out. We even went to the "other side" of the beach where the Gulf comes in and played in the waves (The part of Fort DeSoto Beach we go to is divided by an enormous tide pool so that's where Ian plays and swims because it's not too deep and there's no current) and we had a great time!

I did, however, learn something important: When on a blood thinner, you  need to avoid sun exposure.  Even if you're only in it for a nanosecond while you set up a tent to be sure you have shade from said exposure, and then in the ocean for 10 minutes where you just can't avoid the burning star, you will get severely burned. So much so, that you can't stand to wear clothes because the pressure on your skin in unbearable. Then, of course, you have the nausea that comes along with sunburn, the extreme thirst... Blech. Driving home from the beach I couldn't even have Sean's arm resting near mine because the dual heat from our arms (yes, he burned too but he's an idiot, more so than I am) were like the negative sides of magnets placed together. I thought we were going to combust!

When we got home without anyone catching fire I wanted to nap but couldn't because that would have meant laying on the bed and I seriously think the friction of the sheets would have killed me, so I took a shower instead. After a few tears when the water hit my skin I was able to finally ease my way in, but I couldn't stand too close to the tiles because the glow of the burn reflecting of the white hurt my eyes. Then there was the issue of shaving my legs... I won't go in to detail, but picture raw skin and a rusty knife and you get the idea.

I also hit another milestone of pregnancy today: I can no long see my feet when I'm in the shower.

Today we got up early, had breakfast, and then went to Adventure Island for the first time this season. We had a blast! We got there right at 9am and went directly to the Rambling Bayou where we floated for over an hour. The only problem was that I spent the majority of the time kneeling, so now my knees are rubbed raw and it looks like Sean and I were doing "inappropriate" things in the water, LOL! After we were done floating we went to Ian's favorite past time, Fabian's Funport. After he had his fill there we went to the wave pool, and then the Lagoon. All in all, I think we were there over 3 hours!

After that we came home and, what else, took a nap until about 3pm. Now Sean's as the grocery store for me because I'm having some back pains, and Ian and I are hanging out on the couch watching a stimulating episode of Max and Ruby.

It feels like a Sunday to me!