I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I ended up not being able to do much in the morning because I needed Sean to sign a check for deposit. After going to the bank it was almost time for Roo's nap, so we just played until around 11am and I put her to bed. I called DCF and left a message for the debt recovery guy, worked on some resumes and such, and then when Roo got up I realized I had missed the return call from DCF. Called him back, left a message, and fed Roo. He called during that, so I was able to discuss some things with him while she ate.

The short version is that, even though it was all their error and we would have kept our insurance for the kids the way it was except for them telling us we qualified, we still owe them everything. There is no longer the choice to "request for compromise" unless you are in collections, or in jail (no thanks). However, we do qualify for some benefits at this point (seriously this time. Really), so they'll reduce what we get by 10% to work towards repayment. As for the the health stuff, I was told: "They can't come after you for this. It cannot hurt your credit, so if you don't want to bother paying it, don't." Erm, neither Sean or I am comfortable with this idea. I think it's been proven that we're honest people (as proven by the very honesty that got us into this mess in the first place!), so we're going to attempt a deal for about $10 a month. Granted, we'll be paying until the end of time, but so what?

Since I felt great that I had dealt with this issue like a big girl, I decided to do some sidewalk painting with Roo. Man, I wish I had my camera with me while we did this! We had so much fun, and she actually cried when we were finished with the paint. We just sat on the driveway and "talked," and she would literally take my hand an put it in the paint if I stopped for even a second. It was a terrific bonding experience!

I cooked Grape Jelly Meatballs for dinner, and I even made my own chili sauce to simmer. Martha Stuart, watch out!