Well.

I haven't been feeling we the past few days. Friday I was having contractions and by Sunday I was nauseous. Monday rolled around and I noticed Bug wasn't moving when she usually does, and that's when I started to worry. I was able to hold it together until today and I had pain/pressure when walking to the office. It didn't fade during the day and I didn't feel my little girl move at all.

I called the doctor at around 2pm and left the usual I-know-I'm-just-paranoid-BUT message, and Cindy (the best RN on the planet) called me back by 2:30pm. They were able to schedule me for 3pm with the doctor who, incidentally, was the one who admitted me to the hospital after my water broke at 33 weeks with Ian.

When I went in we were able to hear the heartbeat right away (thank God!) and I started to cry, of course. He decided to do an internal at that point, and then sent me down the hall for an ultrasound to check for movement. Apparently my past pre-term labor gives me license to bother everyone!

So, the deal is this: My cervix is long, but it's softening already! From this point on I have to be checked every Monday when I go in for my shot because he's "not happy" with the softening of the cervix this early. The good news is her heartbeat is steady at 128 BPM, her respiration rate is great, and she's measuring well (although ahead in some areas and behind in others), and she's moving fine. She's also changed position now from having her head by my right hip and her butt by my left, to her head by my left hip, butt to the right, spine down. She's moving into position, the little nut! Looks like no C-section though, since she's transverse now and not breech.

I'm saying a praying that she stays put for a few more weeks at the least!!!! I don't want to go through what we did with Ian...

My son is amazing. He has the knack of knowing when I need affection, and last night was no exception. I've been feeling so sick and worried the past two days that I took a Tylenol PM at around 8:30pm and crawled in to bed. Ian climbed in with me, curled up against me, and proceeded to fall asleep. He stayed in our bed last night and it was such a comfort to wake up periodically and find him there.

I had some interesting dreams too, all centered around going back to New England and buying a house there. It felt like I was returning "home" and I kept finding people who I grew up with... Taken at face value you'd think that I want to get the heck out of Dodge and head back to where I spent the first twenty years of my life, but I thought about it this morning I think that it's more in response to a conversation I had with someone yesterday. I made the comment, "How do we get it back? We had so much fun then, but how do we get back to that time? You know, the time "before"?...." That very thought has been circling around in my head for a while now, but verbalizing it sort of gave it a life of it's own. Like it says in The Secret, once you say something and put it out for the Universe to react, it creates a whole new set of experiences.

This weekend has been great! I'm almost done with my real estate studying (two chapters to go!), and yesterday Sean lay the flooring in Ian's room so that's all done. I was able to read a book cover-to-cover, then I took Ian to the pool for a few hours. My mom came too so I got to catch up with her, and then I went to the store for some nice fresh veggies, fruit, and some veggie sushi. Ian fell asleep around 6:30pm, so Sean and I had a nice evening together.

Friday night was good too. I wanted to go to Sweet Tomatos but Ian really didn't want to, so my parents said they'd watch him. Sean and I got to eat out alone, and we had  a really great time! We were able to finish sentences without, "Mommy, can we go now?" and, "Daddy, what's that?" thrown in, and we had a few laughs about our past relationships. The nicest conversation we had was when we were discussing a couple we know that has children, yet the mom seems to never be home. It's up to Dad to do the parenting and Mom seems to enjoying being gone and working all the time, and even on weekends they don't seem to spend time together as a family! I made the comment, "I just don't understand that. Spending time with you and Ian are the best times of my life," and Sean said, "I know it. It's like that's the center and the rest just happens around it."

This week should be OK with work. I have Court 2 days this week which should be alright (although I'm not looking forward to the hearing tomorrow due to the Division I have to be in), but the rest of my week is looking laid-back. I have some paperwork that needs to get done, but other than that I'm pretty caught up.

I have dinner plans for Thursday night that I'm excited for. My friend Kim and I are trying to plan a little get-away for a night or two so we can both regain our sanity, LOL!  I think I'll bring our time-share books so we can pick a place and figure out costs. I just wish I could drink!!!!

There is only one crimp in my 'perfection' right now, and I'm trying to figure it all out in my mind. Thanks to my earlier pledge to back off of things and not give 100% of myself my heart isn't as involved as it could be, but I'm still a bit hurt by it all. To keep it vague I'll just say that I was pretty much shown that my support and friendship is not needed anymore. I had suspected it anyway, but things had appeared to change so I took a chance only to be, for lack of a better term, ignored. *shrug* I guess it's better to know for certain now rather than having to wonder and be hurt all the time when I heard that I was being passed over... again. People change and friendships change; I just need to keep reminding myself that people enter our lives for a reason, just as they step out again for another.

Happy Weekend, all!

I've come to a conclusion after sitting here for almost 2 hours: I am going to put more focus on my husband and my son. I fear I haven't been a very good wife and mother lately, and that isn't fair to either of them. I've been chasing my tail and they've been the ones to suffer the worst.

It stops today.

I'm done trying to make relationships work that are clearly one-sided. I'm finished wasting my energy chasing after something that is obviously going to remain centered on something else and I can't change. I'm over using my time to try and help other people or be something they need only to be cast aside yet again. I'm finished allowing my heart and my pride to be wounded for no other reason than people's own selfishness. *sigh* Unfortunately this is not in response to anyone or any one situation because then I could just 'be mad" and "get over it"; it's something that's been happening for a while now and it's coming at me from all directions! Jobs, friends, situations I find myself in... It's everywhere!

I've been thinking about friendships lately because during the summer it seems that the majority of people fall into their own lives so completely that they forget about the 'outskirts'. I'm okay with that because that's exactly how it should be, but there are certain things that I'm not okay with, and I've decided that instead of being mad about it I need to make a conscious effort to be aware of those things in the forefront so when I come across them, I can back away and not reach out anymore

I've spent my life 'doing' for others. Every job I've ever had has been in the 'helping' capacity, from working with children in crisis, working with the mentally ill, helping people find real estate, and doing the marketing for a business that I believed in because it helped people. I've never been cut-throat, never tried to get more than I give, and I've never been vindictive or manipulative (um, since I hit my 20's anyway!). It's just the way I was made and I've never regretted that I have followed my path, even when my brother is sitting there making $200K and I'm making as much in a year as he makes in two months.

What I'm saying is that today offered me a sad realization. It was like the Universe lay It's hand on my head and whispered "Stop" directly into my ear.

I just can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on me and my family and to create the type of support and comfort I've been trying to foster on the outside with little to no results. It's going to take time and effort, but maybe I can stop doubting and hurting now... I'm tired of all the second, third, and forth chances I give because I'm just fulfilling the definition of insanity and I, of all people, should recognize that!

My mom called me yesterday to say that they wouldn't do her chemo treatment. They tested her blood and her hemoglobin was "way too low" to subject her body to the medication. So, now she has to go to the hospital today for a blood infusion. The upside is that her white blood cell count went up to a normal range (from .3!!!) and that they promised her she'd feel better after she received the red blood cells today.

So, the projected outlook of her finish date has changed from Halloween to Thanksgiving. But, that's still pretty good considering she only had surgery the beginning of the year!

I told her to let me know if she didn't think she could take the baby when she comes, but she is determined not to let this little one go to daycare so young. I admit I was thrilled to hear it because having her go to childcare would mean me taking Ian to school by 7:30am, driving 12 miles to baby's daycare (there's only one place I'd ever take her), another 13 miles to work, then bust my ass to drive 15 miles to get back here to get Ian around 2pm, then drive 12 miles to pick up baby, then turn around and drive another 12 miles home. Somehow the math just doesn't add up there!

Anyway: Today is my ultrasound to check the cyst on my little girl's brain. Scared? You bet! I'm going alone, so I'll have plenty of time to stew in my own fear, LOL! I'm also getting my Gestational Diabetes Test done which, I have been assured, I'm going to fail due to using Lovenox. Not a big deal to me, really. I mean, I'd be upset because of the harm it can cause Bug, but one more needle won't matter to me.

*****Edited to Add: Because I'm a geek, I did the math on my commute. Yearly, I would put 16,900 miles on my car. My car goes about 22 miles to the gallon, so if my math is correct (and, let's be honest here; I operate at a 3rd grade math level due to dyslexia) and gas stays at $4 a gallon (HA!) I would be spending over 3 grand in gas a year! And that's just for work and childcare, let alone if I ever want to take the damn car anywhere else in life. Add that to Bug's daycare, and it would total over 12 grand. Add that to "wear and tear" and we're looking at 14 grand. So, basically I'd be working for our health insurance. Wow, isn't that motivation?! *****