I've come to a conclusion after sitting here for almost 2 hours: I am going to put more focus on my husband and my son. I fear I haven't been a very good wife and mother lately, and that isn't fair to either of them. I've been chasing my tail and they've been the ones to suffer the worst.

It stops today.

I'm done trying to make relationships work that are clearly one-sided. I'm finished wasting my energy chasing after something that is obviously going to remain centered on something else and I can't change. I'm over using my time to try and help other people or be something they need only to be cast aside yet again. I'm finished allowing my heart and my pride to be wounded for no other reason than people's own selfishness. *sigh* Unfortunately this is not in response to anyone or any one situation because then I could just 'be mad" and "get over it"; it's something that's been happening for a while now and it's coming at me from all directions! Jobs, friends, situations I find myself in... It's everywhere!

I've been thinking about friendships lately because during the summer it seems that the majority of people fall into their own lives so completely that they forget about the 'outskirts'. I'm okay with that because that's exactly how it should be, but there are certain things that I'm not okay with, and I've decided that instead of being mad about it I need to make a conscious effort to be aware of those things in the forefront so when I come across them, I can back away and not reach out anymore

I've spent my life 'doing' for others. Every job I've ever had has been in the 'helping' capacity, from working with children in crisis, working with the mentally ill, helping people find real estate, and doing the marketing for a business that I believed in because it helped people. I've never been cut-throat, never tried to get more than I give, and I've never been vindictive or manipulative (um, since I hit my 20's anyway!). It's just the way I was made and I've never regretted that I have followed my path, even when my brother is sitting there making $200K and I'm making as much in a year as he makes in two months.

What I'm saying is that today offered me a sad realization. It was like the Universe lay It's hand on my head and whispered "Stop" directly into my ear.

I just can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on me and my family and to create the type of support and comfort I've been trying to foster on the outside with little to no results. It's going to take time and effort, but maybe I can stop doubting and hurting now... I'm tired of all the second, third, and forth chances I give because I'm just fulfilling the definition of insanity and I, of all people, should recognize that!

My mom called me yesterday to say that they wouldn't do her chemo treatment. They tested her blood and her hemoglobin was "way too low" to subject her body to the medication. So, now she has to go to the hospital today for a blood infusion. The upside is that her white blood cell count went up to a normal range (from .3!!!) and that they promised her she'd feel better after she received the red blood cells today.

So, the projected outlook of her finish date has changed from Halloween to Thanksgiving. But, that's still pretty good considering she only had surgery the beginning of the year!

I told her to let me know if she didn't think she could take the baby when she comes, but she is determined not to let this little one go to daycare so young. I admit I was thrilled to hear it because having her go to childcare would mean me taking Ian to school by 7:30am, driving 12 miles to baby's daycare (there's only one place I'd ever take her), another 13 miles to work, then bust my ass to drive 15 miles to get back here to get Ian around 2pm, then drive 12 miles to pick up baby, then turn around and drive another 12 miles home. Somehow the math just doesn't add up there!

Anyway: Today is my ultrasound to check the cyst on my little girl's brain. Scared? You bet! I'm going alone, so I'll have plenty of time to stew in my own fear, LOL! I'm also getting my Gestational Diabetes Test done which, I have been assured, I'm going to fail due to using Lovenox. Not a big deal to me, really. I mean, I'd be upset because of the harm it can cause Bug, but one more needle won't matter to me.

*****Edited to Add: Because I'm a geek, I did the math on my commute. Yearly, I would put 16,900 miles on my car. My car goes about 22 miles to the gallon, so if my math is correct (and, let's be honest here; I operate at a 3rd grade math level due to dyslexia) and gas stays at $4 a gallon (HA!) I would be spending over 3 grand in gas a year! And that's just for work and childcare, let alone if I ever want to take the damn car anywhere else in life. Add that to Bug's daycare, and it would total over 12 grand. Add that to "wear and tear" and we're looking at 14 grand. So, basically I'd be working for our health insurance. Wow, isn't that motivation?! *****

Right after completing my blog yesterday I got an idea: Wouldn't it make more sense to move Ian than to move everything to opposite rooms? I called Sean and he agreed, so I planned my attack on Ian. Anyone who knows him knows that he does not "do" change well, so I had to have a good plan in place.

After he got up and settled, I told him that Daddy and I had a surprise for him. I explained that he could move into the computer room, decorate the room any way he wanted, and he would then have his very own computer in his room. He was thrilled and told me he wanted to decorate the place in fish. We looked on line and found a nice fish mural, so we went to Lowes and picked that out. When we got home I cleaned out the whole room (other than the computer and shelves) and then painted the ceiling. I had to go back to Lowes in the interim because the rolling pin extender snapped and the roller landed on my head, so while I was there he and I picked out the color he wanted for his room as well.

While the ceiling dried I did 3 hours of laundry (seriously), ironing the 4 baskets of clothes that have been in there since the first of the year. I feel like a have a brand new wardrobe!

Then, last night, I painted the trim in the room. By that time it was 11pm and I was worn slap out so I went to bed. Sean wandered in around 3am and has been snoring since, so I'm up and ready to go. I just pulled out two shelves and puttied the holes, but I can't do much more because I need Sean to pull the desk away from the wall so I can get to the trim and shelves.

It's going to be a busy day today, too! I'd love to get the whole room painted today, and Ian is desperate to get a "fish lamp" and a "pretend fish tank", so I have a feeling we'll be at the Flea Market as well. Fun in the 90 degree heat!

I'm awake for no other reason than "because". Sean got up to leave and I could see the sun beginning to creep into the sky, so I decided to get up and start some laundry.

What fun.

Yesterday was fun. We went to a party in Tarpon Springs which ended up being a lot bigger than we thought. We got there around around 1pm and stayed until 6:30pm; basically until my feet were so swollen they wouldn't even fit in my Tevas anymore. We came home and were going to leave again, but we were both too tired for the venture and decided to stay home. I worked on cleaning out the room-to-be-a-nursery some more, and today I plan on painting the ceiling.

I've had the motif for Bug's room all set in my mind for about a month now. I wanted to use the light purple paint we had left over from our bedroom and then use a sun/moon/castle border mid-level. They were a perfect color match, and I was going to then move in a sun and moon hutch and mirror in as well. I knew were the crib and changing table were going to go, where I was going to put the shelves... And then last night Sean decided that he wanted Bug to have "pink and girlie" stuff in her room! Now I have to switch what I was doing, and think pink?! Blah! Soooo not me.

He decided on a Winnie-the-Pooh border that I thought was cute and doable, and then he changed his mind to another Winne-the-Pooh that's so girlie and pink that I had to object.

Unfortunately he's stuck firm to the one above, so I guess we'll be going with that. In all honesty I'm not too upset because I'm so happy he wants to be involved and that he seems more and more excited that Bug is a girl, and this change in colors gives me more reason to find ways to be creative. In fact, I may move a lot of the stuff from Ian's room (his was decorated all Pooh) and just re-do his room.

Hmmmm.... That could be fun! Maybe an ocean theme since he loves fish so much? Maybe I could paint a mural in his room...

I've finally found a few minutes to myself! This week has been crazy busy with friends and family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I finished "my part" of the taxes tonight. I can't believe we spent almost $5,000 in medical expenses last year! I didn't add up the mileage to and from all the appointments and to the pharmacy though because I don't think it will make a difference anyway.

I haven't been to Church in 3 weeks so I'm hoping to make it this Sunday. Sean is taking Ian to Busch Gardens on Sunday with a friend of his and his little boy, so I have the day to myself. I don't know if I want to hang out at home and enjoy the silence though! I have the HHPSI meeting later that afternoon so I'd hate to spend the day running from one event to the next... I'll have to think on that one.

Bug is doing really well! She was quiet for two days and it had be a little worried, but today she's moving around and giving me little kicks here and there. I had a horrible dream last night were my water broke at 24 weeks and no one at the doctor's office would call me back because they were busy discharging people from the hospital for the weekend. I woke up in a panic, checking the sheets and my shorts to see if my water really had broken. I spent the rest of the day in a sort of fog; I had three people tell me I looked like crap so I can only imagine how fantastic I appeared!

Saturday Sean's going out for a while so I'm going to be hanging out with Ian for the day by myself. I'm thinking of taking him to the Aquarium... but then again my brother's house is empty so I may just take advantage of that.