I love my new job. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! It's better than I could have ever imagined. I'm spending time with the kids, doing fun things with them because I'm not constantly tired and frustrated, and I am actually enjoying my life again! I don't feel panic every morning, I don't feel closed in, and I am starting to see things in a way that is different than I have been.

I'm trying to find a routine that works for us all, and it's going to take some tweaking. So far I have the basics (dropping Ian off at school, feeding Roo, working through nap, feeding Roo again, picking up Ian), but there are some other things I need to adjust and set to a schedule. I'm trying to stay flexible because there's such a learning curve with this job. I figure if I spend a month or so with my nose to the grindstone and focus really hard, I should be able to work on my social life again... If I decide I want to, that is. I'm pretty happy being home and focusing on my family and 2 or 3 good friends...

I learned a few things tonight. I've been sitting here crying, alternating being so angry I can't see straight, to being so sad I feel as if my heart is going to stop beating, to being so numb that I can't even remember what I'm so heartbroken over. Here's what I've come up with:

1. There really isn't any use in being close to people. In fact, the closer you are, or the harder you try to create strong bonds, the more likely you are to get hurt. I am very familiar with the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," and in fact I used to say that to people all the time. However, at this point I think it's bullshit. I am resigning myself to the fact that EVERYONE leaves, and the less you invest the better off you're going to be in the long run.

2. People are full of shit. Like shape-shifters, people can mold themselves into being whatever is need to be at that moment, and then quickly return to their true form. In my life I have met a bunch of people like this, but lately I'm beginning to see that it's even more the "norm" than I thought it was. My misguided "growing spiritual thinking" really messed with my head, and I'm not going to let that happen any more.

3. I have been an idiot. For some reason I had this view in my head, this terrific view of what I thought life was, where it was going, and who was going to be in it. I saw years ahead, and tonight the very image was turned into a vapor of "what could have been" rather than what was going to be.

4. Distance does matter. No matter how you try to avoid it, distance always changes the way things are shaped.

5. I feel left behind, yet somehow also ahead. There are people in my life who are returning to where it all started, ready to rekindle what was reality years ago, yet I can't. I'm stuck, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.

6. All the time I've spent wondering where I stood in people's lives is over. At this point I think it's better to keep myself safe, and in doing so I'm going to have to stop observing, stop trying, stop forgiving, stop loving, stop everything. If tonight is any indication of how much it's all going to hurt, then I want no part of it. I'd rather miss out, then get it all.

7. Life's lessons are hard. Too bad I've been learning the wrong ones for the past 3 years.

8. Carrying the burden for everyone is going to be tough. There are going to be so many broken hearts, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it other than to watch it unfold and help pick up the pieces... and vow to never let this happen again.

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I ended up not being able to do much in the morning because I needed Sean to sign a check for deposit. After going to the bank it was almost time for Roo's nap, so we just played until around 11am and I put her to bed. I called DCF and left a message for the debt recovery guy, worked on some resumes and such, and then when Roo got up I realized I had missed the return call from DCF. Called him back, left a message, and fed Roo. He called during that, so I was able to discuss some things with him while she ate.

The short version is that, even though it was all their error and we would have kept our insurance for the kids the way it was except for them telling us we qualified, we still owe them everything. There is no longer the choice to "request for compromise" unless you are in collections, or in jail (no thanks). However, we do qualify for some benefits at this point (seriously this time. Really), so they'll reduce what we get by 10% to work towards repayment. As for the the health stuff, I was told: "They can't come after you for this. It cannot hurt your credit, so if you don't want to bother paying it, don't." Erm, neither Sean or I am comfortable with this idea. I think it's been proven that we're honest people (as proven by the very honesty that got us into this mess in the first place!), so we're going to attempt a deal for about $10 a month. Granted, we'll be paying until the end of time, but so what?

Since I felt great that I had dealt with this issue like a big girl, I decided to do some sidewalk painting with Roo. Man, I wish I had my camera with me while we did this! We had so much fun, and she actually cried when we were finished with the paint. We just sat on the driveway and "talked," and she would literally take my hand an put it in the paint if I stopped for even a second. It was a terrific bonding experience!

I cooked Grape Jelly Meatballs for dinner, and I even made my own chili sauce to simmer. Martha Stuart, watch out!

I got a very nice email from Ian's teacher this morning asking if I got a call from the principal and saying how "saddened" she was about this whole thing and with Ian not being in school today. Apparently she had a discussion with the principal the morning she got the letter, and she's been upset ever since. I replied to her email and told her that I hadn't heard yet, and again told her that I was in no way angry, but rather concerned about the message we're sending our children.

Then I got a call saying Ian had an "unexcused absence" from school. That just made me laugh!

About 30 minutes ago the phone rang and it was the principal. I can honestly say that, after talking to her for about 15 minutes, I am blown away by the response I got. She let me say my piece, then told me how the award used to be called something else and it was actually a "county-wide" change to Citizenship Award a few years ago. She admitted they had never considered how the verbiage may be viewed, and said she totally understood my point. She understood my concern that the younger kids may have a hard time with such an abstract concept, and she also told me that Ian's teacher spent a good deal of time yesterday speaking to him and assuring him that he is a "good citizen" in every sense of the word. She started to say how Ian's situation was so individual that she wasn't really sure how to address it, but I cut her off to tell her that I did not write the letter for Ian, but rather for ALL the young kids who may be confused by the message they received.

In the end, she told me she's going to bring the issue up at the school's planning meeting on Friday and they are actually going to vote on changing the name of the award. She will let me know next week on their finding.

I am SO happy. Even if they don't change the name, at least I know that fought for what I believe in! I hope Ian learns a good lesson from this, even if it takes a while for him to understand it fully.

I drafted a letter last night that I plan to send to Ian's teacher, the Principal, and the President of the PTA. I know it will probably go unnoticed, but I am hoping that it might give them something to think about in the future.

"When my kindergarten-aged son was not chosen for a Citizenship Award I was not only saddened but also confused.  This is the same child who was recognized at the beginning of the year for his ability to comfort other children, who took time to help his classmates when they didn't understand something, and who stood up to other children when he felt they were being unfair or mistreating others.  He went almost 5 months with very few incidents of behavior issues, and it wasn't until February that there were any problems which, as we all know, stemmed from a specific situation. Since that time he has tried very hard to produce the behaviors necessary for success in the classroom, and there has been steady improvement which is evidenced by the behavior chart he brings home every day. He was also very, very proud of the volunteer work he did during Campus Beautification Day.    

 

He was devastated that he didn't "earn" an invitation to the Citizenship Award event, and unfortunately I didn't have a reason to give him as to why he wasn't included.  I tried explaining to him that he doesn't need an award or a medal to prove he's a success, but to his 6-year-old mind he couldn't get past the fact that he was one of only a few children excluded.  To add to this, he was very aware that other children who also had chronic behavior issues were given Citizenship Awards.

 

I can only imagine what he was thinking when he realized he wasn't going to be included in this event.  He was so proud of the improvement he made toward the end of this year, and he was especially conscious of how people viewed him at the beginning of this year.   To have his past success and his recent improvement and accomplishments unrecognized is incredibly hurtful, and I am disappointed that the administration would fail to encourage him and any other child who has worked hard or shown improvement by excluding them from an event that they are very much aware of.     

 

I am in no way writing this letter in hopes that my son receives an award this year, nor am I writing it to diminish the accomplishments of the other children who work so hard year-round.  My only wish is to communicate "the other side of the story" from parents who have children who are attempting to overcome adverse situations or that may be struggling due to the adjustment of being in a school setting.  I honestly feel that at 6 years old the meaning behind being a "good citizen" should be encompassing more than what it appears to be. " 

The pen being mightier than the sword, I thought I'd go this route rather than go into his classroom on Monday.