Inner Ramblings

Alzheimer's Walk

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:49:44 -0400

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Alzheimer's is a disease that touches a lot of people. It's one of those diseases that people are truly afraid of getting; more than once I've heard comments like, "When I get old all I hope is that I don't lose my mind! I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on my worst enemy!" Unfortunately it's becoming a disease that seems to touch more and more of us in one way or another.

I've had a few family members affected with Alzheimer's Disease, and I fear that my father may be at risk as well. That's why I'm so interested in the Alzheimer's Association Alzheimer's Memory Walk! This walk (usually 2-3 miles) is the nation's largest event to raise awareness and funds for Alzheimer care, support and research- something that can't get enough attention as far as I'm concerned. The event is a big one; there are walks in more than 600 communities!

With an event this big, they need volunteers of all ages to help and I'm thinking of doing something. There's a walk near me in St. Petersburg on 9/13/08... Unfortunately I'll be too pregnant to actually walk, but that won't stop me from being there, even if it's just to cheer on the walkers!

If Alzheimer's Disease is something you think about, worry about, or have a passion for helping with, then sign up to walk today. There's no registration fee, and you get your own website to personalize to help with your fund raising. If you don't want to walk, you can always volunteer; you'll feel great about doing it! As they say on their website: "By teaming up with the Alzheimer's Association, you can walk with a purpose – and move us closer to a world without Alzheimer's. Together, we can MOVE a nation."

Blood Ties

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:28:06 -0400

My mom called me yesterday to say that they wouldn't do her chemo treatment. They tested her blood and her hemoglobin was "way too low" to subject her body to the medication. So, now she has to go to the hospital today for a blood infusion. The upside is that her white blood cell count went up to a normal range (from .3!!!) and that they promised her she'd feel better after she received the red blood cells today.

So, the projected outlook of her finish date has changed from Halloween to Thanksgiving. But, that's still pretty good considering she only had surgery the beginning of the year!

I told her to let me know if she didn't think she could take the baby when she comes, but she is determined not to let this little one go to daycare so young. I admit I was thrilled to hear it because having her go to childcare would mean me taking Ian to school by 7:30am, driving 12 miles to baby's daycare (there's only one place I'd ever take her), another 13 miles to work, then bust my ass to drive 15 miles to get back here to get Ian around 2pm, then drive 12 miles to pick up baby, then turn around and drive another 12 miles home. Somehow the math just doesn't add up there!

Anyway: Today is my ultrasound to check the cyst on my little girl's brain. Scared? You bet! I'm going alone, so I'll have plenty of time to stew in my own fear, LOL! I'm also getting my Gestational Diabetes Test done which, I have been assured, I'm going to fail due to using Lovenox. Not a big deal to me, really. I mean, I'd be upset because of the harm it can cause Bug, but one more needle won't matter to me.

*****Edited to Add: Because I'm a geek, I did the math on my commute. Yearly, I would put 16,900 miles on my car. My car goes about 22 miles to the gallon, so if my math is correct (and, let's be honest here; I operate at a 3rd grade math level due to dyslexia) and gas stays at $4 a gallon (HA!) I would be spending over 3 grand in gas a year! And that's just for work and childcare, let alone if I ever want to take the damn car anywhere else in life. Add that to Bug's daycare, and it would total over 12 grand. Add that to "wear and tear" and we're looking at 14 grand. So, basically I'd be working for our health insurance. Wow, isn't that motivation?! *****

Flying

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:16:57 -0500

Another week has flown by!

I am almost done with my class at Church. I can't believe it! I learned so much about myself and about other people, and I learned a lot about different situations in my life. I've learned how to be more positive, how to step away from negativity, and how to recognize there is no fault in certain situations; they are the way they are for the very reason they should be. I've learned how to meditate successfully, how to construct and deliver strong Treatments for people, and how to take control of my own emotions.

I wish I could take the next class too, but it's on Thursdays. Sean has dinner with his Dad every Thursday night and, although he's been taking him every other week, I don't want to ask him to take him every week. I know he needs time to mend fences with his Dad, and my Mom won't be able to commit to taking Ian once she starts chemotherapy. It's OK though- I plan to continue studying on my own.

The countdown is on- six more days until the big day! Once it's over I'll be able to better plan my life and where I'm going... I'm just holding on until then!

Walk of Faith

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 20:02:27 -0500

I slept most of the day away. I got up at 8am after going to bed at 9pm last night, then went back to bed at 2pm. I got up at 5:30pm and went to get my mom so we could go to the gym. The gym was closed (why on earth do they close at 6pm?) so we decided to walk around her neighborhood.

I'm so glad we did because I was able to climb out of my own situation and hear her feelings on what she's going through. I am so impressed with her positive outlook and her concrete knowledge that she is going to live. She is convinced that she is going to beat this and that she's going to come out of the chemotherapy just that much stronger emotionally. On that mile walk I felt like I was getting a look into my mother's soul and I felt like I was hearing a lesson that I needed to hear.

I am so glad that she's coming to Church with me regularly and I think I may even get to convince her to take a class when she finishes with the surgery and chemo/radiation. I know that the philosophy they teach is helping her through this journey and I am so grateful that I could help lead her to where she needed to be. What a blessing for a daughter to help their mother grow spiritually! I think of how many times my mom helped me learn, helped me to grow, and for me to be able to turn around and help her is a gift greater than I ever could have imagined.

Vacation

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:24:12 -0500

My hiatus from the computer was fantastic. It's always nice to regroup away from this thing and remember what's important in life!

I had an awesome time at my Girl's Night Out on Friday. I picked up two friends and we hit the Green Iguana to meet up with some more mom's, only to discover that we were at the wrong GI! We talked about leaving, but we were having a great time so we hung out for a bit. Then we decided to try O'Brian's since I've always wanted to go there and it is in our neighborhood... It's great! We had such a good time there! It's comfortable and there are no hoochie-mamas and guys scamming (for the most part, LOL!), you can sit inside with the live band or outside where, as Peggy so nicely put, "Irish meets Tiki Hut." I'm pretty sure it's going to be a regular spot for us.

Saturday was Ian's football game (they won) and then Ian, me, my mom and dad, Dave, Krissy, and the kids, all went to Palm Harbor for the Touch-a-Truck event. It was great! Ian had a blast climbing all over the big trucks and playing on the playground, and I had a good time hanging out with my family. Ian and I napped when we got back home, and then Saturday night we watched movies.

Sunday I got up early and Sean and I lazed around until Ian got up. I went to Church and, surprisingly, Sean and Ian cleaned the whole house while I was gone! When I got back we went to eat lunch, then napped until it was time to watch the Superbowl.

Monday I kept Ian home because, well, I didn't feel like driving all the way to his school. We hung out and did his workbooks, then my mom came by and we took a picnic lunch to the park. It was great to just hang out and be with them!

Tuesday I was sick and spent the day in bed, but then felt OK by mid-afternoon after I got the call I've been waiting for these past weeks! I will be starting work on Monday (I got to choose between Monday and Thursday so I had to do some quick thinking!), so I turned on my computer and did some on-line research on couches. I found one I liked and, that night, we bought the couch and some end tables/coffee table. I didn't mean to buy them, but I decided since we're done having kids I should treat myself to some furniture that's decent!

We got the sofa in a rich brown color, not this tan thing. It's great because it reclines, but the lever is under the arm rest so there isn't that stupid wood bar on the outside of the sofa.

These tables are great! They have slate on the top and the brown is really brought out by the couch. I'm changing the motif of the house so I'm hoping these are a good start.

Today we had the observation of the ELPs class. It's a great program but I think Ian is a bit advanced for it. I think we're going to keep Ian where he is and request the speech therapist go to his school, then we'll revisit it in August. There are a lot of reasons why, but I'll get in to it more tomorrow. Right now I'm going to bed!

Ebb and Flow

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 14:25:08 -0500

Ian's game was yesterday and he had a good time. It was a double-header and at the end he lost interest, but with coaxing he was able to finish. He subs a lot (LOL!) but the coach does a great job of making sure every kid gets to play every position and no one kid stays on the sideline for too long. Ian even got to run the ball once and, as Sean said, it was a true Mike Alstott move up the middle and over two other kids!

After the game(s) we all came home and had family nap time until around 3:30pm. We got up and played a board game with Ian and then got ready to go out. My parents got us tickets to see The Pirates of Penzance so we had dinner at The Crazy Buffet and then headed downtown. We got home late and I did some homework, then I passed out until 8:30am!

I was supposed to go to Church today but I decided that I wanted to slum it; I went to the gym and then had lunch with my guys afterward. Now I'm just waiting for Sean to get home and we're going to watch the Patriots game. Yay!!!!!!

Gustafson Orthopaedics

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:07:58 -0500

My dad has been complaining about joint pain since the cold weather hit. He's good about taking Glucoxamine and the like, but sometimes it's just too much for him, and lately it's been really bothering him. I'd like to get him in to see Dr. Allen Gustafson, a board-certified orthopaedic surgeon, who is the founder and director of Gustafson Orthopaedics. Dr. Gustafson and his staff can provide effective treatment recommendations, thorough evaluations and accurate diagnosis of joint pain, patient education resources, and a complete recovery program for their patients. Dr. Gustafson is renowned for his experience, skill, and accomplishments in joint replacement and reconstruction, so if that's what my father ends up needing he'd have great care!

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Out of Touch

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 16:41:06 -0500

I just had the most amazing thing happen. It's amazing, only because of the timing that it occurred.

Apparently, once again, people cannot separate themselves enough from their own worlds to see that not everything that occurs is a direct result of them, or has anything to do with them at all. Sometimes things happen in peoples lives that are theirs alone to bear, but by putting in down on 'paper' I guess it becomes something that is immediately internalized by the people who read it.

This is one of those times in life that I consider 'turmoil'. We all have these stretches of time when we feel out of control and don't really have a direction to turn; it's just the way life is. For this one moment in my life I have decided not to be the victim and make changes that I have to make for me. For my future and the future of my family.

Since there seems to be some confusion about my life right now I figured I should lay it out here: I might have cancer. I might have cancer that's been manifesting since 2005. I may have to plan for what is going to happen to my son in the event that I can't be here any more. I have no job and no prospect for one despite the numerous phone interviews and resumes sent out, and I doubt that I'll find anything if I do end up being farther along with the disease then then think. My son is constantly ill and there are issues with his respiratory tract now. He has to go in for testing in the weeks to come, so I'm going to have to juggle that along with my own testing. God only knows what the next few months will bring.

The "Good-Bye's" I was talking about earlier was in reference to a group of Mom's that I know. I may have to back out because, obviously, I can't commit to a social group right now. There is no way that I can fulfill my role in a group like that when I have to focus so much on my family and their future.

I don't know how much clearer I can be that my life is rotating around me right now, not anyone else. I am hurt and angry and scared and confused, and I have no time to think about who's feelings may be hurt because of this. I have to trust that my friends know who they are and that they know me enough to know that my love for them isn't made up of tiny pieces of events, but rather by the whole picture that the past, present, and future makes.

I am happy to say that I have a wonderful strong family. I have a fantastic immediate and extended family, which is more than most people have. The number of friends I thought I had is significantly lower than I had imagined, though. That's OK with me because sometimes it takes an event like this to show who wants to be there through the bad times and the good times. It's something important for us to know and only serves us well in the long run, but it's still a slap in the face when it happens. People's true natures come out and some of it is shocking in both good and bad ways. I am constantly surprised by people and their nature and I only hope that I have the time to continue learning about what makes people who they are.

Secret of Life

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:15:05 -0500

Today has been a day that will remain etched in my brain forever. It has been a day where all the other things in life, the petty, selfish, self-serving things have but put in their place and the absurdity unveiled. I cannot believe how much energy I've wasted on thinking about certain things, worrying about different events, and feeling sad about things totally beyond my control.

I am not one to devalue people's feelings and emotions because they are very real to the people experiencing them. Having a day where the car won't start may destroy some people and while that isn't the end of the earth for me, it may be for them because of their perception of the event. The feelings are real and the situations are as concrete to them as it would be to me if I were experiencing something of similar internal struggle and helplessness, despite what the stressor was.

However; that being said I am completely over the stupidness of the past few days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes... I cannot understand how I let certain things consume me and become my world when there is so much more to the world than what I've been allowing it to bring me! Was I so closed off to many of the wonderful parts as a means to prepare me for this moment? Did I ignore the positive and focus on the negative so that I could fully appreciate and comprehend this day that I am now realizing may be a beginning to an end?

What ever the reason, I am grounded and ready to fight. I will not give in and I will not settle into a victimization mode because I am not that weak. I believe I can overcome what has been handed to me, and if I find that I am mistaken I will do my best to honor the person I have become; I will not change unless it is for the better! I will not let this lessen me as a person, I will not let it diminish my soul, and I refuse to let this very thing become the definition of who I am.

I am scheduling my first appointment with Moffitt in about an hour. I made some calls first and have to straighten up some lose ends before I begin my first step. I will make that call and I'll begin my journey toward what ever is in store for me. I will leave all the "other" behind me because, for now, my life and future and the ones of my family are the only ones that matter to me.

Atlanta Reconstructive Surgery

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:18:31 -0500

I actually know two people who have suffered from uterine prolapse. I had never heard of it before last year, and then I learned two of my friends were diagnosed with it. Don't know what it is? "Simply" put (I highly doubt either of them would consider this simple!), it's a condition explained as falling or sliding of the uterus from its normal position in the pelvic cavity into the vaginal canal.

I did a lot of research on the condition and was surprised at how serious the complications from this can be! I also know, from my friends, that the recovery can be painful and hard to get through without a lot of help from friends and family.

Proper diagnosis, surgery, and care are imperative for this condition! That's why places like the Atlanta Center for Laparoscopic Urogynecology are so important. Within the center there are Dr's. Miklos & Moore who are International leaders in laparoscopic and minimally invasive vaginal & reconstructive surgery. They are fellowship trained in urogynecology, are international experts in laparoscopic vaginal reconstruction, and have World wide reputations and surgical expertise. They are pioneers in minimally invasive vagina and bladder surgery and offer numerous treatments and procedures from people suffering from different conditions. With their experience and knowledge, you're sure to get great care at their facility!

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