Inner Ramblings

Blip

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 18:32:00 -0500

Like everything else in life, work is an ebb and flow. I'll go for weeks doing really, really well, and then I'll have a few reports back-to-back that are just garbage. It's nothing critical, no life-altering or dangerous mistakes, but obvious mistakes that are made because of my learning disability. The problem is that when I listen and type, I 'see' the word I'm typing as the one that I am hearing. For instance, today it was "appropriately" for "approximately." Sounds like a stupid mistake, but for me it isn't. My LD is broad and is categorized in the dyslexia category, so I'm sure you can understand how frustrating it is for me. I'm just hoping that I get my shit together, because from what I heard today it seems that their patience is getting very thin...

Other than that, everything is great. I have no complaints, and I'm so happy being home with my kids that I actually cry at random times.

Oh! We do have an exciting new roommate living with us. For how long, I don't know, but I adore having him here!

I've named him Mouse, and from what I can find online he is a Florida Screech Owl. The kids love him; every morning Roo wakes up and says, "Owl! Hi, Owl!" and makes me take her outside to say good morning to him. Ian says good morning to him too, and when I pick him up from school he asks if Mouse is still there. I hope Mouse sticks around, because there will be a lot of sad people here if he doesn't.

Right Move

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 13:42:00 -0400

I am so in love with my life right now. I am spending the days with the kids, we eat together as a family at night, and then around 7pm (after the kids are in bed), I work. I work while Roo naps too, so I get in about 5-6 hours a day. I'm not making a lot of money, but I am so happy it doesn't matter.

Today was one of those days. I got up early, had some coffee, and worked a bit. Ian got up and got himself ready for school, and then I woke Roo up so we could take him. I came home, finished up the report I was working on, and then Roo and I played outside in the gorgeous weather. The whole time I kept thinking, "Wow. This is amazing. I have no stress, I get to see all the little things that Roo does, and then I get to be the one picking Ian up from school. I get to have the whole day with my kids!"

I couldn't be happier with the choice I made. I only wish that I had made it sooner!

Change of Life Focus

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:12:00 -0400

I love my new job. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! It's better than I could have ever imagined. I'm spending time with the kids, doing fun things with them because I'm not constantly tired and frustrated, and I am actually enjoying my life again! I don't feel panic every morning, I don't feel closed in, and I am starting to see things in a way that is different than I have been.

I'm trying to find a routine that works for us all, and it's going to take some tweaking. So far I have the basics (dropping Ian off at school, feeding Roo, working through nap, feeding Roo again, picking up Ian), but there are some other things I need to adjust and set to a schedule. I'm trying to stay flexible because there's such a learning curve with this job. I figure if I spend a month or so with my nose to the grindstone and focus really hard, I should be able to work on my social life again... If I decide I want to, that is. I'm pretty happy being home and focusing on my family and 2 or 3 good friends...

Everyone Is A Critic

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 18:56:00 -0400

In the course of one week I got a job, did arts and crafts with the kids every day, and got a chance to do Ian's sight words and math books with him. I got almost all the laundry done, and I even cleaned out a lot of my office room too so it looks more like and office and not a store-it-all-here room.

Friday began my formal training, and it's all done on-line. I had computer issues, and then I wasn't formally added into a chat room for official training, so I sat around almost all day wondering what was going on. I was freaking out a bit because it was like I was sitting on the edge of the very thing I have been dreaming of for 2 years, yet wasn't allowed to actually participate in it!

I got everything resolved though, so it looks like Monday will be the "real" day I start. I'm busy listening to all my training material again (there's a lot to learn on their system with regards to templates, software, and account specifics), and I'm making index cards to tape to my desk to help remind me of shortcuts on my first day.

Last night I went to see Eat Pray Love with a good friend of mine, and I wasn't too impressed. I think it was had to make a book like that "big screen" worthy, and a lot of the things I thought were important to the main characters self-discovery were either not put in the movie or were unable to be put in. I think that made the whole "experience" seem a lot less moving and amazing, yet I understand that they had to draw in "regular" people who aren't interested in the amazing outcome of mastering meditation or finding a piece of your soul you didn't even know existed. It was worth seeing though, and I plan to finish the book (I was re-reading it again before the movie came out but ran out of time), because this time around I'm getting even more out of it than the first time I read it.

Endings, Begnnings, and Continuations

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:01:00 -0400

I am so happy to be up and running again! I've missed my blogging outlet, that's for sure. I had to cut myself off for a month to finish school, quit my job, and start job searching again... A lot can happen in a month!

So much to catch up on, but I'll just say that I graduated with a 95% for a GPA, which was my goal.

My last day of work was yesterday, and I found a a whole bunch of less-than-charming information about a coworker of mine. She's the one I had issues with when I first started, but I didn't realize what a snake she truly was until yesterday. She obviously has a charred, black heart, and a soul that is destined for vile payback. I was going to lay it all out for my other co-workers who I met up with last night, but I decided not to. I have come a long way from gossip and the desire to create drama, so I didn't want to do something out of anger versus "the right reason." I made one comment along the lines of, "I found out that people on our Team we thought we could trust, we can't," and left it at that. Considering I was hanging out with 2 of the 3 people from our 4-person Team, I think they're bright enough to figure out what and who I meant. If they chose to continue to trust her, that's their problem. They'll figure it out, because someone with such an ugly purpose and disgusting way of living their life is destined for failure. I can only hope that I get to hear about it when it happens! On the flip side of that, I found out that a few of her less desirable character traits have not gone unnoticed by others who are higher up, and that makes me happy.

Quick Stop

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 20:26:00 -0400

I've been neglecting my poor blog, but it's all for a good cause; I'm almost done with my certificate! I have only the final left to complete, and then I'm ready to start searching for jobs. I'm terrified, and my biggest problem is that I'm not sure exactly what I want to do and when I want to do it. I really wanted a relaxed schedule were I could "pick and choose" when I was going to work, but the more I investigate it doesn't seem like that's going to be a reality for a while. I don't mind working to get to that point, but I'm just not sure how I want to arrange my time to suit my family best.

Blah.

Situational

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:11:00 -0500

I had lunch with one of my best friends yesterday. I got some much needed laughs, was able to vent, and was able to get out of 'myself' long enough to feel refreshed and happy again.

Then, I went to a work meeting and all that changed. The negativity, the toxic environment, the nasty things said about other people... I felt completely guilty, deflated, and sickened by the time I left.

I've manged to turn myself back around today though. We spent a nice morning with the kids, and Sean brought home a Firetruck for Ian's 6th birthday last night. He was SO excited when he drove in with the lights on and everything- it was adorable! Today he took Ian for a ride over to my brother's house, and all the kids played on it for a while. Now we're home, Roo is napping, and then we're going to hit the store for the birthday part food. It's going to be a great day, and I'm looking forward to friends, food, and laughter tomorrow at the park!

First Week

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:22:00 -0400

My feet are all messed up after my day in the jail. My feet were getting used to being free or having slippers on all the time, so wearing dress shoes again is making them hurt. I actually have the skin rubbed off of my toe joint (you know, the one on your foot that's just below your big toe?), and Roo tried to pull it off for me this afternoon. OUCH!

Both kiddos are sick right now too. Ian has a sinus infection and uncontrolled asthma which means liquid steroid, inhaled steroid, antibiotics, albuteral, DM cough syrup and then a daytime syrup. Roo has a throat infection which means antibiotics for her too.

I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that I have to be back at work when both of my kids are sick. Luckily I was able to go in at 6am two days so I was out early, and the other days I did a compressed amount of client work and then did the notes at home so I could pick Ian up before his TKD lessons started and then get Roo from my parents.

Things are a little bit strange at the office. I'm trying to figure out who's done the changing, me or them. I am enjoying some parts of being back to work, but the other parts just remind me why I want to be home with my kids. I'm also trying to keep myself a little more "separate" from my co-workers too. It's hard because I like them all very much, but I feel like things may be used against me in some way, so it's safer for me to keep a part of me isolated. I guess kind of like I'm trying to do in my personal life too!

Stepping Forward

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:28:00 -0400

Things are... good. I made a conscience decision to work with what I have, and the results were better than I anticipated. I'm not happy to be back at work, but I am able to see the good in what I have. I've chosen to not focus on the negative aspects of it all but to rather find the parts that make it good and make them even better!

I'm amazed at the calm I feel. Since I made the decision to focus on the good and cut out the negative completely, I feel so much better about things. Sure I worry, but in all honesty I find that just makes me crazy, LOL! When I start thinking something negative I mentally yell "STOP!" in my head, and I am able to switch my mindset to a more positive view.

I've made some decisions about the "extra" in my life as well. I can't believe how stupid I've been about some things, but it all stops now. I know where I need to go, who I need to lean on, and the fact that it's all so crystal clear in my mind has me almost giddy. There's nothing clouding my mind or my heart anymore; no more "what if", no more "what could have been", and no more, "I wish it was". There's no where to go but forward from this point on, and I'm so excited to begin my travels with less baggage!!!!

I don't know why I've been so concerned with the outside when I know very well that it all begins with the inside. How can I expect the outer parts of my life to conform to what I want and need when the inside of my mind is full of so much negativity? How can I expect people to live up to my expectations when I'm not even sure what those expectations are? It isn't fair to the people in my life who continue to shoulder my pain with me, and it isn't fair to me either. I need to give myself some time and exert some energy into finding out what's going on in my head before I allow myself to go into a tailspin. I deserve that.

They Don't Pay Me Enough

Inner Ramblings of My Mind — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:32:00 -0400

... to be feeling this way.

The Judge called us to the bench today and asked a pretty straight-forward question. I answered it honestly, and there was quite a bit of carrying on by the Judge and the attorneys about safety of my client and safety of the community. There were a lot of raised voices and not-so-nice things said, but in all honesty I could see each side to this situation.

After we were dismissed I went to talk to the public defender on the case, and the State Attorney came by as well. As we got talking both of them asked me questions and, when I replied, they both said, "But I asked you that and that's not at all what you said! You gave the interpretation that...."

I left there feeling horribly, but I know that I'm right. I work for the Judge, not for the attorneys. If something goes wrong with my client when he's out of custody, it's my ass that'll be hauled in to Court to answer to the Judge. My answer was correct and no matter what I "appeared" to say, I answered the best way I could. I am not going to form my words so that the attorneys can get their way; I'm going to answer the very question that was asked of me and nothing more!