I hope this is not a prelude to my coming week!

I got up early because I have Court toady. I got Ian and myself all ready to leave; lunches packed, bedding together (for him, not me), totally dressed... and as I walked to the laundry room to turn off the light I tripped over his toy ambulance. If it hadn't been pushed up against the wall it probably would have created less of a disaster because it has wheels and moves, but it was stationary which caused my ankle to twist and the corner of the truck to dig into that annoyingly big vein by your ankle bone. OMG, it started to swell right away and poor Ian started freaking out... He got me his "ice pig" from the freezer and we put that on there for 10 minutes, but man does it still hurt! It's turning an interesting shade of light purple and green in one spot, my ankle bone is pretty much non-existent, and it hurts all the way through my sciatic nerve.

Lovely.

More painful still is that right now I'm on the couch watching "Blue's Clues" because I can't get up to get the remote... or the rest of my coffee! Magenta and Joe might be easier to take if I had some Pralines and Cream in my system.... But hey, I can find the silver lining here: At least it isn't "Yo Gabba-Gabba"!

I called in 2 hours late to work so I can avoid walking the 8 blocks to the Courthouse which I hated to do because I'm trying to save all my time for after Bug arrives, but it can't be helped I guess. I cringe every time I move so I can't imagine walking to my office building!

Edited to add: It is now 11am and I am burned OUT! I called my mom to see if she could take Ian to school but she didn't answer so I limped my way around and got him into the car by 8am. As I'm driving to the school she calls and, during our conversation, I realize I don't have my checkbook to pay the school. I turn around and go back, borrow a check from her, then drive to the school.

When I get there I realize that I forgot Ian's karate outfit and the 'special' things for their event today. Back home I go (another 30 minutes) and stop at the store on the way to get the 'special' things they need. I get home and limp in to get the outfit, realize I forgot the "most special" thing they requested, and hit the store again. Finally I drive back to his school (30 minutes) drop everything off, turn around and drive back (30 minutes) and am now sitting here about to blow my top and rip my foot off.

In between all of this I have had the phone to my ear continuously to set up Court dates for violations, deal with clients whom appear to have lost all senses of reality, speak to VERY CRANKY providers, and have managed to miss my Court hearing.

Please, oh please, can Monday be over yet?

I've come to a conclusion after sitting here for almost 2 hours: I am going to put more focus on my husband and my son. I fear I haven't been a very good wife and mother lately, and that isn't fair to either of them. I've been chasing my tail and they've been the ones to suffer the worst.

It stops today.

I'm done trying to make relationships work that are clearly one-sided. I'm finished wasting my energy chasing after something that is obviously going to remain centered on something else and I can't change. I'm over using my time to try and help other people or be something they need only to be cast aside yet again. I'm finished allowing my heart and my pride to be wounded for no other reason than people's own selfishness. *sigh* Unfortunately this is not in response to anyone or any one situation because then I could just 'be mad" and "get over it"; it's something that's been happening for a while now and it's coming at me from all directions! Jobs, friends, situations I find myself in... It's everywhere!

I've been thinking about friendships lately because during the summer it seems that the majority of people fall into their own lives so completely that they forget about the 'outskirts'. I'm okay with that because that's exactly how it should be, but there are certain things that I'm not okay with, and I've decided that instead of being mad about it I need to make a conscious effort to be aware of those things in the forefront so when I come across them, I can back away and not reach out anymore

I've spent my life 'doing' for others. Every job I've ever had has been in the 'helping' capacity, from working with children in crisis, working with the mentally ill, helping people find real estate, and doing the marketing for a business that I believed in because it helped people. I've never been cut-throat, never tried to get more than I give, and I've never been vindictive or manipulative (um, since I hit my 20's anyway!). It's just the way I was made and I've never regretted that I have followed my path, even when my brother is sitting there making $200K and I'm making as much in a year as he makes in two months.

What I'm saying is that today offered me a sad realization. It was like the Universe lay It's hand on my head and whispered "Stop" directly into my ear.

I just can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on me and my family and to create the type of support and comfort I've been trying to foster on the outside with little to no results. It's going to take time and effort, but maybe I can stop doubting and hurting now... I'm tired of all the second, third, and forth chances I give because I'm just fulfilling the definition of insanity and I, of all people, should recognize that!

I am a news junkie. I watch the news in the morning, read the headlines all day, listen to NPR on the way in to work and while at work, then watch the national news when I get home.

I'm trying to break that habit though, because everything reported makes me panic. So far this morning I've heard that the St. Petersburg Firefighters will not be getting retirement benefits (new hires), unemployment in the Bay area is higher than the rest of the State and the Nation, and that we are a Nation in crisis.

I think that last statement about says it all, don't you?

I'm trying to remain positive, but it's hard when bombarded with how much life sucks for so many people. How close are we to becoming what these poor desperate people are? With all the budget cuts I just found out about in my agency, how much longer can I count on my paycheck? If people can't afford to drive their cars, how much longer is Sean going to have a paycheck?

There are no guarantees in life, but I thought at least my job was a guarantee! Dealing with my Mom, relationship issues, and pregnancy losses, I thought I had at least one area I could rely on...

*** Edited to Add: I love how Hollywood can go on strike. I guess if I had over 20 million in my savings account I wouldn't give a shit about working either! ***

So I went to start studying last night and I couldn't because I didn't have a notebook. Can you say "geek"? Seriously. For a stupid 45 hour course I have to have a new notebook?! Sean even offered to go get me on, but I didn't trust him to get me the right kind! I need a certain ruler width, certain cover, certain number of sections... I have my pens, but no notebook so I couldn't start.

I spent the evening straightening up my "area", cleaning the wood on the desk, and generally "Preparing the Site".

Since I couldn't do the Real Estate stuff I ended up finishing a Progress Test for one of my Holistic Child Care sections and half of the final exam. Hey, at least I got something accomplished!

I think it's going to be a bit harder than I thought, and not because of the material. It's going to be because of the other people in this house! When I went to the computer last night, Sean (from the couch where he always is, of course) asked, "Where are you going? Are you going to sit in there all night?" Um... yeah. That was the plan...

I'm about to disappear; my 45 Hour Continuing Education CD arrived today. I have until September 30th to complete the course, including the final exam. If I fail the exam I have 30 days to retake it or I lose my license.

This does not give me a lot of time.

I wish I could download it on to my laptop because I could then take it in to work and study. Er, by that I mean study during my lunch hour, of course. But, seeing as it's so full of viruses and freezes all the time, I have to do it on my desktop here at home. I can't run the risk of it freezing during my final, so I'm stuck.

Anyone who knows me, knows that once I start something like this I won't resurface until I'm done. So, I'll see ya'll when I finish the course!