Discouraged. It’s a word that I don’t use too much. Frustrated, annoyed, overwhelmed, and blocked are words I’m used to, but “discouraged” is new to me. And, I don’t like it. It sucks.
Quite frankly, I used to find myself suspicious when another author told me they felt as if their attempts at writing were fruitless and they were considering giving up. “What could be so bad?” I wondered, because if you have a story to tell and you do it with even the slightest touch of finesse, how can you fail? Let’s face it: There are hundreds, if not thousands, of poorly written books out there that have been published, so the chances of never finding anyone to read your work and like it must be small. So, why the worry? Just keep going, and something will happen! There’s an agent for everyone, and a publishing house for all completed works, right? Everyone loves books, and even if your first attempts at securing an agent falls flat, you’ll find the right fit!
I’m not sure if I have been living in a bubble of positive thinking the past few years or if I was suffering from a delusional disorder of sorts, because having spent the past month sliding up and down the peaks of optimism and the valleys of hopelessness, and I am now beginning to wonder when it’s okay to (literally) throw down my pencil and say “enough is enough.” How many times can I re-write the same thing and expect it to turn out better? When can I stop refreshing my email in the hopes that one of my beta readers has returned something so I can fix an entire manuscript for yet another attempt at getting it right? When will I stop praying that by “this time” next month/week/year, it will be different and I can finally say “See? It was worth all the sacrifice and struggle! I am a published author!”
I’ve never been good with the unknown. I like to have a plan, and I’m getting to the point in my “career” when I need to admit it’s out of my hands. I do trust the Universe, and I 100% believe that things fall into place the way they are meant to. My problem then? Well, I’m afraid that what I want and what will be aren’t in alignment, and to me, that will mean I have failed. And failure sucks.