I never realized what a lonely disease cancer is. I mean, any terminal illness must give one a sense of being alone, but the more I hear my mother talk about what's going on with her I feel more and more that I can't do any more than be there to listen.

Last night I brought her with me to Michael's so I could pick up some beads for my special orders, and she discussed the medication/chemo schedule with me. Unfortunately, due to her (our) clotting disorder, she's going to have to take some chemo medications that are "unfriendly" to the cardiovascular system. Did I ever mention that she sees a cardiologist for her heart condition? I guess, weighing the two evils, the clotting disorder beat out the heart condition. She'll be going on Tuesday for her first six hour chemo session, and then the day after she goes for a shot that is supposed to raise her white blood cell count. She'll continue that regime for 6-8 weeks, and then the sessions will reduce to two hours.

It's like some sort of hell day camp or something. "Bring a lunch or a snack, you'll have a TV so you can relax, blah, blah blah," What a load of shit.

Couple that with the wig fitting sessions, make up session for when she loses her eyebrows and eyelashes, how to fit the prosthetic breast and what clothes look the best, the support gropus... It just sucks.

She, of course, is looking on the bright side of it all. She even said, "Maybe the reason this happened to me was so that you would be diagnosed and save this pregnancy!" What a silver lining, and for all I know it could be true! But, for now, all I know is that I'm helpless. I can't even hold a discussion with her because I can't fathom how she's feeling. I can't begin to understand how someone deals with the constant thought that their life could be moving toward the "end", that they may have to prepare themselves to say good-bye to everything they've knows, the worry for the people left behind.

 

It's my second "official" Aloha Friday! I'll ask a question, you answer and leave your link, and I'll hop over to answer yours. To join the fun, visit www.islandlife808.com and jump in.

What if you found out your friend lied to you about something important? Would you "forgive and forget," or hold on to it in the back of your mind? Would you confront them, or just see how it played out?

For myself, I'd have to say I'd hold on to it, depending on how close I was with this person, because I believe once someone lies there's either something wrong with the relationship or wrong with them. Usually I won't confront lies/liars because I find that when I don't the lies come out anyways or get so convoluted that the person lying ends up stressing far more than my face-to-face would have ever caused!

Am I crazy? Ian should be starting the EELPS Program in August and I'm freaking out already. I know he'll adjust and that he needs the speech therapy, but I'm stressing about the stupid things like, do I walk him to class in the morning or do the teachers? Do I pack his lunch and, if not, how can I be sure he gets a healthy lunch? What about nap time? What about the days I have to drop him off at 7:30am- how will he know what to do and where to go? What about.... What about... I also want to schedule a time for him to see the class. I don't even know if they allow that, and if they do I sure am cutting it close...

I'm also going to miss his testing for his yellow belt. They're having the test at 11:30am at his school and, as luck would have it, I have to be at a probation hearing for one of my clients. Figures that it would be this date out of allll the dates in May.... *sigh*

I found this great quote:

"“False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade."

Wow. Well, how true it is. I've learned this the hard way these past few years and I have a feeling that I'm going to re-learn this lesson many times in the years to come. I have a hard time accepting that there really are "fair weather friends" even though I've been shown this to be true time and time again.  I've done this countless times, this trying to breathe breath into relationships that aren't worth it, trying desperately to find a reason/excuse why someone would desert me or treat me badly... Of course this quote is also true when thinking about love relationships too! I wonder if there's a point in our lives where we just give up and don't care any more? I mean, how long can a heart continue to beat for something even when it's obvious there's nothing there any more?

Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment! 

Ian is currently working on the Bowflex. He is, in his words, "getting strongly". He is lifting 20 pounds right now and he's so proud of himself! It's amazing to watch my four year old work out at the same weight I do!

The appointment today went well. It was quick, that's for sure! We heard the heart beat which the doctor said was "good and strong", they drew more blood, and then I got my BP and weight done. I've only gained 2 pounds total! And my BP was 120/65 which is high for me, but still OK for pregnancy. I asked her about my breathing; she said it's "normal" and that I need to watch my posture. Er, OK...

So, my next milestone is the 12th of June when I go for my "big" ultrasound and meet with the specialists to discuss my clotting disorder, dangers I may face during the labor, what I can and can't have for medication during delivery (gulp!). Sean's coming with me for this appointment and we're going to find out the gender. However; we aren't going to tell anyone until the birth! I think that'll be fun!!